The Way
by 17daysgreys
Summary: April Kepner and Jackson Avery were best friends before they slept together at the boards. Will a surprising twist lead them towards one another or will they keep denying the spark that's between them? Enjoy your favorites, including Mark Sloan and Lexie Grey, as they too root for the couple that never says exactly, "The Way" they're feeling. Japril throughout as well as others.
1. Chapter 1

Seattle's world renowned rain hadn't let up in days and April Kepner was starting to get slightly frustrated at the new found fizziness of her red hair. She gripped her cup of steaming hot coffee and was prepared to lead her interns through rounds. She couldn't believe that just a few short months ago she was a virgin, worried about her surgical boards, and today she was a board certified surgeon and a woman who had ridden the carnival a time or two with the absolute best ride. April kept her and Jackson's time in San Francisco to herself, half expecting not to ever discuss it because he was going to Tulane and also because she could not fathom the ridiculous comments Cristina or Alex would make. She breathed a sigh of relief when she realized Cristina was still visiting Mayo. However, she knew her relief wouldn't last too long, since Cristina and Meredith were bound at the hip. They weren't called the twisted sisters for nothing.

"Dr. Kepner?" She thought she heard one of her new interns say, but the voice was oddly familiar, it almost sounded safe.

"Yes. Rounds are in fifteen minutes, don't be late," she snapped back, determined not to be the dud of the attendings.

"I don't think a board certified plastic surgeon has to do rounds, but if you insist." Jackson Avery said with his typical Avery sparkle.

"What are you doing here," the words got caught in her throat, "I thought you went to Tulane?" She said, pulling the ipad closer to her chest as to cover her body; the body that he had seen, so vulnerable, so giving, but a body that he did not want. She shuddered at the thought of having sex with him, it was amazing, exhilarating sex, but now things were different and she and her best friend couldn't go back. What was the thing that Meredith's mother always said, "the carousel never stops turning." Well if that wasn't the truth?

"Mark practically begged me to come back and I didn't have anything keeping me in New Orleans, not like I do here." His voice was calm and sweet, and if she hadn't been staring at her i-pad preparing for her rounds she would have heard the slight elevation in tone implying that he had come back for her. He cocked his head slightly and looked at her with his blue-green eyes, eyes of which she had become accustommed to, but now they seemed to be melting her soul. She could feel her palms getting sweaty and before he could do anything, she checked her watch and almost panicked.

"It's really great to see you Jackson, but I'm going to be late for my rounds. But I'd really like to talk and catch up." Good that was good, she didn't stutter, she didn't act like a complete babbling idiot, she had done well, but something inside of her was dreading the lunch she had proposed.

Jackson Avery had never been one to ask for anything. He was the grandson of Harper Avery, world-renowned cardiothoracic surgeon. His whole life he had been an Avery, no matter where he went or what he did, he was an Avery first. Not Jackson, the kid who liked basketball or the kid who enjoyed going out and riding bikes with his friends. No, he was the kid who sat in board meetings, the kid who heard his parents argue over the foundation until one day he never heard them fight again. He had been eight when his dad walked out on him and his mother, Catherine Avery, so old enough to remember the scumbag that left them, but too young to understand why he had left. He thought that going to Tulane would fix all his tension with April, he could see the way she was uncomfortable around him. How her body folded in on itself or how she refused to make any semblance of eye contact with him. However, something had come over his body when he held her sweet, naked body underneath those hotel bed sheets in San Francisco, he never realized how much he had wanted April Kepner, and now that he had gotten a taste he had to have more.

But Jackson, left, he ran just like his father because he couldn't be what April needed. He couldn't be the "good man in a storm". He knew he would treat her well; hypothetically, he was a gentlemen and an Avery after all. But he had never been in a serious relationship that he could see being "the relationship" the one to end the search. He never wanted to admit it to himself, but he had been in love with April Kepner from day one. She was unlike anyone he had ever met. She came from a small town in Ohio, grew up on a farm with three other sisters, definitely not the type of woman he typically went for. But something about her, her demeanor was kind she listened to everyone, even Karev. Maybe he was embarrassed to be liking Kepner, but hell he had seen her naked there was nothing to be embarrassed about. She could be a tad annoying at times, but it jut added to her charm, and it made him want her more. How could she have been so blind when they were talking at the nurse's station earlier, how could she not know that he wanted her?

He sat in the cafeteria waiting for her, he texted her letting her know he was here. He had just finished a surgery for Sloan this morning. Sloan had called him and begged him to come back to Seattle; even though he and Lexie had been discharged from the hospital after the plane crash they were still not ready for surgery. Jackson had left Seattle before he could hear the full extent of their injuries, but from what he heard through the grape vine, Lexie's arm had been ripped clean off and they were able to reattach it, but there's little function. She may never be able to be a surgeon again. The thought of not being able to perform surgery sent shivers down his spine, surgery was his life, his calling, hell it was in his DNA and to have that ripped from you in a blink of an eye would be heart wrenching.

April saw Jackson sitting by himself in the cafeteria, wearing the dark navy blue scrubs, well except for that one day years ago, but that memory was faded. She had never seen him in them before, but it made her heart skip a beat. She decided to get some food, yes that would calm her nerves. She had been going over it in her head, how she was going to tell him, she was a grown woman she could tell him how she felt. But knowing that she would have to look into those eyes, those beautifully charming sea green eyes, the thought made her want to vomit. But before she could run and relieve herself, an all to familiar smell came from behind her. There he was, standing so close to her she could feel his breath on her neck, he had definitely chewed gum before coming over to talk to her.

"Going any where April?" The sound of her name left his lips with a softness that she had never heard coming from him.

"Uh," she mumbled turning around quickly so he would stop breathing on her neck, not that she wanted him to stop because it felt so good; it felt so amazing to have his body near hers like that again, "Nope. I was just looking for you. Do you still want to talk?" She responded cheerily.

"Yes, I think I'd like that," he said gesturing her to the nearest table. Cristina, Meredith, and Alex were also eating their lunches in the cafeteria.

"So when did Jackson get back," Meredith mentioned to Cristina.

"I'm not sure, he didn't come to the apartment, and I really wish he would do you guys understand how annoying it is to live with Kepner? Alone!" Alex chimed in.

"Hush Alex, you know I told you that you could move into my house once Derek's finished with the dream house." Meredith responded

"You know he's never going to finish that." Cristina said.

"I know, but I like for him to think he can. It's a good project for him, you know with his hand. And Lexie's helping him decorate it. It's good, the dream house is good for them." Meredith's mind flashed to the plane crash. It had been the most horrific day of her life, and she had survived drowning and a mass shooting. She vividly remembered shouting her husband's name at the top of her lungs, when she finally found him almost passed out with a massive piece of the airplane going through his hand. They were lucky though, the plane crash could have killed all of them, but only the pilot Jerry died and Arizona had lost her leg, and for this Meredith was grateful.

"Hey, earth to Mer. We still haven't settled on what Virgin Mary and Jackson are talking about," Alex said.

"Alex. They're friends, just leave it alone. He came back because of the plane crash, he thought Mark would be back to work by now." Meredith responded, trying to get that horrible day out of her head.

"No, he came back for Kepner," Cristina proudly stated. And with that Meredith turned around and really looked at her two friends sitting a few tables away from them. Here was April Kepner, sitting with her red hair in a tasseled ponytail, her hazel eyes staring intently at Jackson holding onto every word he was saying. And there was Jackson, who seemed to be pouring his heart out and April, oh sweet April, couldn't have been the wiser.

"Oh my God," the words fell out of Meredith's mouth.

"Oh my God what? What do you know?" Cristina could hardly contain her excitement. And a smirk came over Meredith's face, the one that Cristina hated. She hated to not be the first, to not be the one who came up with the solution to their problem.

"April Kepner has gone to the carnival," Meredith slyly replied.

"What is that even supposed to mean," Alex asked stuffing another bite of his sandwich into his mouth. Cristina just looked at Mer, eyes wide open with surprise and glee. Her eyes met April's, and she gave her a big thumbs up, slightly mocking her, but she was actually proud of Kepner. April shuddered with embarrassment, which only caused Cristina to laugh.

"Why would you do that?" Meredith scolded Cristina. "She's a virgin, wait was a virgin."

"What!" Alex had finally picked up on what was happening. "April Kepner isn't a virgin, who did she sleep with?"

"Take a look for yourself," Meredith said.

"And I thought I could go one month in this hospital without there being any drama, I really should have gone to John's Hopkins," he scoffed.

Jackson looked at April, who had looked like she had just seen a ghost.

"They know, how do they know?" she clearly was talking about Meredith, Cristina, and Alex. Jackson could have cared less if they knew, hell he wanted the world to know that he had slept with April Kepner. He felt proud of it. Their lunch had been going well up until this point, the topics of conversation kept to surgery. She asked him where he was staying, but that was about as personal as it got. Before he could muster up the courage to tell her how he felt, her pager went off.

"Hey, this was great, I'm really glad we can be friends again and get past, you know, well you know everything," her voice was rambling but he knew that she was uncomfortable so he let her go.

"Yeah. Well, I'm going to be at Joe's tonight, if you still want to catch up?"

"I'd like that." She quickly grabbed her white lab coat and ran out of the cafeteria, red hair blazing.

He had been in the O.R. with Meredith Grey who had managed to keep her mouth shut during the entire surgery, but when they were scrubbing out, she smacked him over the head with a towel.

"You defiled a virgin! April Kepner was a virgin." She yelled.

"Yes. But she's also a grown woman," he was annoyed that he even had to try and defend himself. April had come on to him, and just thinking about it made him excited.

"Jackson," Meredith's voice suddenly became calm "I know she doesn't see it, and maybe you don't either. But I do. Cause you never think the last time's going to be the last time- you think there will be more. You think you have forever, but you don't. I've been where you are, I was in love with Derek and I let time slip by. I let him go, because I was too afraid to tell him what I wanted. Because I was the girl with daddy issues and a mother who couldn't remember what decade she was in. You love April Kepner, tell her."

"What are you talking about?"

"Jackson, Mark didn't ask for you to come back."

"Meredith, yes he did."

"No, he didn't. And I'm not going to get into this with you, why are you being so defensive. I'm trying to help you. Tell April how you feel. You do not know the regret of letting something amazing pass you by."

"I can't," his voice began to shake, "I can't tell her because I'm not enough for her. I tried to today, I even thought I was going to tonight, but I can't. Now that I really think about it. April deserves a man that is going to take her places, treat her like a queen, be her knight in shining armor. I'm not that man, I don't know how to be that man."

"But you can learn," Meredith's words were reassuring, "April doesn't need a knight in shining whatever, she just needs someone who cares about her, who respects her, and who she can trust. All that other garbage you two can work out. But if you don't say anything, if you don't let her know how you feel, you'll regret it for the rest of your life."

He had decided; he was going to tell her tonight. He, Jackson Avery, was in love with April Kepner.


	2. Chapter 2

**This is my first fanfic, so I hope you all enjoy it. I'd really appreciate any type of review or comment on my work. Thanks for reading, more will be coming soon if you're interested! -R.**

Jackson had thought long and hard about Meredith's words. He would have been a fool to let April Kepner go without giving it a fighting chance. His body was practically shaking as he held on to his glass of scotch, which he finished in a few gulps. Meredith and Alex were also at Joe's, but they sat at a table watching from afar. Why were they even here, probably to make fun of him if he was left in the lurch?

He wasn't accustomed to being this person; the person whose stomach is full of butterflies when they think about someone. He's always been the one who's being chased, not the chaser. Fear started to surge through him, "you can do it," he said to himself, "she's your best friend." She was his best friend, they used to every single day, growing especially close after the death of their friends Charles and Reed. But since he went to Tulane, he couldn't manage to gather up the courage to call her. Maybe he didn't deserve to tell her how he felt; maybe he deserved to live with the guilt of knowing that April Kepner would always be too good for him.

Then he saw her, red hair pulled up in a messy bun, she had light makeup on and was wearing a green top that really made her pale skin pop. She was breath taking; he still couldn't believe she could look so good after a ten-hour shift in the pit. But here she was standing before him; completely oblivious to the way he was staring at her.

"Why is everyone at the hospital fucking one another?" Alex groaned as he took a sip of his drink.

"I think it's sweet, plus Kepner deserves to be happy." Meredith responded. "Also, you're one to talk, you're screwing an intern. Wilson is it?"

"Yeah, that's none of your concern," he playfully said.

"I know. But be careful, interns can be awfully clingy and you're the last person I see settling down any time soon."

"Says the woman who went up and married the attending she was screwing and then had a kid with him."

"We weren't 'screwing' I was in love with him. Big difference."

"Mhmm."

Kepner took off her coat and sat down at the bar next to Jackson. She couldn't tell him, she didn't have the heart to tell him about what was weighing on her mind. She ordered a simple coke because she had an early shift the next morning, but also because she knew that alcohol would just mess with her head.

"So, uh how was your first day back?" She said, trying hard to not make the situation awkward.

"April," he began, the way he said her name made her melt, but she was still angry with him, "We already talked about my day, it went fine, you know why I asked you to get drinks."

"Jackson, what do you want me to say? If you came here to apologize, don't bother it's been two months, I'm fine. I didn't pick up the phone to call you either, so honestly there's no bad blood. I just want us to go back to the way things were."

"But you see, I can't do that. April," the words were just about to come out of his mouth when a tall man wearing a paramedic's uniform came up behind April and put his hand on her shoulder and kissed her. Jackson's blood was boiling with rage.

"Hi Matthew, I didn't think your shift was over for another hour," she giggled.

"Got done early and thought I'd come and meet the famous Jackson Avery," he extended out his hand, "Hi, I'm Matthew Taylor."

"Jackson Avery, nice to meet you. And you're?"

"Jackson, he's my boyfriend. We've been seeing each other for about six weeks now. I wanted to tell you, we've just been caught up with everything; it completely slipped my mind. What were you saying before he got here?"

"Oh nothing. I was just going to ask you about the apartment." April was a little disappointed by this response; she was hoping he had come back for her. Sure she liked Matthew and the sex was good, but it wasn't earth shattering. He was a rebound, and she wanted no one else but Jackson. She hated the way she was feeling, she felt like she was toying Matthew along, having sex with him because she thought it was what girlfriends were supposed to do, not because she wanted to. Well of course she wanted sex, but maybe just not sex with him. It was so hard too, because Matthew was so sweet and caring and he held her while she cried about losing her best friend, he respected her religious views even offering to go to church with her on Sunday, and he never once made fun of her. He was the perfect guy, her perfect guy, but she met him just a little too late, her heart belonged to another.

"Oh okay, well I think me and Matthew are going to head out, I'll see you tomorrow. Night, "she tried to hide the disappointment in her voice.

"Night," he responded, "Joe, I'll take another scotch please."

Meredith and Alex had seen the whole thing and she felt absolutely terrible that Jackson had just been so publicly rejected, before he could even say the elusive three words, 'I love you'. She had never seen the paramedic interact with April around the hospital before, if she had she never would of told Jackson to let it all out. Well, that was partially true, she was the one who confessed her love for Derek Shepherd in the scrub room talking about pretending to like his taste in music and what not. But he chose Addison. She knew he wanted her, but he had to do what was right, and for Jackson's sake she hoped that April still felt the same.

"She goes from Virgin Mary to having two guys vie for her attention in less than a month. What's in the water Kepner's drinking?" Alex scoffed.

"Oh hush, come on Jackson looks pretty upset, I think I should go talk to him." Meredith got up from the table she and Alex were sitting at and approached the devilishly handsome plastic surgeon; who had just experienced his first heartbreak.

"Hey," Meredith began.

"Go away Meredith. I'd like to be alone," Jackson was on his third glass of scotch and didn't look like he was about to slow down anytime soon.

"You know I can't do that. Jackson, I care about you and April. I honestly didn't know she had a boyfriend, I'm sorry."

"Don't be. She's allowed to live her life, you know? I left her. I ran away. This is all my fault."

"Jackson, sometimes things aren't going to be exactly the way you left them, but that doesn't mean you can't find something better than before. Did you at least tell her how you feel?"

"Of course not. Meredith, who do you think I am?" The anger was rising in his voice, "I'm in mountains of pain right now thinking about how the woman I love is going home with that geeky paramedic who is absolutely perfect for her on paper. I can't tell her how I feel; I can't put that guilt on her. No it's better to stay quiet."

"Jackson, you don't know what April's feeling. What if she wants you to? I saw her face when Matthew snuck up behind her, her eyes didn't light up. When she looks at you, they do." And with that Meredith left him at the bar and went back to her table with Alex.

The next day at the hospital Avery tried to keep his head down, he had been humiliated from last night and just wanted to do everything in his power to forget it. He had come in early to do his rounds, hoping to avoid April; he wasn't ready to face her, not yet.

"Avery, my man," Mark Sloan said while holding Sofia in his arms. He had his usual Mark Sloan charm plastered all over his face, but the typical blue scrubs he wore were absent.

"Dr. Sloan, it's great to see you," Avery went in for a hug, hell it had been months since he had seen his mentor other than the occasional Skype call to check in on his progress. If Sloan had been in the field for more than three more hours, he likely wouldn't have made it and neither would Lexie, "I thought you had three more weeks off."

"I do, just dropping Sofia off at daycare for Callie and Arizona."

"Oh yeah, how are they doing, I kind of heard about," he was implying about Arizona's leg, but didn't want to drop the obvious elephant in the room.

"They're working through things. I tell you Avery, I thought being in a relationship was hard, but being in one while your spouse is recovering is unbearable."

"Spouse?"

"Yeah Lexie and I got married, shortly after the accident. As soon as she was conscious we had the hospital priest come and marry us," Mark smiled at the memory. Lexie had just woken up after three days in a coma, and her first words to him were "It's you, it has always been you." He prayed for the moment he would be able to tell her that she was the love of his life and that she meant the world to him, kids could wait, his career could wait, but time could not stop for her. As soon as she opened her eyes, he said, "Marry me." And within the hour they were man and wife.

"Congratulations man, I'm really happy for you. Let Lexie know I hope she can get back to work soon," Jackson genuinely responded, he once loved Lexie but she loved Mark and he was glad she told him. He couldn't imagine being with someone who was in love with someone else, it would have been heart wrenching.

"Thanks, I'll let her know. But seriously Avery, it seems like you and Karev are the only ones who aren't hitched," he joked.

"Yeah, well it's not something I'm looking for right now," he lied.

"You could always fall back on Kepner. You two have been friends for years; you could have one of those if neither of us are married by forty we'll just marry each other, sort of deals."

"Kepner has a boyfriend, so I don't think that will be happening any time soon."

"April Kepner? Shrill, annoying, April Kepner; has a boyfriend. Wouldn't have thought she had it in her. Hey, do you think she's, you know," he made a facial remark that clearly was implying sex, "it's actually kind of funny, I told her that she should do it with you right before the boards to relax and rewind, let out some of her stress. Maybe that's why she's been so casual lately, Kepner is finally getting laid."

"I'd rather not talk about it, she is my best friend. And I have no idea if she is or not, I just met him last night," Jackson was getting agitated with this conversation.

"Avery, I'd love to stay and chat, but I've got to run and get Sofia to day care and pick up Lexie's prescriptions. See you around."

April had come in to work late that morning, even though she hadn't drank at all the night before she still woke up with a pounding headache and called Owen to see if she could come in late. He obviously obliged, given her circumstances, but she hated asking him for yet another favor. He was her boss, but sometimes he felt like the big brother she never had, and always wanted. She was surprised by how calm Matthew was when they got home, maybe he wasn't able to sense the tension between her and Jackson or the seriousness of the conversation, but he had not even questioned her about it once they had got back to her place. They had sex, and fell asleep in each other's arms, just like most nights. They never talked, not the way she and Jackson did. Their conversations were usually short and sweet, but never really flowed, he never made her laugh until her stomach hurt or made her feel so incredibly sexy and deserved the way Jackson did. She knew she needed to break up with him, but now that Jackson was back, she had to look like she had someone else, it would be too embarrassing if he thought she was pining over him, but also she needed to move on for her own well-being and Matthew was the perfect person. She could learn to love him, it had only been six weeks; she and Jackson had five years to form their friendship; things like love take a while to take shape.

"Kepner, I didn't see you come in." Cristina chimed.

"Oh, I had a terrible headache this morning," April responded.

"I keep getting those too, but it's probably from my pregnancy," Meredith stated. She was fifteen weeks along with her and Derek's first biological child, second to Zola the baby girl they adopted from Malawi.

"You're pregnant?" April gasped, "I didn't know that! Congratulations!" Cristina had left the room for her surgery; she had had enough of all the oohs and aahs over Meredith's pregnancy. She was so elated for her best friend when she told her and Owen over dinner, but it had been two weeks and there would be so many more, Cristina needed a break.

"I guess I've been hiding it well, you know like some other people?"

"What's, what's that supposed to mean?" April questioned Meredith.

"April, I'm a doctor. You know what I'm getting at."

"Meredith, please don't say it." April eyes were screaming with fear.

"You're going to have to tell Jackson April. He's going to find out sometime."

"I can't. Meredith, he left. I thought he was gone, I thought I would never have to see him again. I tried to tell him, I really did, I tried to make him stay," tears were welling up in her eyes.

"April, you can't do this alone. Especially when you don't have to." Meredith's words sounded so motherly, God April missed her mom right now and her sisters back in Moline.

"I just can't. He's so happy. He's finally back on his feet. This will destroy him." It took everything in Meredith's power not to shout out, 'He loves you, you blabbering idiot.'

"April, if he finds out that you've been keeping this from him, he's never going to forgive you."

"I know. But I'm not sure I'm ready to forgive him. I just need more time."

"How far along are you?"

"8 weeks." April Kepner had not admitted it out loud to anyone; she thought that if she ignored it, somehow it would all go away. That awful night in San Francisco, the tension between her and her best friend, it would all go back to normal. But how can you go back, when too much has changed, there are some things time cannot mend. She looked down at her growing stomach and smiled. She knew that there was some good left in this world, if you're willing to wait.

"Me and you."


	3. Chapter 3

2 months earlier

The biggest day of their surgical careers was upon them, and to say April was nervous was a massive understatement. She had studied every day for months leading up to the exam, logged as many O.R. hours as possible, and she was chief resident. She had everything lined up, she would do her fellowship at Case Western and become the kick ass trauma surgeon she knew she could be. But, the boards changed her.

She and Jackson had gone to the bar to get a drink and relax before the test the next morning, Meredith was sick with the stomach flu and Cristina was helping her cope, while Alex had driven back to Seattle to see his patient.

"We're falling apart," April, sighed into her drink.

"It's going to be okay, you and I are going to be fine," Jackson reassured her.

"Me and you," April smiled.

The two of them were talking at the bar, Jackson still hadn't decided if he wanted to stay at Seattle Grace or go to Tulane. April had made her decision two weeks ago, but he hadn't the courage to tell her to stay. She was his best friend, he couldn't imagine being without her.

"Hey, I just wanted to say no hard feelings about earlier. May the best man win," Kyle, the Case Western resident whose job April took approached her trying to be polite, but something in his tone was off putting.

"Sure, yeah, no hard feelings. Good luck tomorrow," April tried to maintain her composure.

"Yeah, well I guess you could give Ted Stevens something I couldn't. He sure as hell likes himself a read head."

"Hey, we're all getting a little wound up right now, big test in the morning. Why don't we just relax," Jackson defended April.

"No, you're right. Big test, wouldn't want to be caught sleeping with my boss before it." And right then and there April spun out of the bar stool and punched him square in the nose, and Jackson made his wide-eyed 'holy shit' expression. He had never seen this side of April Kepner. He knew she was a strong woman, she'd been through her fair share of trauma, but April usually took what was being dished out to her for better or worse. Kyle couldn't contain his embarrassment, so he just walked away cradling his newly broken nose with his hands.

"I can't believe I just did that," April gasped, still feeling the exhilarating feeling of punching that asshole in the face. She and Jackson were standing outside her hotel room, and something just came over her. Maybe it was Mark's words about sleeping with Avery or maybe she had finally decided to give into what her mind had been begging for, for the past few years. A chance with Jackson Avery, and so she took his face in her hands, gently, and kissed him. She knew exactly what she was doing; she had drunk enough to gain confidence, but not too much where she wouldn't remember this in the morning.

"April, what are you doing?" He was confused by her sudden outburst, but he was certainly not disappointed by it.

"Jackson, I don't know. All I know is that tomorrow our whole lives could be over, and I don't want to risk that."

"Are you sure you want this?"

"Me and you. Jackson, yes I'm sure." And so he picked up her petite frame as she wrapped her legs around his waist, and guided her in to the hotel room. She and him had sex, the best sex he had ever had. Something about the emotional connection made every move, every detail more thrilling than a drunken hookup. After they had finished, Jackson lay in the bed, eyes open thinking about what he had done. April would hate herself in the morning, this wasn't who April was, she was the type of girl who liked to be wooed and respected. Suddenly guilt came over him, what did he do? Why did he do it, because he wanted to? Before he could contemplate any further on what he had just done, he decided to get out of her bed and go back to his hotel room. It would be easier this way; it would be easier to leave. He looked back at her tousled red hair that was sprawled over the pillow, as he gently pushed his body from hers, kissed her forehead, and left. It was probably the hardest thing he ever had to do.

April woke up the next morning slightly disoriented. She rubbed her eyes and noticed her clothes in a pile on the floor; then she looked down and saw that she was naked. Why on earth was she naked? After a few seconds April remembered everything that happened last night. Kissing Jackson, confessing her feelings for him, and then giving her self to him. It had been amazing, never in her life had she felt so confident, it was like a high. Why do people ever do drugs? But then she looked around and didn't see Jackson; he had left in the middle of the night without a word. To say she was disappointed would be an understatement, but more so she was embarrassed. Jackson was not the guy who would go for a girl like her, how could she have been such a fool to think he would?

April and Jackson both took their tests that day, while April couldn't get the shame out of her mind and Jackson couldn't get the confusion out of his. But, April was a soldier, and soldiers fight. She tried hard to focus on herself, her exam, and her medical career. Jackson could wait, her feelings for him had waited for years; they could wait one more day. When they finally made it back to Seattle April had desperately wanted to talk to him. Every thought was running through her mind, was she not good in bed, did he just have sex with her out of pity, what would happen to their friendship? She needed answers or this anxiety was going to drive her mad. So, April went to Joe's because she knew Jackson liked to go there often, it would be the one place she could meet him without any interruptions.

"Hey, is this seat taken?" A tall man wearing a paramedic's uniform, asked. He was good-looking, tall, and clean-shaven, with short brown hair. But April barely looked at him, focusing more instead on her gin and tonic.

"No, no it's not."

"My name's Matthew, I think I've seen you around the hospital a few times, you're a surgeon there right?"

"Yeah, I am." Why was he talking to her? She felt like she was giving off the 'I'm not interested vibe' but maybe no well enough.

"Yeah," Matthew could sense the awkwardness of the situation, "I've watched you work in the pit and honestly some of the work you do is just amazing." April's head suddenly turned, who was this guy, and why was he flattering her so much?

"So, you've been spying on me?" She joked.

"Well, when you say it like that, it sounds creepy?" The two of them were laughing up a storm when Jackson Avery had walked in to the bar; he had planned to talk to April about what happened at the boards. He wanted to explain why he left; he could only imagine the thoughts that were circulating in her mind. But then he saw her and the geeky looking man in the paramedic's uniform, he saw how happy she looked as her hand touched his knee. He couldn't do it. He was too late. So he left the bar and called Tulane.

"Hi, Dr. Umber. This is Jackson Avery, I've decided to take your fellowship offer, look forward to seeing New Orleans soon."

"Jackson, I didn't see you at Joe's last night," April began. She had caught him at his favorite coffee cart, which she did purposefully she needed to talk to him.

"Oh, yeah, I was just really swamped with paperwork." He tried to keep his head down, this whole, I'm in love with my best friend but can't tell them thing was getting exhausting.

"Paper work for what?"

"Tulane. April, I'm going to Tulane." And in that instant April's heart shattered.

"Oh, I didn't know that. I thought you were staying here?"

"What do I have here?" Anger poured through his voice.

"You have me."

"You're going to Case Western."

"Not if you tell me not to, I'm not." Jackson knew exactly what she was saying, Jackson knew every little nuance of her personality; she wanted him to say it first. But he couldn't be the one to hold her back.

"April," he began, "I can't tell you to do that."

"Are we ever going to be the same," tears started to form and she had that lump in the back of her throat that made her voice sound groggy.

"I don't know. April, I honestly don't know. But I do know, that for now I have to go."

"Okay."

"April, you know it will always be me and you. No matter what we're still standing." But it was too late, she didn't hear him, she had already left.

Six weeks later, April was preparing the finishing touches on packing her apartment. She had been seeing Matthew casually for about a month, and he had been more than willing to help her move even though he knew her going to Ohio signified their break up.

"Okay, so if your flights on the 17th, then that means we should book the hotel for the 18th and 19th right?" he asked. And then it hit her like a ton of bricks; she hadn't had her period this month. And now that she thought about it, she hadn't had it last month either.

"Yeah, sounds good Matthew. I've got to run back to the hospital to get some stuff I left in my locker," she kissed him as she bolted out the door. Once there she took a blood test, her mind was racing at a mile a minute. She couldn't be pregnant. It was impossible. She had had sex once and with a condom. No, it was just stress.

"Dr. Kepner," the technician stated. "Here's that blood work you asked for."

"Thank you." April looked down at the folder, almost too afraid to open it. Deep down in her gut she knew what it was going to say. And she was right, the word _pregnant_ popped out of the page. She didn't know what to do, so she just sat down on the gurney that was closest to her, put her head in her hands and cried.

"Kepner, what's going on? Case Western resend your offer?" Karev asked, with his typical Karev starkness.

"No, it's not that. I'm fine, don't worry about it." She tried to hide her tears; he was certainly the last person she wanted to tell.

"April, what is it?"

"It's honestly nothing. Please stop asking me."

"It's about Jackson isn't it? He doesn't know does he?" Alex pointed down at the open file folder that said, Jane Doe and _pregnant_.

"No," she breathed out, "he doesn't." Alex took her in his arms and hugged her, he could be the biggest ass in the entire world, but sometimes he knew exactly what to say. And so she cried in his arms for what felt like hours, he didn't let go of her until she was ready.

April told Hunt that she had decided to stay in Seattle and by deciding to stay in Seattle she and Matthew could continue seeing one another. She didn't have the heart to break up with him, but how could she stay with a man when she was clearly pregnant with someone else's baby? The next two weeks after she found out were pretty intense. She had had sex with Matthew for the first time, further cementing the fact that she wanted no one other than Jackson, she had prepared herself for her first new residents, and she was about to start her first day as an attending trauma surgeon at Seattle Grace Mercy West. Everything was going well, her life had finally been put together in a way that both she and God were happy about, until he had walked through those doors. Jackson was back, and April didn't know how to feel. She loved him; she wanted him more than anything in the world. But he also left her, she gave him the opportunity to come back, to be with her, but he said no. Well, he didn't say no, he said nothing, which was almost worse.

She refused to tell him about the baby at first, what would he think? The thought of telling him scared her half to death. Telling Matthew had been painfully awkward and embarrassing, but he wasn't even the baby daddy. He was so kind to her, telling her that he would be there to support her and do whatever she needed him to do. He was the perfect guy on paper, why couldn't her heart see it. Her brain could comprehend everything he did for her, he held her hair back when she puked in the morning, he bought her, her favorite food and cooked her dinner every night, and he rubbed her feet. He waited on her hand and foot, for a baby that wasn't even his. She didn't deserve him. She couldn't keep doing this to him.

Three weeks had gone by since Jackson had come back, and now April was 11 weeks along and starting to show. Luckily when she wore her scrubs no one would have been the wiser, and she stuck to loose fitting shirts on her way into the hospital. She knew she only had a few more weeks before everything would be out in the open and the little bubble of sanity that she had created for herself would burst. She had decided to break up with Matthew last week. He understood completely, he knew that she had too many other things on her mind and that she couldn't give him everything he deserved. It hurt so much to see the look in his eyes; he had really grown attached to the babies, acting as if they were his. She hated herself for hurting him, but she hated herself more for being such a coward when it came to Jackson. Why couldn't she tell him, why couldn't she make herself tell him.

"Kepner," Alex practically shouted from a top his lungs. "You're forgetting something!" Alex had become Mr. Mom in the past few weeks, making sure April took her pre-natal vitamins and he even took her to her first obgyn appointment.

"Oh yeah, thank you Alex," she was slightly annoyed at his helicopter parenting, but swallowed her vitamin without any difficulty.

"So, is your appointment still next Monday? I think I cleared the afternoon."

"Yes, it is."

"Okay, I'll be there," he gave her a look of sympathy, he knew she didn't have to go through this alone, but until she was ready to tell Jackson he was going to be that person for her. Meredith Grey had begun to show, she was much further along than April and the whole hospital was enamored with her and Derek's baby.

"April," Meredith's cool voice stated, "How are you feeling? Any symptoms?"

"Nope, none more than usual."

"How's Matthew doing?" Meredith was curious; she hadn't seen the paramedic in a few days.

"Good I think. He and I actually broke up."

"Oh no, April I'm sorry to hear that. Was it because of?" Meredith tried not to say the word, "pregnancy" because of Jackson and because she was also pretty convinced that April was still in denial over the whole situation.

"No, I broke up with him. It was completely amicable."

"That's good. Well you know, if you ever need to talk, I'm here."

"I know that. Thank you Meredith."

Monday came around quickly, and April was getting sort of excited to see her babies again. But then she saw him, Jackson Avery was standing at the nurse's station outside of OB. Why was he here? Did someone tell him? Did he know?

"Hi, Jackson, what are you doing here?" April asked, trying to keep her composure. She was twelve weeks along with twins, and anyone with half a brain would have been able to tell. Her stomach was clearly rounder and her boobs had grown to the size of watermelons, or at least they felt like it.

"I have a patient, pregnant woman with some pretty bad burns. What are you doing up here?"

"Oh, I was," she panicked and then she saw Alex, "Just meeting Alex. Karev!" she shouted, giving him the eye to come over.

"Well, I've got to get to my patient, see you later."

"Yeah." The wave of panic subsided and April and Karev headed into the exam room and waited for Dr. Keller. She was the best OB in the hospital, and April wanted nothing but the best. Alex held her hand, as the cool ultra sound gel was squeezed onto her now rounded tummy. And then she saw them, her two babies, and her lifelines. Jackson had come out of his patient's room and went back to the nurse's station to grab a chart, and he saw through the glass on the door April Kepner. Round belly and all. And suddenly his whole body went numb.


	4. Chapter 4

**Hey you guys, thank you for your kind words. I understand some of you dislike that she slept with Matthew, it mainly was because April wanted to get over Jackson and put herself wholeheartedly into her relationship with Matthew, but it didn't work. I also hated the revirginizing storyline on Grey's, so I wanted to write April differently. Anyways, please keep writing reviews and/or sharing this story. 3 -R.**

April Kepner wiped off her stomach and pulled her scrub top over her belly. Alex Karev had left five minutes earlier; he was paged to one of his patient's who was having a minor freak out over having her first surgery later that afternoon.

"The babies look great, your boyfriend really knows what he's doing. You're lucky to have him," Dr. Keller said trying to make April feel better.

"Yeah, he does." April sighed. She grabbed the ultra sound picture from Dr. Keller and smiled down at it. She would tell him, soon. She just didn't know how, or when, or where?

Jackson Avery had gone back to his patient's room, trying to forget about what he had seen. His mind was playing tricks on him. April was not pregnant. She would have told him. But he left, he left her in the lurch, she asked him to stay and he said nothing. Did she know? Was she asking him to stay because of this? His mind was confused and he could barely focus on his patient, he had to go outside and take a breath. And has he left his patient's room; April Kepner was leaving her room, holding a sonogram in her hand. He saw her tuck it into her lab coat pocket and before he could even think about what he was doing, his feet were moving, and he pushed her into a supply closet.

"Jackson!" She screamed, "Get off of me. What are you doing?" She tried hard to release his strong grip from her arm. She met his eyes, and the color faded from her cheeks. He knew. How did he know? How on earth had he figured it out? Did Alex say something; God Alex must have said something.

"April, what were you really doing up here?" He asked.

"I told you, I had a patient. Now, please let me go," she was almost going to cry. This whole situation made her want to curl up in a ball and cry, but no she was a soldier. She was going to be strong. She could stand here, and look the man she loves in the eye, and tell him that she didn't need him. But every time she thought about being that woman, the one who didn't let bad things happen to her, the one who said no whenever she wanted, the woman April wished she could be. April melted at the sound of his voice or his tender touch. She could sense his anger, she was angry too, but here she had the choice. Be angry or be in love.

"April, what's in your pocket?"

"Nothing."

"I saw you with Karev, I saw you come out of that room. Please tell me what's going on," he was practically begging. Tears were swelling in his blue-green eyes. "You were my best friend, you told me everything."

"Jackson, you left."

"I know I did, but I had to."

"I asked you to stay, why didn't you stay?"

"I couldn't be the man you needed me to be. You deserve someone like Matthew, he's perfect for you."

"Don't you think I know that?," her voice was getting louder, "Don't you think I know that Matthew is the man who I'm supposed to be with? But Jackson, I was in love with you! I wanted you! And you left." He was completely shocked by this, he knew she felt the same way, but to hear the words come out of her mouth like a flowing river were music to his ears.

"April, I'm sorry. I got scared," he breathed in; this was his moment. Now or never. "I never stopped loving you, I think I always have loved you." April was taken a back by his confession of love, she knew this was what she wanted to hear, but something in her didn't want to know. Her perfect happiness bubble had just been burst, and she didn't know if she was ready to face all these feelings she was having for her best friend.

"Jackson, I don't know what to say."

"You don't have to say anything," his hands were now holding her face, it felt so nice to have him hold her again, to be in his embrace, it felt like home.

"Let me help you. April, you don't have to do this alone." He refused to say the words, until she would.

"Jackson, I loved you. Like really loved you. I don't want you if you don't want me. I'm not the kind of girl who's going to sit and wait for someone."

"I know, you've moved on with Matthew."

"Matthew and I broke up."

"Why?" He couldn't help but be excited over that news.

"Because I couldn't give him what he wanted."

"And what do you want?"

"I don't know. Sometimes I think I want you. Other times I think I can do it alone, but I don't want to. But Jackson," she looked into his eyes, "I don't know if I would be able to put myself back together again if you left." She placed her head on his chest and sobbed. He finally realized what he had put her through; he finally realized what he had done. He thought he was leaving her to save her from pain, but instead he was the cause of her pain. "Jackson, I'm scared. What am I going to do? I'm all alone."

"Shh," he stroked her hair, "No you're not. You have me."

"Do I? Do you promise me you won't leave, you won't run away? Because Jackson, I'm so scared that you will. So, I'm giving you right now to walk away, and I'll forgive you." Her words broke his heart, God he hated that he had hurt her so much.

"April, I'm not going anywhere." And then she pulled out the sonogram from her pocket; his eyes were wide with shock and disbelief. It was real.

"I'm twelve weeks now." She handed him the sonogram and he studied it with such intensity. He didn't say anything. She knew he knew, but she had just confirmed it, and so he was in shock. She had about passed out when she found out, and if Alex hadn't comforted her she didn't know where her head would have been.

"April, why didn't you tell me?"

"I was scared."

"April, I'm never going to leave you. I love you, and our baby." He grabbed her and kissed her lips, it had been so long since he had felt her sweet, soft lips touch his.

"Babies," she whispered, "You love me and our babies." Jackson stepped back, and leaned against the wall of the supply closet, now he was actually in shock.

"Babies?"

"Twins," she laughed, "Can you believe that? First time I have sex, and I get pregnant with twins?" She did think it was pretty funny, like God was playing some kind of sick joke on her.

"Wow." He tried to compose himself. "Twins. I don't know what I'm going to tell my mother."

"Trust me, telling mine was not fun."

"You already told your family?"

"Well of course. Jackson, I didn't think you were coming back."

"Wait. So you weren't going to tell me if I didn't come back? Are you kidding me April?"

"Jackson, don't be ridiculous. Of course I would have told you. I just didn't know how. It's not the easiest conversation to have."

"How long have you known?" pain started to seep through his voice.

"Six weeks."

"You've know for three weeks while I've here and didn't even bother to tell me? Why April? Were you ever going to tell me?"

"Yes."

"And to see you with Karev of all people, you hate Karev. Why did he know before me?"

"Because, unlike you, he was there." She couldn't take it anymore, she and Jackson were so right and so wrong for each other. One minute they're confessing their love for one another and the next, they're fighting like cats and dogs. She ran out of that supply closet, at the same time Alex was back in the OB's room to grab his phone that he left there. He didn't go after April; instead he decided to talk to Jackson. No way would she be this upset if she hadn't told Jackson.

"Jackson, what the hell?" Alex yelled, he was prepared to punch him in the face.

"Alex, I do not need this right now. Go away." Jackson scowled.

"No I'm not going to go away. What are you doing man? You're being the exact same coward that your father was."

"Don't you dare talk about my father, you don't know what happened."

"You're right, I don't know what happened. But I do know that it messed with your head, and maybe you're not willing to admit that. But you have a woman who loves you and who needs you. She's not going to wait around forever for you to deal with your shit. So get your head out of your ass and do something."

"What if I can't? What if I can't be a good father? What if I can't be the man she deserves?"

"If you never try, you'll never know. Seriously man, man up. This is it; this is your starting line. Everything leading up to this day meant nothing; today you found out you're going to be a father. Be one. Go find her."

April ran through the hospital, trying hard to get away from Jackson and all the thoughts that were running through her head. She loved him, she wanted him, but she was still so angry with him. Tears were falling down her cheeks. She thought about how embarrassed she was to tell her mom that she was pregnant from basically a one-night stand, and when her mom asked her about it, about the man. She couldn't tell her anything about it, because she didn't know what he was. Was he her best friend, was he going to be there, she didn't know, but she knew that at this point she didn't trust him. She wasn't ready to let him in, not yet.

"April?" Meredith called after her. "April, slow down."

"What is it Meredith?" she snapped.

"He knows, doesn't he?"

"Yes. He knows." Meredith stopped in her tracks and pulled April into her, hugging her. It was unlike Meredith to hug anyone like this, but her hormones had been completely out of whack since she got pregnant. Some motherly instinct came over her and she new she needed to hold April Kepner.

"It's going to be okay. You have me and Alex and Owen, you're going to be okay." April just sobbed into her chest, Jackson Avery heard the whole thing. He saw how broken April was.

"I can't do it Meredith. One minute we're fine, the next we're fighting. He's too much. He's just so broken and right now, I can't mend him."

"Give him a chance April, he may surprise you." Jackson was listening intently to their conversation.

"He isn't ready for this. It's better if I just go. He doesn't need me holding him back." Jackson could hear the brokenness in her voice, God why didn't she see it. Why couldn't she see how much she meant to him, to everyone around her? April Kepner was not alone in this world. She was remarkably talented, beautiful, kind, strong, he smiled just thinking about her and how she would do anything for the people she loved and even the ones she didn't. He knew she didn't keep the pregnancy from him to hurt him; she did it to spare him. He caught Meredith's eyes and gave her the, 'I'll take it from here look'.

"April," Jackson started, "Can we talk."

"Jackson, I'd rather not."

"April, I have a surgery to get to. You need to talk to him. If you need anything, just page me okay?" Meredith left, April was staring at the ground, and she looked Jackson straight in the eyes and said, "This is your chance. Do not let her go."

"April," he began, "I'm sorry for getting angry before. I can't imagine what you've been feeling. I guess I just took out all my rage about losing you and my jealousy over Matthew out in that moment. I'm sorry."

"Jackson, stop. I can't take you being nice to me like this. I'm a horrible person, I've done horrible things to you, to God, to my family."

"April what are you talking about?"

"I lied to you, I could have told you so much earlier, I made you sleep with me and now you're trapped," she was sobbing now, "I slept with Matthew because I thought it would help me get over you. It didn't. It just made me more confused."

Jackson was angry over hearing that she had slept with Matthew. His blood boiled. She was his; she was whom he was supposed to end up with. And the thought of someone else having the same connection as he did with her made him feel sick.

"It's okay. April, there's nothing to forgive," he tried so hard to be strong, "please look at me."

"I can't. I don't deserve to look at you. You really should go; I'm just going to hold you back. I'm going to talk to Hunt, and tell him I'm going home. There's nothing keeping me here anymore."

"April, stop it! I'm here. I want you. We can do this. Stop pitying yourself."

"Jackson, you're just saying that because you have to. You're a good guy, it's part of the reason I love you. But you don't need me and the babies holding you down. You're their father, but you don't have to be anything more."

"I want to be, though."

"What do you mean?"

"I want more. I want to be more. I've been scared of commitment my whole life, but I think it's because I never saw what real love was," he began to ramble, "I want the whole damn thing. The wife, the house, the job, and the kids. And I want it with you."

"What are you saying?"

"April Kepner, will you marry me?" Her jaw dropped, and the seconds he waited for her response felt like an eternity. "Well, will you?" He asked again, slightly chocking on his words.


	5. Chapter 5

_I'd like to say that hope is the worst feeling of them all. Because when you let yourself wish for what you truly want, and it doesn't happen, that disappointment could kill a person…_

Meredith Grey hadn't seen her sister Lexie in over two weeks and she was so excited to have her back at the hospital. Lexie's rehab had been going well, and she had regained 80% function in her left arm, with luck she may be able to return to surgery in about six months. Both she and Derek had been keeping each other company planning for the dream home, which now housed an extra bedroom for Meredith's son. Meredith finally had everything she had ever wanted, everything she had been too afraid to want.

When she was five years old, her father walked out on her mother, because she was having an affair with another resident, Richard Webber. He was also the chief of surgery at Seattle Grace Mercy West while Meredith did her internship, but was replaced by Owen Hunt after his alcoholism took away from his performance. However, Thatcher Grey left Ellis, not Meredith. It didn't stop Meredith from feeling worthless, from feeling like she wasn't good enough to make him stay. He didn't fight for her, and she vividly remembered the night she drove to his house, she had been so exhausted from her patient that day and dealing with her mother's worsening Alzheimer's. She got out of her car and he instantly recognized her, she was the spitting image of her mother, except there wasn't coldness about Meredith. Sure, she was broken, damaged, but she had seen so much, it would have been down right impossible for her to be bright and shiny. And she asked him the simple question, "Why didn't you fight harder?" He quit.

Ever since Meredith had been determined not to quit, not to be the person who left when things got tough. She was a fighter. And when she met Lexie, it had been a punch in the gut. Here was this perfect woman, who was intelligent, charming, kind, and she also had the perfect upbringing. No psychotic surgeon mother who was obsessed with being extraordinary, no daddy issues, no pressure. She grew up free. And to say that Meredith was jealous of that; was an understatement. However, as she began to get to know Lexie Grey, simply because Lexie was too persistent to take no for an answer, she soon realized that 'little grey' was a person worth knowing.

Mark and Lexie came into the hospital together, he had been back for a week or so, but had mainly been sticking to teaching the young interns. He was the in O.R. once, but from what Meredith heard it hadn't gone well. Mark, like her and Cristina, had suffered some residual PTSD from the crash and was having repeating visions of the plane crash and being stranded out in the woods. Lexie told Meredith, that she had to hold him down one night because his screaming was so intense. To make matters worse, they were in the process of suing the airplane company, which turned out to have been cognizant of their faulty plane. It was stressful. Meredith's life was stressful and she didn't need any more. She needed Mark to be okay. She needed Derek to come back to work. She needed Cristina to be her person again. She wished she could snap her fingers and go back, but the carousel never stops turning.

Cristina had not been faring much better, although her injuries were much less severe than the others, her sense of self was much more broken. Cristina Yang was always the strongest one. The person who would fight to the death for whatever she wanted. But if someone ever had the pleasure of breaking down a few of Cristina's walls, they'd see that there's someone hiding behind them. Meredith had never thought of Cristina as weak, the thought would have never crossed her mind. Cristina was the person who picked up the pieces, but when Gary Clark came into the hospital and held a gun to her temple, while she was operating on Derek and Meredith sobbed like her life depended on it, something in Cristina snapped. That wall that she had built; was slowly coming down. And she needed it. It wasn't a bad thing to have her guard up, it made her, her. But bad things keep happening, to everyone. The shooting, Owen cheating, the plane crash, sometimes it's just too much for a person. Meredith wanted her person back, she wanted the Cristina she met on her first day, the one whose intimidating nature made Meredith want to be better. But Meredith is patient, she waited this long to find her family, she can wait for them to heal.

"Good morning, Dr. Grey," Derek Shepherd came up behind her and handed a cup of decaf coffee while he kissed her cheek.

"Dr. Shepherd, I'm surprised to see you here," she playfully responded.

"I'm here to see Torres, I think she has a plan for my hand."

"You're kidding?"

"No. But don't get your hopes up, it probably won't work."

"Derek," she gently grabbed his arm, "It'll work."

"Why have you become so hopeful all of a sudden? You're supposed to be the dark and twisty one?"

"I think it's the hormones, you're son is making me nice!"

"That a boy! Well, I'll swing by and pick Zola up before I leave. See you at home."

"Which home?"

"The new one."

"You finished?"

"Last night." Meredith was so happy that he had finally finished that house. It felt like a lifetime ago that she told him she wanted him back, with candles lining where she thought the rooms would be. That patch of land meant everything to her. It was where Derek told her that 'she was like coming up for fresh air', and even though Meredith was furious that he didn't tell her he had a wife, something about his words just spoke to her. He was her knight in shining whatever, and she still kicks herself when she thinks about how long she went without telling him, without waking up with him next to her. Their post it wedding was absolutely perfect, his proposal in the elevator with their most memorable cases, was perfect. He was perfect. How did a man so wonderful, so incredibly intelligent, courageous, charming, fall in love with her? The broken girl with daddy issues? Because love isn't formulaic, people who look like they fit on paper aren't always perfect for one another, it's the love that's a slow build that makes it through. Derek and her had the love that took work, that took its time to marinate, and it made them appreciate it so much more. Every morning she woke up to him next to her, his dimply smile greeted her and the baby, and his shiny blue eyes told her he loved her. Life was going well.

"Meredith, have you seen Alex? I can't seem to find him anywhere," Cristina asked in a panic. Her curly hair was in shambles; clearly she had just had sex.

"Why do you need Alex, and fix your hair."

"Patient upstairs, kid, will only talk to Alex, you know. And yeah, thanks."

"Were you having sex with Owen?" Cristina was taken a back by the question, but Meredith was her best friend and they told each other everything. She was her person.

"Yes."

"Cristina!" Annoyance was coming through Meredith's tone. Owen had cheated on Cristina a few months back, as a sort of revenge for her aborting their baby. They both hurt each other, and were like star-crossed lovers who never seemed to be on the right page.

"You don't get to judge me. It's more complicated than you think."

"Trust me, I know complicated. Cristina, come on, have a little self-respect."

"Says the woman who slept with a married man."

"I loved him."

"And I love Owen," she started to speak more slowly, "But things are complicated. Meredith, I'm not doing this lightly. He knows we're still divorced, right now it's just sex, nothing more."

"Okay."

April Kepner walked in to the attending's lounge. She was sixteen weeks now, and it was no longer something she could keep hidden. She had taken the past two weeks off to go to Moline and visit her parents, and explain the whole ordeal, while Jackson had gone to Boston to tell his mother in person.

"Morning!" April said in her cherry tone. Cristina turned her head and her eyes went wide when she noticed April's pregnant belly. She practically chocked on her water.

"Morning Kepner, anything new?" Cristina asked.

"Nope, nothing new. How are you?" She responded.

"I'm good. Kepner, are you forgetting something?"

"No, no I don't think so. Did I leave my stethoscope in my locker?"

"I think she's referring to the elephant in the room, Kepner," Meredith informed her pointing to her belly.

"Oh, yeah that. I'm pregnant." She said it so calmly. April had come to terms with it. She was actually starting to get excited about it. It scared the living day lights out of her at first, but then she realized she had two lives inside of her. She could feel baby A kick, baby B was pretty quiet, but she knew she had a rambuncous twin and one who would likely be hitting the books like their parents.

"When? How? Who?" The words were pouring out of Cristina's mouth.

"The boards. I think you know how. And Jackson."

"You're kidding. You're having Jackson Avery's baby. No you're not. Kepner, come on, no you're not." Cristina was practically laughing.

"You're right. I'm not having Jackson Avery's baby."

"Then whose are you having?"

"I'm having his babies. I'm pregnant with twins."

"Kepner, you continue to amaze me. I've always been on the fence about you, but now, I'm not just a friend. I'm a fan."

"Thank you?" April skeptically responded.

"Oh April, I'm liking you more and more. How was your time in Moline?" Meredith asked, trying not to probe at the elephant she was getting at. How were April and Jackson. The last time she saw them, they were talking outside the O.R., it had also been the day that April told him about the pregnancy.

"It was great. Really great seeing my family."

"And Jackson?"

"He went to Boston. To tell his mother."

"How'd that go?" Cristina asked, completely intrigued by the drama that Catherine Avery would be bringing to this situation.

"I don't know. She's supposed to be in town today, so we'll see."

"Good luck with that Kepner," Meredith said.

 _1 week earlier_

Jackson Avery had gotten off the plane in Boston, he tried to sleep on it, but he couldn't. He was a nervous wreck. He felt like a sixteen year old telling him mom he got his high school girlfriend pregnant. The only thing making this somewhat bearable was the fact that it wasn't a random woman, it was April. Which maybe made it worse. It was April, his best friend. _  
_"Jackson, darling! Come here! Now you have got me so worried, what could you not tell me over the phone?" Catherine Avery asked. She was the most powerful woman Jackson had ever met. She managed to raise her son and be a surgeon all while her dead-beat husband was nowhere to be found. She did it on her own. Jackson had nothing but respect for his mother, even if she did pry into his business once in a while.

"It's," he was struggling to get the words out, "It's about April."

"That sweet girl, I just saw that she and Matthew broke up. He looked like such a good guy for her, maybe she finally did the horizontal tango," Catherine winked.  
"That's not what I wanted to talk about, mom."

"Baby, what is it? You can tell me anything. Is something wrong with April?"

"No. Nothing's wrong with April. She's fine."

"Then what is it?"

"Mom, April's pregnant. With twins"

"Oh, that poor girl. Who's the father?" It hadn't registered with her; the gears in her head hadn't quite turned all the way.

"Me. I'm the father." His eyes met his mother's and for the first time in weeks, he cried. She pulled him in tight, into the bear hug that she would hold him in every night after his father left.

"It's okay. It's going to be okay."

"What if I can't do it? I keep asking myself, do I even know how to be a father?"

"No you don't. But you step up. And you be there for her. Do you love her?"

"More than anything."

"Then you're already so much further ahead than your father. He never loved me, not the way you love April. Trust me, I've seen the way you look at her. I like to think that I knew you loved her before the thought had ever crossed your mind. Jackson, baby. This is a good thing."

"I asked her to marry me."

"What'd she say?" And so mother and son, caught up with one another and started the paper work to transfer the foundation to the babies if anything were to happen to Jackson or Catherine. He had arranged for her to come to Seattle in one week's time for her to talk with April and sign all of the contractual items. He hated to get lawyers involved, he knew it would overwhelm April, but his mother had insisted. She had built the foundation from the ground up, made it what it was today, he couldn't let its legacy die. A part of him thought she was happy about April being pregnant solely because it meant there was finally an Avery heir and now she could rest easy.

April Kepner tapped her pen against her chart; her nerves were not calm at all today. She knew stress wasn't good for the babies, but today she had to see Catherine Avery. The woman was elusive for her meddling skills. Somehow by the end of the day she could convince April to give up her babies, move out of state, and forget she ever was a surgeon. She was that good. Her stomach was in knots, April felt like she was going to be sick, and she leaned down to relieve herself when Catherine came up behind her.

"April, baby. How're you doing?"

"I'm great Catherine."

"Good. Are you ready to get started? Jackson's already in the room."

"As ready as I'll ever be," April sighed.

April had never really liked the hospital conference rooms. They were dark and dreary, and felt dead compared to the hustle and bustle of the E.R. There, April felt alive. She felt like she could do anything, be anything. But in this tiny room, with Jackson, his mother, and their lawyer, she felt like the small little farm girl from Moline.

"April, sweetie, do you have a lawyer coming?"

"No, I didn't think that would be necessary. Will it?"

"No, it shouldn't be," Catherine said, "Alright Greg let's begin."

"Alright. Dr. Kepner, we're just going to go over a few details regarding the foundation, custody, and basic child raising agreements. Do you understand?"

"Yes." April was not in the mood to discuss these hot button issues, that she and Jackson hadn't even had the time to talk about themselves, and now to do it in front of his mother felt like an invasion of privacy.

"State your name for the record."

"April Noël Kepner."

"Dr. Kepner, is Dr. Jackson Avery the father of your unborn children?"

"Yes he is."

"It is my understanding that you had a relationship with someone else, who could also be the father."

"Jackson is the father," she was starting to get frustrated.

"Were you and," he shuffled through his papers, "Matthew Taylor having a sexual relationship?"

"Yes. We were. But like I told you, he is not the father."

"Okay, Dr. Kepner. We're going to need to do a paternity test before we sign anything regarding the foundation. Just to be safe."

"If you insist." April didn't feel like arguing, she felt like getting out of that room as quickly as possible. She knew in her gut that they were Jackson's babies. She knew that he was the only man that could be their father.

"Okay, let's move on. Child raising decisions." He continued to shuffle his papers. Jackson was agitated with this whole meeting. He and April were adults, they could figure these details out on their own, plus he was not fond of hearing about her and Matthew.

"Will the children attend board meetings once they're old enough?"

"I'm, I'm not sure. I haven't really thought about it."

"Okay, we'll put that down as a maybe. Religion. It's my understanding that Dr. Avery is an atheist and you're a Christian, how do you plan on raising the children."

"Christian. They will be raised Christian," she emphasized the will. Jackson had his reservations about God, but he respected April's beliefs and because he knew how important this was to her, he didn't fight against it.

"Schools. Boarding schools correct?"

"What? They don't need to go to boarding school, public school will be just fine."

"April, honey, they're going to be Avery's, they have to go to good schools," Catherine Avery finally put her two cents in.

"They are my children. They go where I want them to go. End of discussion. You know what, this whole meeting is too much. These are mine and Jackson's children, not yours and not the foundations."

"April, calm down. I'm only trying to help you. It'll only take a few more minutes, please stay." She reluctantly complied.

"Okay now custody. Typically we give the mother more time at the beginning, but after which are we thinking joint custody?"

"That won't be necessary," Jackson uttered, he had remained pretty silent the entire meeting, something about his mother's meddling always managed to get under his skin.

"Yeah, it won't be necessary." April replied.

"And why's that. Have you two worked it out on your own?" Catherine's lawyer asked curious.

"We don't have to. We're married." And with that April grabbed Jackson's hand and his mother, for once, was silent.


	6. Chapter 6

_They say that time heals all wounds, but what do you do when you've simply run out of time. Out of chances to give. Forgiveness is easy, but forgetting and truly moving on, is downright impossible._

Lexie Grey had walked into Seattle Grace Mercy West with a skip in her step, it had been one week since she had returned from her medical leave. Her arm still felt relatively numb, but it was certainly improving from a few weeks ago, she couldn't even move her hand. Today, she was moving her fingers and could even hold a pen. It seemed like such a trivial feat, but it was remarkable. She was surprised that the doctors in Boise were even able to reattach the arm. It had been nothing short of a miracle. When she had woken up and seen Mark sitting next to her bed, his hand intertwined with hers, she knew that even if she'd never be able to be a surgeon again, that she'd be okay. It didn't matter; nothing mattered anymore except for him. See saw the pain in his eyes, the fear he had that she wouldn't wake up, he really loved her. She kicked herself for pushing him away all those times, for being afraid of what she could not control, of what she wasn't ready for. She was only twenty-four when they met, and he was ready for kids, marriage. But there's something about almost dying; that makes you realize that you need to say to the people you that you love them, while they can still hear you. That was the day that everything became clear to her, love is enough if you believe it can be.

"Dr. Grey, good to have you back. Is your rehab going better?" Callie Torres asked. Callie hadn't been involved in the plane crash, but her wife Arizona had been and lost her leg in the accident. Callie and Arizona had been having issues, but after some therapy, and intervention from Mark they were back to normal. Mark had insisted that they put it behind them for Sofia's sake, even threatening to limit their custody if they would only be fighting. It had been a harsh threat, and one that Lexie didn't fully agree with, but it made the two surgeons speak to one another about the amputation. Arizona had put her trust in Callie and she felt betrayed when Callie had decided to amputate her leg anyway. While, Callie was scared Arizona was going to die, and she made the conscious decision to have a live wife who hated her rather than one in the ground.

"It's been great. Moving my fingers." Lexie answered charmingly. Callie was elated that everything was going so well for 'little Grey'. She had put so much effort into everyone's recoveries, Lexie was another mother to her daughter, Mark was Sofia's father, Arizona her mother, and Derek a good friend. Callie didn't like thinking about how much she could have lost that day, everyone important in her daughter's life could have been gone in an instant. So, she poured herself into her work and into making them better. Derek and her had tried new electrodes to help his nerves, even getting a donation from his sister, much to his disagreement. Now, Derek was able to play Ping-Pong for hours, the Derek Shepherd, McDreamy, was almost able to perform surgery. She did that. Callie Torres made that happen.

She was usually looked over, no one thought of her as the front-runner for chief resident. They found it comical when she married George. But Callie was as badass as they got. She was a bisexual woman who did not take no for an answer and soon had the whole hospital wrapped around her finger. Everyone vied for Dr. Calliope Torres' input, and it honestly felt great. No one could argue that it feels good to be needed.

"That's amazing," she exclaimed, "You and Mark are still on for dinner with Arizona and I on Friday right?"

"Absolutely. Wouldn't miss it for the world." Lexie had grown so attached to Sofia in the past few months. When she wasn't at rehab, she was at home taking care of Sofia. She attributes her for her recovery, without her Lexie probably would have quit. It made her think of having her own baby soon, like Meredith and April. It wasn't something she was quite set on, and she still needed to talk to Mark about it. But she knew that Mark was just waiting for her to give the okay and they would get on the baby making train as soon as possible. She loved Mark and Sofia, and she was starting to sort of love the idea of having a baby, but she also loved the idea of being a surgeon and right now she needed to work towards that. If there was even the slightest chance that she'd be able to be in the O.R. again, she was going to work her ass off for it. Because Grey's don't quit, at least Grey women don't.

Meredith waddled up the stairs, she was almost at the end of her second trimester, but it didn't lessen her fears of having a miscarriage. She was told that she had a hostile uterus and when she and Derek had wanted to conceive before she had to take painful hormonal shots in the ass. It had been a bit of a turn on having her husband pull her pants down on a short elevator and prick her bum. The fear also crept its way into her head because she had been pregnant on the day of the hospital shooting, and she vividly remembered the blood flowing down her leg while Cristina was operating on an unconscious Derek Shepherd who had a gun shot wound to the chest. She hadn't even told him about the miscarriage until weeks later. She had to go through it alone. Meredith was no stranger to doing things alone, to being on her own. She honestly thought it was easier to be alone, to have no one to answer to. The thought of loving someone and then it falling apart, if you realized that you needed love and no longer had it, you might not make it. To lose love is like organ damage, it's like dying, but you're still breathing. So, it took Meredith a very long time to open herself up, to let her hopes and desires creep to the surface and become known. She had been so scared of losing this pregnancy, like the others, that she waited until nine weeks to tell Derek. She did it in such an adorable way, by buying Zola a t-shirt that said 'world's best big sister'.

Meredith left the simulation lab in a panic, her eyes grew wide, and she was perspiring. She was doing well in the skills lab, to the annoyance of the ever-competitive Miranda Bailey. She began to take deep, calming breaths, tension came over her body, and she had to step out for a minute; Miranda followed her.

"Something's wrong. Something's wrong. You're right, I got comfortable and flip and the universe is smacking me down for it. You're right, I'm not immune, I'm not safe," Meredith said in a panic.

"Wait, wait, Grey stop. What is going on?" a concerned Miranda Bailey asked. Dr. Bailey had been Meredith's resident her first year along with George, Izzy, Cristina, and Alex. All of her interns had dealt with more crap than humanly possible. From George getting run over by a bus and Izzy's cancer and the hospital shooter. They weren't supposed to be her babies; they weren't supposed to mean anything to her more than a student-teacher relationship at best. But Miranda Bailey always did have a soft heart, and so she tried her hardest to comfort Meredith Grey.

"There's a flutter, it, it can't be right."

"Oh sweetie. This is not a bad thing."

"What? It's not."

"It's good. It's so good," Miranda took a breath, "your baby's kicking." Relief came over Meredith, everything that she had feared this baby not making it like the others before seemed like an over exaggeration. Finally, something good was happening in her life. Meredith, the dark and twisty woman with all the daddy issues and overly driven mother, was getting what she deserved. Her happy ending, with her happy family, Zola, Derek, Lexie, and her son. Sometimes, waiting can be worth it.

 _1 month earlier_

"Will you marry me?" Jackson's words shocked April. Why on earth was he asking her this? What was he doing?

"Jackson, you don't know what you're saying."

"Yes I do. April I want to marry you."

"Jackson, we haven't even dated. We haven't even gotten through a simple conversation without even arguing since San Francisco and you want to get married? Jackson, you don't have to try to do the noble thing, we're not teenagers, you don't need to prove anything to me." She was trying to be rational.

"April, do you trust me?"

"That's a ridiculous question, of course I do."

"Then why would you question my motives?"

"I don't know. It's just that you left, Jackson you left. Why?" She asked the hard-hitting question, the elephant in the room, so to speak. Why did Jackson Avery always leave when things got tough? Although she had never had a serious boyfriend, he had never had a serious girlfriend. He was an attractive man; he could have gotten any girl he wanted. But April knew there was something underneath that was holding him back, holding him back from truly being himself with another person. Jackson Avery may be beautiful on the outside, but a storm was raging within him, fear flowed through his veins, he was scared of losing someone again. Scared of attachment. He couldn't fathom the idea of being rejected again, and so here, pouring his heart out to April Kepner was the hardest thing he could ever do, and somehow April knew this.

"April, why does that matter now."

"Jackson, I love you. I want to be with you. But I also want to know that I can trust all of you, I need to know you. If we get married, your pain is my pain. Your struggles are mine. Your hurt is my hurt. Let me help you," she held his face in her hands and stared into his sea green eyes. He could see that she only loved him; she truly loved him. This wasn't a friend asking to help, like she had done to console him with his nightmares after Reed and Charles' deaths. This was a woman who saw his vulnerability and didn't run, this was a woman who had her own demons to fight, and here she was willing to put those aside and work on his. There hadn't been any doubt before, but now he was certain without a shadow of a doubt that this was the woman he wanted to marry. He was looking into the eyes of his wife. No woman would ever look at him the way April Kepner did, with such concern and honesty. She looked through him, past the Avery name, past the handsome façade, and into his soul. In a way he envied her relationship with God and the supernatural, her ability to feel and know about things that she couldn't see or feel.

"It's really difficult for me to talk about," he coughed, "But when I was eight years old my father left my mother and me. I haven't heard from him since." April listened intently to what he was saying. "April, I didn't mean to hurt you by leaving you. I just thought that because it was such an important day, that it wasn't fair for me to stay and confuse you. I knew I couldn't be the man to give you what you deserved."

"And what do I deserve?"

"The world." Her eyes grew wide as she looked at him, she had never thought of herself as more than ordinary, and here was this incredibly gorgeous man, inside and out, telling her the things she was too scared to think of herself. "You deserve a man who loves you. A man who would stop the world for you. Someone who holds the car door open, someone who washes your underwear, someone who cooks your favorite meal, someone who shows you every single day that he loves you. Someone who knows that he's lucky, that everyday he should be counting his blessings because he gets the opportunity to wake up to you."

"Jackson," her breathy voice began.

"I've never seen that man. My father left, April," he started to cry slightly, "What kind of a person would I be if I made you fall in love with me and then I couldn't be everything you needed. So I left. I thought it would have been easier. But April, there is not a day that went by those whole two months where I didn't think of you. Where I didn't think about calling you or hopping on a plane to Seattle and telling you how I felt. And when I saw you with Matthew."

"Wait you saw me with Matthew?"

"Yes. I was coming into Joe's and I saw you two. And April, I loved you so much that I decided to let you go. You deserved to be happy, so I bowed out of the race. It is my biggest regret."

"Jackson, stop beating yourself up. I understand."

"April, can you ever forgive me?"

"Please don't leave me again."

"I would never."

"Then yes. Yes I will marry you. I love you Jackson Avery. I always have and I always will." He was absolutely elated.

"Me and you."

"Me and you." She smiled as she kissed his lips.

They decided to get married that day, and as soon as their shifts ended they drove to Lake Tahoe since it was only a thirteen hour drive from Seattle and April had always wanted an outdoor wedding with butterflies and mints that said 'mint to be'. She and Jackson decided not to tell anyone, not even their parents, they were going to elope and they didn't want anyone's doubts to affect their decision. She loved him and he loved her, and if they could stay in this marriage together then they would be fine.

Jackson had been very accommodating and agreed to be married by a minister, although he didn't have any religious views of his own. While he was finding a minister, April found a white dress to wear, her belly wasn't showing too badly yet, so it was relatively easy to find something. When she walked down the makeshift aisle, Jackson's jaw dropped. She looked gorgeous. He had to pinch himself. Just a few short weeks ago he was alone in his apartment in New Orleans thinking about her, drowning himself in his work to try to avoid thinking about everything he could have lost. And now here she was, walking down the aisle, in a few minutes she would become his wife, and in a few short months he would be a father.

"Do you, Jackson Roger Avery take April Noël Kepner to be your lawfully wedded wife," the minister asked.

"I do," he slide the simple ring with one large ring onto her finger. He had kept the ring in his pocket ever since he decided to come back to Seattle; somehow he knew that he would need it.

"And do you, April Noël Kepner, take Jackson Roger Avery to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

"I do."

"By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now kiss the bride." Jackson grabbed April, gently, and kissed her. He finally could kiss his wife. He could call her his wife. It was the most surreal feeling in the world.

 _Present day_

Catherine Avery was still shocked to hear that her son had gotten married, without even telling her. First he gets April pregnant, with twins nonetheless, and now he went off and married her. Catherine wasn't mad that he had married April, April was a good girl; the type of woman she had always wanted her son to end up with. But she was angry at the secrecy. In a way, it felt like her son was slipping away from her, and she didn't want to lose him.

"Mom, I'm sorry we didn't tell you. We just wanted to keep this to ourselves."

"I know, baby. It's just a lot to take in. April, sweetheart, how'd your parents take it?" Catherine asked April.

"No better than you, they were not happy. I guess I can say they were fairly shocked, but happy that I actually knew my children's father."

"Wow. Well, I guess this meeting is over then."

"I guess it is. Thank you mom. We'll see you for dinner tonight?"

"Yes."

"Goodbye Dr. Avery," April said as she left the room, leaving Jackson to say good-bye to his mother.

"Don't you dare leave her, that girl does not deserve it. You've committed yourself to her Jackson Avery, and I'm not sure you're ready to be someone's husband yet."

"It's a little too late for that. April is my wife and I am her husband, and I'm going to be a father. It's time I grow up. I can't be your baby boy forever."

"I know that Jackson, I'm just afraid that you're getting yourself into a situation that you don't know anything about. You're going into this blind. And you actually love her, your father and I never loved each other. You will never be the same if it doesn't work."

"Maybe I don't want to be the same. April has changed me mom, she's everything to me. She is like coming up for fresh air. And if I lose her, then I deserve to feel that pain." And with that he left his mother standing in the conference room. April was his wife. Whether he was completely ready to be her husband was to be determined, but like most things in his life, Jackson Avery was going to take this one step at a time.

 _One month later_

"Jackson," April called from the bathroom of their apartment, while he was just about to leave, "My appointment's at 1:00, can you make it?"

"I wouldn't miss it for the world."

April sat on the exam table, belly bare to the world, Jackson had texted her that he'd be a bit late. To her surprise Arizona Robbins came in.

"Robbins? I thought Dr. Keller was my doctor?"

"Yes, but I'm studying fetal surgery under her, and she said it would be a good idea to do some ultra sounds. If you're uncomfortable, I can certainly go get Dr. Keller."

"No, no it's fine! We're friends, you're going to be one of the God mother's so you should see them." Arizona was completely touched; she and April had grown so close to one another in the past few months. She was one of the few people she could talk to about her injury without feeling guilty, and even so she hated to unload on April while she was pregnant with twins. "But please don't tell me the sex, Jackson and I want it to be a surprise."

"Okay. Well let's get started," she put the ultra sound probe on April's abdomen, "Baby A looks great, getting big. And okay, here's baby B. Aww how cute, he looks like a little Buddha."

"Yeah, he does. Doesn't he? He was like that last time." April was happy talking about her son. "Wait he. You said he?"

"Eh no I didn't?"

"Yes you did! Arizona!"

"Oh no! No, I'm so sorry! But did you say last time he looked like this?" Before April could even answer the question Jackson came into the room, kissed her forehead, and asked if there was anything new.

"Nope, they're still the same. And Baby B still looks like Buddha."

"Must be the quiet twin. Well I better get going, I have a patient, text me the pictures?"

"Will do," she smiled at her husband.

"April, I want to look at your ultra sound more closely."

"Robbins, I'd love to. But I have patients to get to. You still owe me for spoiling baby B's sex!" Kepner joked as she put her scrub top back on and headed back down to the pit.

Dr. Robbins tried to get the images out of her mind of April Kepner's ultra sound.

"Dr. Keller, can you look at this?"

"Sure Robbins, what is it?"

"A patient's ultra sound, what do you think is showing?"

"Well you tell me?"

"The second baby looks to have osteogenesis imperfecta, a genetic defect that leads to brittle bones. This looks to be type two or three. Is there anything we can do?"

"Robbins, is this a friend of yours?"

"Yes."

"Tell her I'm very sorry. But in most cases this is fatal. The baby will likely live a very short and painful life. But it looks so cute, like a little Buddha." Jackson Avery had just gotten off the elevator and heard the entire thing.

"Arizona, what was that about?" The fear was screaming from his eyes and Arizona froze in her tracks. How could she tell Jackson? How could she have been too afraid to tell April? She didn't want to burst their happy, newlywed bubble.

"Jackson, Baby B may have osteogenesis imperfecta, likely type two or three. But I can't know for sure until I run some tests."

"Does April know?"

"No."

"Oh my God," he covered his hands with his mouth. How on earth was he going to tell his wife that their baby was going to die? She would break into a million pieces. "Thank you, I'll tell her." He managed to say. The twenty minutes it took him to find his wife, felt like the longest in the world. And when he finally did find her, he saw her bubbly smile and bouncy red curls, she seemed so happy. He watched her for a minute; he wanted to watch that happiness, just for a little while longer.

"April," he slowly started. She knew. She knew what he was going to tell her wasn't good, and she didn't want to hear it.

"No. Jackson, don't say it."

"There's something wrong with Baby B. April, I'm so sorry." She didn't even look at him, she ran out of the supply closet that he had pulled her into.

"I have to get back to work." And with that, April kept on with her day, she was a solider, she could get through this storm. But Jackson had been left behind, she was so afraid of him losing her, that he never thought of what would happen if she left him. And he punched the wall in frustration. He was helpless. The feeling was maddening.


	7. Chapter 7

_We are whom we are because of what happened to us, not our genetics, not the neurotransmitters in our brains, not even the track chosen for us by the big man in the sky, but by the amount of love we were shown and that we exuded from our psyches. That is who we are. Nothing more, nothing less. We are all here, we will be whatever we want, we will accomplish whatever we desire, no dream is too big and no hope is too small. And when it is all said and done, when every accomplishment we could have made, has been made, when every soul we could have effected has been touched and loved and warned, we can't control time. We are powerless to this all powerful universe and when we die, if our contributions don't warrant the history books or even the memories of our loved ones, we will cease to ever have existed._

Derek Christopher Shepherd had been the top neurosurgeon on the east coast for years; he had everything anyone could ever want. He had his wife, Addison Montgomery Shepherd a neonatal surgeon, friends, the career, everything, but Derek's life felt empty. The day he came home and saw his wife in bed with his best friend, Mark Sloan, had been the day where things became clear. The next day he drove to Seattle and met Meredith Grey. He told her he was 'just a guy in a bar'. He had no story, she knew nothing about him, and that freedom, the freedom from his past and all the strings that came from it, was liberating. They say when you meet the love of your life, it will be clear; he thought he had known with Addison. But when he met Meredith Grey, when he saw her sitting at Joe's, it was like the clouds had parted and he found the woman he belonged with. Derek had never believed in soul mates, fate, love at first sight, he was a man of reason. He believed love was something that took time to grow and it needed to be nurtured. But when it happened to you, when love at first sight happens to you, your life suddenly becomes infinitely clearer. That day his life changed, and Derek could not imagine his life without Meredith Grey, not ever again.

Derek Shepherd loved being a neurosurgeon, he loved the high he got when he stepped into an O.R. and said, "It's a beautiful day to save lives." Some people become doctors because they're competitive, they like being the best. Or they're a bit narcissistic or they want to make a lot of money. Derek became a doctor because he wanted to save lives, not naively, but genuinely. When he was eleven years old, two men came into his fathers store and shot him for his watch. He's seen destruction. He isn't prideful or greedy; he is pure in his intentions. And so, when he steps into his O.R. he feels privileged to be there, because here he is, just a man, holding someone's entire being in his hands. That humbles a person.

Their brains are everything. Someone's gallbladder can be replaced, if you make a wrong cut on a kidney it can be fixed, but the brain is a much more delicate organ. One wrong move, and a person could be blind, lose their ability to speak, lose every single facet of their personality. To be a neurosurgeon to focus, precision, dedication, but it also took humility. Derek never took it for granted, he always wanted to save lives, not use the saving of lives to fluff his ego. Most people get to experience holding a person, like when they're in a deep hug or cuddling their lover on the other side of the bed, but so few have actually held that person's entire life in their hands like he does. Did. It had been two months since Derek had been in the O.R., although Callie had given him the okay to operate. He used to be a world-class neurosurgeon, any tumor he could take out, any aneurysm he could clip, and craniotomies were like walks in the park. Now, he didn't trust himself. Not enough to hold someone else's life in the palm of his hands and at the will of his scalpel.

The feeling of pure energy surged over him when he stepped into an O.R. To whoever was lying down on that operating table, he was their hero. For most people it would have been an ego trip, but Derek Shepherd felt blessed to be there. He craved the clean smell of the O.R., the rushing energy of when a surgery didn't go perfectly, or the calm energy of when it did. He needed to get back there.

"Derek, come on. Zola's going to be late!" Meredith yelled.

"Yeah, I'm coming. Okay Zola let's go," he had just finished doing her hair.

"Are you ready for today?" Meredith asked him.

"As ready as I'll ever be," he kissed her cheek as he opened the car door for her, after he strapped Zola into her car seat in the back.

"You're the best neurosurgeon on the west coast, you are Derek Christopher Shepherd. Do not let doubt creep in. You will do fine." Meredith knew her husband, sometimes better than he knew himself. Derek took his patient's too personally, but that's what made him a great surgeon. When someone looks at the operating table and sees only the organs that are laid out in front of them, they become a machine, and machines have no desire to fix someone. They'll fix the broken part, they'll set the bone or clip an aneurysm, but they don't care about fixing the person lying on their table. Their families waiting in anticipation, their mother's crying or their husband's pacing, they don't matter. The only thing that matters is fixing the immediate problem. Surgeons who work like that, the cold-hearted, narcissistic surgeons are scared to take risks; they're scared to truly save lives. So they constantly play it safe. Not Derek. No. When he doesn't win, when he doesn't save his patients it eats him up inside, because he's human. Not a robot. A man.

"Ready for today," a very energetic Mark Sloan asked Derek. He and Lexie had been married for a few months now, and she had recently told him that if she couldn't be a surgeon then she wanted to start a family. She was planning on teaching or doing research, she was lexipedia after all, but the words "I want to start a family with you, someday" were music to his ears. Torres had assured him that 'littlegrey' would be back operating in no time, as long as she kept to her physical therapy. But right now, Mark had to make sure his best friend made it back into the O.R.

"Yes. It's just clipping an aneurysm. I could do it in my sleep."

"That you could. Good luck." Jackson Avery came into the hospital, and Mark shouted, "Avery! Avery! I need to talk to you." Derek just grinned; Mark had been obsessed with Jackson Avery ever since he had come to Seattle Grace. Avery had the 'sparkle' that Mark desired in his pupils. He was good looking, but also talented and sincere. He understood that plastics was not just boob jobs and nose jobs, but it was the opportunity to give people their confidence and therefore lives back.

"Dr. Sloan. I really can't talk right now, I have to find April." April had not come home the night before, Hunt told Jackson that she took an extra shift in the pit and that he would keep an eye on her. Jackson had begged Hunt to not let her work, but because he couldn't explain why Hunt couldn't. April would have fought too much and Jackson wanted to keep her happy because he knew that today they would have to talk about their baby. April was good at denial, she denied her feelings for Jackson, she denied that being a virgin until her late twenties made her feel ashamed, she denied that she was ever apprehensive of being chief resident, but she could not deny this.

"Avery, we have a patient. First one, come on plastics posse is back!"

"Mark," his tone was stern and it made Mark step back a bit, "I have to find April. Now."

"I understand. I'll see you in pre-op." The look on Jackson's face told him everything; it was the exact look he had on his when he waited for Lexie to wake up. This was life or death. Mark could only help but feel broken for his former student turned fellow. This was something Mark couldn't give him any advice on, he couldn't tell him how to make it okay. If they were in surgery it would have been simple. He would have instructed him to make a cut there, or that this was the better size, or whatnot, but this was not surgery, this was life. And solutions to problems were never black and white.

April Kepner had spent the night in the E.R. working helped her forget about what Jackson had told her about her baby. She kept reminding herself that she hadn't gotten the genetic tests results in yet; it could still be type III. She prayed to God that her baby would be okay, but she knew that he wouldn't be. April Kepner was a woman of faith, but she was also a woman of reason, the baby never kicked, she knew there was something wrong and she just kept denying it.

"Kepner, I need a consult in bed three," Meredith Grey said.

"Sure, I'll be right on it."

"Did you and Jackson find out the sex yesterday? It was your 20 week ultra sound right?" She was trying to be pleasant; Meredith had grown to care about April. When she first met the redhead with the red notebook Meredith had found her to be annoying. However, once April moved into her home, opened up to her, and showed her true self, Meredith began to like April and considered her to be a friend. And as her friend, Meredith watched her carefully to make sure that she was doing okay with the pregnancy. Everything in April's world had completely turned upside down, six months ago she was a virgin, a resident and now she was married, pregnant, and an attending surgeon.

"No, we're waiting," April coldly responded.

"April? Are you okay?" Meredith looked deep into her eyes; April's face was blank almost devoid of color. But before she could even think, April started crying.

"Meredith, I don't know what to do." She sobbed.

"April. What is it?" She was holding April tightly now. They were in a trauma room, so no they would have some sense of privacy, but the blinds were not completely pulled and a concerned Jackson Avery could see his wife being held by her friend.

"My baby's going to die. He's going to die," she was hyperventilating.

"April, what are you talking about? April, calm down, you need to breathe."

"He wasn't kicking, I knew he wasn't kicking. I knew something was wrong."

"April, you're not making sense."

"Meredith. My baby is going to die. My baby is going to die." She said no more, but sobbed uncontrollably. It broke Jackson's heart to see his wife so vulnerable and so afraid of what she couldn't do. She couldn't protect their baby. But it hurt him to know that she found comfort in the arms of Meredith Grey, rather than her husband. If Mark Sloan weren't paging him, he would have burst into that room and took his wife in his arms and comforted him, himself. However, he wanted to give her a little more time. She would come to him when she was ready; he just had to be patient and wait.

Jackson had just finished his consult on a breast augmentation, they weren't his favorite surgeries; he much preferred to work on patients with burns rather than cosmetic procedures. But, Mark taught him that it wasn't cosmetic, it was confidence boosting.

"Did you ever find April?"

"Yeah, but she was busy talking to Mer and I figured she needed her space."

"Damn Avery what did you do? You've been married for two months, come on Lexie will be so mad if we can't double date anymore."

"I didn't do anything," he hung his head shamefully, "I can't do anything. I can't make it better; I can't take away her pain. Have you ever felt completely helpless?"

"More than you know. Holding Lexie's hand in that hospital room waiting for her to wake up. The fear that she wouldn't ate me away inside, but the fear that she would wake up and wouldn't be the same was almost worse," he put a hand on Avery's shoulder, "But she did wake up and she did come back to me. Just hold on to hope Avery."

"This isn't something I can pray away or hope to go away. It's reality Mark." He was getting frustrated. He hadn't talked to anyone yet about the baby, he had tried to talk to April, but other than punching the wall he hadn't vented his fears or his frustrations.

"Jackson, you can talk to me. What is it? What is so bad?"

"Our baby has osteogenesis imperfecta, likely type two. Its bones are breaking in utero and April is refusing to talk to me about it."

"Oh, I see. You just have to give her time. She'll come around Jackson, I know she will."

"But what do I do? I can't help her. I can't ease her pain."

"No you can't. But you be there for her. She'll come to you, she'll need you. Be there for her. You have one healthy baby right?"

"Yeah."

"Hold on to that. You have to be there for April and your other baby. Losing this one will be the hardest thing you'll ever have to go through, but you still have another child to love and care for. Don't abandon them, don't abandon April. Be the man, I know you are, the man I have taught you to be." Mark hugged Jackson; he had been more of a father to him than his biological father. Finally someone had listened to him, finally someone believed in him.

Derek had just finished his first surgery back and it had gone swimmingly, he felt incredibly proud of himself and went to find his wife. He noticed her comforting April Kepner, which he thought was slightly odd. He knew she and April had grown closer, but not this close. April was a pleasant woman, although the crush she had had on him when he was Chief made him slightly uncomfortable. April got up leaving Meredith alone in the trauma room.

"Meredith, what was that about?"

"One of her twins is going to die. She didn't say anything more."

"Oh my God. Does Jackson know?"

"He's the one who told her. I don't know how she's going to get through this, I don't know how anyone could. I can't even imagine losing this baby, Derek the thought petrifies me. Or just thinking about if we didn't get Zola back. Derek," she was talking quickly.

"Meredith, we're finally happy. Nothing is going to happen to this baby or Zola."

"Derek, please promise me if anything happens to me that you save this baby. You let him live. He deserves a chance to live." Derek was taken back by his wife's words, why on earth was she thinking so morbidly? "Derek, answer me."

"Whatever you want. Meredith, I promise you."

April had been working in the ER all day, when three victims from a car crash came in. It was a mom and her two kids, and the mom drove off the road purposefully. April was enraged at the thought. She had two babies inside of her, two lives that she would take bullets for, and one of them was dying. Any woman who would even fathom killing their child did not deserve to be called a woman. But April was a doctor; she swore to do no harm, to help any patient regardless of race, creed, or crime. She didn't like it, but she still had to save this life, and maybe if she did she could ask the woman why. She could look her in the eye and tell her that her baby was dying and that she had two healthy, beautiful, wonderful children and she was throwing their lives away. And so she swallowed her pride and worked.

Jackson finally found April when she had finished operating on the mother. He could tell that she was angry, and was using that anger to cover up her fear and sadness.

"God, Jackson. Having to work on that woman, made me sick to my stomach."

"April, she had a tumor. She did not do this purposefully," he kindly told her. And with that, something inside of April snapped. Her whole life she believed in God, she believed that there was a reason for why things turned out the way they did. It was all a part of a larger plan. But this, it didn't make sense. She was a good person. She saved lives. She prayed, went to church every week, she did everything right. It just didn't make sense. Why would God punish her and like this? Why would God take her child away from her, her son?

"Why. Why would that happen? Why would God give her kids, give her a family? Why would God let that happen?" April exasperatedly asked as she exited the E.R. and was standing in the ambulance's bay. "I don't understand it, you can do everything right and it doesn't even," she took a breath, "Why?"

"I don't know. I don't know." He didn't know what to say to his wife to make it better, he just knew that he had to be there for her. Listen. He had to be the man his father never could be, he had to stay. It would take all of his strength to hold himself together, but he had to do it for his wife and their other child.

"I. I just don't want you to hold me, because if you hold me I'll start to cry and I don't want to start crying. Cause if I start crying I will not be able to stop. I will never be able to stop."

"Okay," the melancholy in his tender voice comforted her slightly.

"Okay," she breathed.

"Whatever you need. I'm here."

"Did I tell you that it's a boy," tears welled from her eyes. "We're having a boy." His eyes grew wide, filled with pain as he looked at his wife's crying face. And in that instant Jackson grabbed his wife and held her tightly.


	8. Chapter 8

**Hi guys, thank you everyone for commenting and following this story it means so much to me! Please note some scenes are pretty much the same; because of their significance to the plot, I do not own any of Shonda Rhime's characters/og content. I have a couple more chapters planned in my head, but then I'll be taking a two-week break because I have vacation. So, I'll try to get those out by the end of the week. Hope you guys enjoy! –R. Also shout out to Patsy, your reviews constantly make me smile! THANK YOU!**

 _ **Did you say it? I love you. I don't ever want to live without you. You changed my life. Did you say it? Make a plan. Set a goal. Work towards it. But every now and then look around, drink it in cause this is it. It might all be gone tomorrow.**_

Alexander Karev had been seeing the intern Jo Wilson for two months now, and at first it had been just sex, but now he was developing feelings for her. He hadn't really opened his heart up since Izzy, and doing so scared the living daylights out of him. She was young, she wasn't ready for marriage, kids, the works, but he couldn't help but imagine the life she and him would have. In a way it made him giddy. And Alex was not the type of person to be sappy about anything. He did feel jealous when he learned of Sloan getting married, then Avery soon after, he was the last one of his friends to not be married. But there was one benefit to not being married; he didn't have to worry about someone leaving him, not again. They say the coldest people once cared too much, and nothing could be more true.

"Kepner, what are you doing. Your shift was over hours ago?" He asked April. She had been avoiding him the past couple weeks, not to his surprise. She and him were never the best of friends, more so friends out of convenience and because he liked the fact that she cooked. That fact was never lost on her though. She knew he found her shrill and annoying and he was the last person she wanted to confide in, but he was there for her when she found out and he held her, told her everything was going to be okay.

"I need to keep working, if I stop working then I'll start thinking about it. And if I start thinking about it, I don't know if I will ever be able to stop," she started hyperventilating. Jackson had told Alex that there was a problem with one of the twins and to be mindful when talking to April. Jackson had warned basically the entire hospital staff to not mention the pregnancy for fear of April having a nervous breakdown. He just wanted to spare her from any more pain than she would have to endure.

"I don't know what to tell you, April, I wish I did. I wish I had the answers, but I don't. But you can't just not think about it and expect everything to be okay. You're a surgeon, you can't wish a nicked artery to not be nicked, and you have no choice but to fix the problem." He was harsh with his words, but his delivery was gentle. Alex Karev was a softhearted man, underneath the 'dirty uncle Sal' exterior.

"My baby is going to die," the words felt foreign coming out of her mouth, "I'm a doctor. A freaking trauma surgeon, and I can't face this trauma. I don't know how to talk to Jackson; he just looks at me with pity. Like I'm this fragile little doll that's going to break at any second. I don't know what's worse, the fact that my baby is going to die or the fact that people are whispering about how I'm going to handle it."

"Your son is going to die April. I'm sorry. That's all I got for you," he stroked her back, they were sitting on a gurney like they always did eating their lunch. The two of them had grown much closer since Jackson left. In some ways Alex treated her like a little sister, always wanting to make sure that she was okay, and that nothing bad would happen to her. To make sure she was safe.

"You're always so blunt," she wiped the tears from her face.

"April, you have to talk to Arizona and Dr. Keller, they know what they're doing. You have options."

"I'm not terminating. Don't you dare suggest that I terminate."

"That's not what I'm saying. But April, you and I both know that your son is in pain. You need to face that."

"I know," she whispered. She looked down at her belly and rubbed it slowly.

Jackson and April had decided to meet with Arizona and Dr. Keller to get their official genetic tests for Baby B, their son. It had been a hard decision, but since her talk with Alex, April felt more confident in her choice. If not for her peace of mind, but for the safety of her son. This is what a mother does; she makes choices that are not in her best interest, but in the best interest of her child. She didn't want the amnio, she didn't want the genetic testing, and it felt like an invasion of her faith. It didn't matter what sort of disease her child had, she would love them and raise them and treat them just the same. But she never had really considered that her baby would be in pain.

"April, Jackson, it's good to see you. I wish it were on better circumstances," Dr. Keller began. Arizona was also in the room, as a fetal surgeon fellow and April's friend she was there for both moral support and to learn.

"Thank you. Were the tests results conclusive?" Jackson asked, he held his wife's hand as her other rested on her belly. These were her final few moments of sanity.

"Yes. Unfortunately the tests came back and your son does have type two."

"And Baby A? What about baby A?" April asked, slightly panicked that her other child wouldn't be safe.

"The twins are fraternal, so no baby A does not have osteogenesis imperfecta. She's perfectly healthy."

"She?" April gasped.

"We're having a boy and a girl," Jackson smiled to her.

"But my son, what about my son. If he has type two what does that mean?"

"With type two we're typically looking at low birth weight, underdeveloped lungs, swallowing problems, respiratory problems. If carried to term type two babies usually die within hours, sometimes days. Your baby is also at high risk for intrauterine fractures," Dr. Keller said the symptoms methodically, almost like a robot.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Did you say intrauterine?" a panicked April asked, as she rubbed her belly once more.

"Yes."

"My baby's bones are breaking inside of my belly? The place he's supposed to be safe, his bones are breaking?" Jackson tried to comfort her, he tried to put his hand out for his wife to grab to show her that she wasn't alone, but she continued, "Can he feel it? His bones breaking?"

Dr. Keller gave a solemn nod, "Yes."

"He can feel it right? So he's in pain?" What April had feared the most had come true, her son was in pain. She was his mother; she was supposed to protect him from pain. She was supposed to keep him safe. And here she was failing.

Jackson and her were given a moment to himself to process the news, and Jackson just held his wife as tightly as he could. He would not let go; he would never let her go. He had called his mother a few days ago to inform her about the diagnosis of their son, and she got on the first flight she could to come and be with him and April. A mother is always there for her son.

Catherine paced slowly as she saw her son comforting April through the window on the door. Her heart broke as a mother because she knew that she couldn't protect him. She kicked herself inside knowing that her son would have to go through the most unimaginable pain of his life, even worse than when his father left. He didn't deserve this. No one deserved this. Especially not sweet, innocent April Kepner, God help her.

"There's no way. No way. I need to do it. I believe that I should do it," April's voice was shaky as she sat across from Catherine and Jackson held onto her shoulders.

"Shh," Catherine began, "Now here's what we do. You will choose a day, soon. Set it aside and arrange to be induced and you give birth to your beautiful little boy and you give him a name and have him baptized right then and there. And you're gonna get to hold that baby and you'll pray for him and sing to him. And you're going to look at him and memorize every little detail of his face and you will that as long as he lives. You will do that until God takes him. That's how you will do this."

"We can do that," Jackson whispered to his wife.

"Will you do that for me?"

"Of course I would do that for you," he answered quickly and assuredly.

"I'll just, I'll just hold him, until God takes him."

"That sounds lovely."

"Maybe God won't take him," April pleaded; Jackson gave his mother a look of despair. He admired April's hope, but not now, "I'll just pray for a miracle."

"But what about our daughter, what will happen to her?" Jackson asked.

"Do we risk losing our daughter to stop our son's pain?" The thought hadn't crossed April's mind, she knew she was carrying twins, but her focus was on her son. She couldn't risk losing them both.

"April, you're 30 weeks now, your daughter will be okay. You can give birth to her too. Let them be siblings just for a little bit," Catherine, told her.

"Okay," April breathed slowly.

Meredith's pregnancy had been going relatively well, except for the added stress of being a first year general surgeon fellow and balancing Zola's preschool schedule, things were fairly normal. Each check up went as planned, and at 37 weeks pregnant Meredith was ready to pop. She headed up to the attending's lounge where her best friend, Cristina Yang had decided to throw her a surprise baby shower.

It wasn't like Cristina Yang to get all sappy over babies, sure she ooed and aahed at Zola and Sofia, but she was not the type of woman who would have children of her own. It was what broke her and Owen. She had an abortion and he wanted to keep the baby. The argument still rings in her head, "You killed our baby!" He yelled, while the entire hospital staff was in the other room. He acted as if Cristina was this monster, incapable of loving another human being. And how dare he throw that in her face when he knew very well her reasoning for not wanting children, she had told him that she would love her child, but she would love surgery more and that would knaw away at her until there was nothing left. She didn't hate children like everyone thought she did, she simply didn't want them.

"Surprise," they all shouted.

"What is this?" Meredith asked as her husband Derek came up behind her and gave her a kiss on the cheek. He had Zola on his hip, he had just had Dr. Bailey explain to him how to do her hair, and Meredith was quite impressed. He was a surgeon after all so she had no doubts about his dexterity, but hair was difficult to master, she grinned at the sight of her daughter bonding with her father.

"It's your baby shower," Cristina exclaimed, slightly annoyed that Meredith would ask the question.

"Wow. Thank you! Everyone, thank you for coming, this is all so generous of you." Meredith eyed Cristina, clearly wanting to talk with her privately.

"Cristina, you are my person and I tell you everything. You're the person who if I killed someone I'd call you to come help me get the body. You know that right?"

"Yes," Cristina said longly, "What are you getting at?"

"The baby shower."

"Is something wrong? Is this not what friends are supposed to do?"

"No, no it is what friends are supposed to do. But Cristina, everyone is in there. Mark, Lexie, Callie, Arizona, Amelia, Owen, everyone is in there. And no one is with April. I can't be celebrating my baby while she's going to be picking out coffins for hers."

"Meredith, you don't know that. We don't have all the facts."

"Yes we do. I saw Catherine come into town and there are no surgeries she's needed for. She came her for her son and April. Plus, I talked to April and it doesn't look good. This just feels like I'm gloating."

"Meredith, I was going to have a joint baby shower for the two of you, Hell you even joked about being 'belly buddies' the first few weeks, but I didn't want to upset Kepner given the circumstances. Kepner's a big girl; she knows you're not gloating about having a healthy baby while hers has complications. She's a doctor, she knows reason."

"Cristina, you've lost a pregnancy, please tell me you can have some sympathy for her. She's our friend."

"Meredith," Cristina was getting frustrated, "I do have sympathy for her. But what I lost was a pile of cells, not a baby. It didn't have hands or feet or brainwaves. So, no I do not know how she's feeling. Can we please just go back inside and enjoy your shower?"

"Fine," Meredith scoffed.

Amelia Shepherd had come to Seattle Grace Mercy West a few months ago to replace Dr. Nelson. She was Derek's younger sister and so had to fight her way to maintaining her own reputation. Not that she needed to fight that hard, she was a damn good surgeon, one that rivaled Derek who was the best on the West Coast. However, when she slipped out of the baby shower Derek followed her to the chapel where he saw her light a candle and sit in the pew.

Their family had never been one to be active participants in religion; Derek thought God wasn't real after he saw his father get murdered. After he became a surgeon his feelings changed. But he never knew his sister to be a woman of faith or prayer, granted there was a lot he didn't know about her. When she was a teenager she had gotten into drugs, oxytocin to be exact. She went completely off the rails, until they found her on the side of the highway. She had overdosed, passed out at the steering wheel and flipped her car, killing her boyfriend at the time. She was only seventeen, but they immediately put her into rehab. Derek was proud, to say the least, of his little sister's recovery, but the way she sat in the pew right now, made Derek apprehensive about what had been going on while she worked with Addison in L.A.

"Amelia, what are you doing in here?" He asked as he took a seat next to her. She continued to stare intently at the candles.

"I relapsed in L.A."

"What? Why didn't you tell me this?"

"I was embarrassed. Ashamed. I'm surprised Addison didn't tell you; she staged this whole intervention for my boyfriend and me. It was terrible. Never in my life have I ever felt so pitied," she began to ramble.

"Amelia, what happened? What are you trying to tell me?" He had a way of being charming, but Amelia knew her only brother was just trying to protect her. She looked at his face; it was full of concern, but not pity. If she told him he would never look at her the same.

"I was dating a man named Ryan, he and I were both taking oxy pretty heavily. I woke up one morning after overdosing and he didn't."

"Oh Amelia, I'm so sorry," he leaned in to grab her.

"There's more."

"More?"

"Yes. I was pregnant. I had a son. But he was born with anencephaly. He lived for forty-three minutes. He donated his organs too," she said like a proud mother.

"Your baby was born without a brain? Amelia why didn't you say anything."

"I don't know. It was just too painful, I wanted to forget. But hearing about April around the hospital, God my heart aches for her. Derek you can't even imagine holding your baby, knowing that you will only have minutes with him."

"You should talk to April, maybe you could help her through this?"

"Yeah, and say what? 'Hi April, my baby died too let's be friends'," she sarcastically quipped back.

"No, not like that. But you can be there for April," he put his hand on his sister's knee, "Like I would have been there for you if you needed it. I am still here for you if you need it."

"I know."

April Kepner was packing her stuff for the day, when Amelia Shepherd walked into the attending's lounge.

"April, can we talk?"

"I've had a really rough day Amelia, I'd rather not."

"Did I ever tell you about my time in L.A.?" April was confused, but she was a polite person so she decided to entertain Amelia's conversation. Jackson could wait five more minutes in the car.

"No, no I don't think you have."

"Okay, April please sit down," she gestured to the bench, "When I was in L.A. I had a baby."

"Had?"

"I had a son. He had anencephaly, so he was born without a brain. I had found out at my 20 -week ultra sounds. He developed normally, so no one knew except for me that when I gave birth I would not have a baby to take home. He lived for forty-three minutes, and I held him and I sang to him and he was the light of my life. Before he passed he donated all of his organs. Letting him go was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, it almost broke me. I almost started using again." April was listening intently.

"Why are you telling me this?"

"Because, April. You don't deserve to go through this alone. You don't have to be a martyr. You will have your baby and you will hold him and be with him and it will be magic. I just wanted you to know that I know what it's like, to lose a child, and if you need anyone to talk to I'm here."

"What was it like going home? You know, without him?"

"It was the hardest thing I think I've ever had to do. And it will be for you too, but you have Jackson to come home to and you'll have your daughter." April thought of the nursery she and Jackson had put together. He had surprised her one weekend, while her mom was visiting, with a completely redone nursery. It had two cribs, two bassinets, and two changing tables, two of everything when she knew she would only need one. The thought sent shivers down her spine.

"Did you name him," April chocked slightly on her words.

"Yes. His name was Ryan Christopher Shepherd. After his father and uncle."

"That's lovely."

"I named my son Samuel, after the prophet who anointed Saul and David as kings of Israel and his sister's name is Delilah. They're supposed to do everything together. First day of kindergarten, graduate high school, audition for school plays. She's losing her other half. She'll never know him or his face or his personality. God, it's hard enough that I'm losing my son, but it hurts worse knowing that my daughter is losing her brother." April began to cry.

"April, those are lovely names." And Amelia held her tightly. She hated that fact that April had to join the club, the 'dead child's club', as morbid as that sounded.

Cristina Yang was cleaning up after Meredith's surprise baby shower, which was much more of a success than Meredith had originally made it out to be. They decorated onesies, even Mark and Lexie got in on the action. Cristina did have to admit it was nice seeing the two of them happy again, and Lexie back on the surgical floor. One more week until she could operate, with Torres' approval of course.

"What you did was really nice," Owen Hunt said to Cristina. She stared at her ex-husband. His pale skin and soft red hair still made her palms sweat. She loved him. But they couldn't agree on children. They would never work because she couldn't give him what he wanted, and he could not change what he needed. He wanted kids and a family. She could see it in her head; she would have dreams about him playing with their children. It made him so happy, happier than she had ever made him. She couldn't stand the idea of living of life of inadequacy, of always thinking that her partner wasn't truly satisfied in their relationship. So she asked him for a divorce.

"Thank you."

"Cristina, can we talk? We haven't talked in weeks."

"I know. I've, I've just been busy. You know with the plane crash, suing the hospital, Mer and the baby. It just hasn't been a good time."

"When is it ever a good time?" He approached her, she thought he was going to put his hand on hers, but instead he started grabbing some paper plates and threw them in the garbage. She and Owen had maintained their sexual relationship, but that was all it had been, ever since he cheated on her she couldn't look at him the same. Especially since she knew he did it to spite her for having an abortion. A decision she stood by and would always stand by.

"Owen, I can't do this." His body was getting uncomfortable close to hers, it was clearly no longer an accident what he was intending to do. He was now behind her, his six-foot tall frame hovered over her petite body. He smelled her hair, nestled his nose in it. She had found it odd when he asked to wash it that one time, but he had also washed it when she was recovering from the plane crash.

She remembered sitting in the tub, stark naked, with the water up to her knees. She was vulnerable. Owen had taken care of her for some reason. Maybe he felt guilty, maybe he still cared, or maybe it was because there was no one else. They were in the woods for hours and besides having a dislocated shoulder, Cristina suffered no other injuries. However, she had to watch as Derek screamed in pain over his hand. Mark collapse at the thought of Lexie dying. She had to help Meredith find Lexie's arm before animals scavenged for it and it would no longer be attachable. She had to listen to Arizona's panicky scream over seeing her bone. It had been a whirlwind of emotion. She was hungry, she had no water, no medical supplies, and she was stranded in the woods.

Cristina had had PTSD before, after the hospital shooting. Owen had comforted her then too, but then he was her boyfriend, and she married him soon after it happened. She was broken after the shooting. Cristina Yang, the rock, the heartless, cold-blooded surgeon broke. It wasn't until Derek took her on a fishing trip that she felt like herself again. She told herself she would never get back to that point, but she couldn't predict the plane crash. She couldn't predict that shitty things would keep happening to her at "Seattle Grace Mercy Death"

"Owen. Stop." He had put his hands around her waist.

"Cristina, what do you want? I try to talk, you don't want to. I try to have sex with you and you don't want to."

She turned around and faced him; sizing her body up to his as best she could, and calmly responded, "Just because I'm the one who said it was time, doesn't mean this is easier for me. "

"I know."

"This is not easy for me." And with that she left her ex-husband standing in the attending's lounge all-alone.

Lexie Grey was coming back to surgery today she had just met with Callie and it had been approved. She was so excited to be getting back into the O.R., she dreamt about this day for months. She hadn't even considered getting to go back to surgery, given the extent of her injuries. But Callie tried this state of the art method to reattach the nerves, and after months of grueling physical therapy Lexie was back.

"Excited for your second, first day?" Her husband Mark asked as he kissed her. The weather channel was playing in the background; they always watched it in the morning mainly because Lexie wanted to plan what to wear for the day. They weren't paying much attention, but the meteorologist warned about a large storm that was set to hit Seattle, power outages, hydroplaning, and overall disaster like events were expected to happen. But Lexie and Mark heard none of it; they were too infatuated with each other.

"Yes I am. But you know what would make me relax before work?" She joked to him, while eating the omelet he had cooked her.

"Dr. Grey?" He shockingly teased, "I'm an attending and you're a resident. It would be against hospital policy!"

"Dr. Sloan, I really think I could benefit from some private lessons. Plus we will have no interruptions," she was referring to Sofia who was staying at her mothers' apartment across the hall.

"God, how did I get so lucky to get a wife like you?" He grabbed her waist and picked her up. She wrapped her petite legs around his muscular torso and started kissing her husband. Mark went to grab a condom, Lexie wasn't allowed on birth control while she healed.

"No. I want to try." She told him as she lay down on the bed, with her arm in the special pillow Callie had designed for this exact occasion. It couldn't be swung around or hit or have any type of damage done to it, but Callie knew that Lexie needed sex and that Mark would go crazy without it too, so she designed a mesh pillow for Lexie to put her arm in for the healing process.

"You do?"

"Yes. Now let's stop talking and put a baby in me Dr. Sloan."

"It would be my pleasure, Dr. Grey."


	9. Chapter 9

_Hi everyone, thanks so much for reading this story and your kind words about it. There is one more chapter after this one, then the break, and then I'll pick back up again. Please tell me what you think and if you want more to the story. Thank you all!_

 _The storm is coming but I don't mind_

 _People are dying, I close my blinds_

The storm was coming down hard, roads were closed, schools had been shut down, and if it weren't for the backup generator, Seattle Grace Mercy West would have followed suit. The lights had been flickering for on and off, for hours, and it had worried Alex Karev who was at the hospital picking up extra hours in the E.R. and trying to get as much time with Wilson as possible, however, the flickering lights were scaring both staff and patients. As the only level one trauma center that was still accepting patients it was imperative that they stay open, the storm was not over and more patients would certainly be coming. As the new owners: Meredith, Lexie, Derek, Mark, Cristina, Arizona, and the 51% stake Harper Avery foundation had they decided their first priority upon purchasing the hospital was to update the E.R. So, it would have the top of the line equipment, technology, and staff. Jackson proposed the idea to upgrade the E.R. because it was important, but mainly because he knew his wife worked most of her shifts there and he wanted to spoil her. However, April would not be able to enjoy the new and upgraded E.R. because she was no longer working.

April could hardly sleep at night, the thought of tossing or turning and somehow hurting her son more made her panic, so she usually laid in bed with a few pillows supporting her neck, but she never moved. It concerned Jackson how solemnly she would lay with her hands clasped together over her belly while she started intently at the ceiling. Her eyes said nothing, her lips were firmly shut not revealing what she wanted to say or how she was feeling, and she had become a shell of the formerly peppy to an annoying fault, April Kepner. They didn't talk much about their son, every time he attempted to bring the topic up; she shut it down, or spurred irrational thoughts about miracles. It pained him to see her lay there like a dead body in a coffin, about to be lowered into the ground. He wished more than anything to be able to touch her, but he knew it wouldn't matter. So, like every morning for the past three weeks, he left her lying there, he'd kiss her goodbye tell her he loved her, asked if she needed him to stay. But she would always answer no. He knew that they needed to induce her soon; he just didn't want to pressure her as to when.

"She'll come around," he thought to himself. It wasn't as if he was looking forward to having a dead son, but he couldn't help his joy over having a daughter. That's what confused him so much about April, she constantly thought about their son and what he was feeling, but not once about their daughter.

April had stopped working and was ordered to immediate bed rest per her orders, after their meeting with Dr. Keller when she was 30 weeks. She was scared that any movement, even a step would hurt her son and cause his bones to break again and extend his suffering further. Although staying in bed all day allowed her to catch up on her reading or watching those coveted TV episodes she never had the time to get around to. She also had time to think. Leave someone alone with just their thoughts and madness will ensure; it's why solitary confinement is deemed cruel and unusual. People need people. Contrary to what some may try to do or be, people are not solo beings, to be alone goes against all rules of human biology. To handle one's problems alone is not strength, it's cowardice. And try as she might to keep her feelings to herself, eventually her façade was going to crack and everything would come tumbling out, but April Kepner was a solider she was a fighter, not a flyer. She knew she would choose flight, but she kept denying it in her head. But for now, she was holding herself together with tape and glue.

April looked at her burgeoning stomach, she used to love to rub it, speak to it, and sing to it. But now, it felt empty. Why make a child fall in love with her when she was only causing his pain? She was being selfish to not induce. She was naïvely holding out hope for a miracle.

"Samuel," she whispered. She was alone, so now she could let her mind wander to the dangerous place she refused to let it go to while Jackson was around. While anyone was around, actually. She would imagine the life her son was supposed to have, the small facets of his personality. Every detail about him she had memorized and written in a small red notebook that she kept in the top drawer of her nightstand.

 _He has light skin like Jackson, but his hair is a similar texture to mine, but dark like his. He has Jackson's eyes, I can see it the young teenage girls swooning over him, and Jackson teasing him over it. He's a calm baby, the sound of my singing tends to soothe him, and his favorite is 'you are my sunshine'. He and his sister get along well, but no one really calls them 'the twins' they have their separate interests and their personalities are completely different. He's much quieter, reserved, he keeps to himself, but he loves diving into books and the fantastical. He and I will watch Lord of the Rings and I his fifth birthday party will be Harry Potter themed. We take family vacations every year, and as a surprise we decided to go to New Zealand to walk the Lord of the Rings Trail, he's fifteen and I've never seen him more excited. When he turns 16 Jackson insists on buying him a car, so he can take girls out on dates. My sweet little man taking girls out on dates, it seems like only yesterday that he was one and crawling. But, I'm his mother, I raised him well. He'll respect women, treat them with kindness and compassion, and if not, I'll make sure to whip his butt or have Jackson give him a stern talking to. He'll have his first kiss at fourteen and then tell me about it, he and I are particularly close, he felt scared that he didn't do it right, but I assured him that he did fine. He'll have his first girlfriend in high school, it'll be young love, true honest, young love, and Jackson and I will have the dreaded birds and the bees talk with him. He'll take her to prom; she's both his lab partner and best friend, only the smartest for my boy. She'll wear a turquoise dress that brings out the blue-green hue of his eyes. He'll graduate from high school at the top of his class with his sister and Jackson and I will watch him walk across the stage with tears in our eyes. Our baby boy had finally grown up. He'll fly the nest, but won't go too far, only to Stanford. Then off to medical school at Stanford. And after that his surgical residency, where he'd declare for neuro. He was always methodical and focused, so it would be the right fit for him. He'd get married and have kids of his own too. He'd have the perfect life._

Tears filled April's eyes as she read her scribbles of notes about her son. She had everything written down about his life, from his favorite song to what kind of bike he'd ride when Jackson and her taught him how to ride one, right down to the way he'd place his finger on his temple when he's stressed. And once she was finished writing, once her son no longer moved in her belly, he occasionally would give her a kick, it was rare, but she knew it was him. Once she was done, that's when she was ready to let go, he had stopped kicking her for a week now, and it was time. She could no longer write his story in her head, she had to meet him, let the subject tell her himself if she was right or wrong. Now she was ready, ready to be a mom, but not ready to leave the hospital without him, she doubted she ever would be. So, April got into her car and drove herself to Seattle Grace Mercy West, storm and all. She was thirty-three weeks today, and today she would become a mom.

Callie and Arizona had been going to therapy for a while now; even before the plane crash things weren't perfect for the couple. Their relationship went from zero to one hindered in what felt like days, when Arizona left for Africa Callie thought they were done. So, she and Mark had sex, Callie wound up pregnant, Arizona came back, and decided to raise the baby with her. It was a whirlwind. But sometimes, Callie couldn't get the thought out of her head that Arizona was forced into becoming a mom when it wasn't what she actually wanted. Arizona never said anything about it. She was a wonderful mother to Sofia, she loved Sofia, but Callie could since little quips. They were rare before the accident, a short temper here or there, but after the accident it was a nightmare. If Mark hadn't intervened and told them to knock it off, if not for her own sake but for Sofia's, Arizona and her would have certainly headed for divorce.

"Good morning Lexie, and good morning Sofia," Callie put her nose to her daughter's tummy.

"Morning Callie. Can I hitch a ride with you and Arizona, Mark's already at the hospital for an early consult?"

"Sure, no problem. I'll just go see if Arizona's ready. Do you mind watching Sofia for five more minutes?" Callie asked.

"Of course." Lexie was getting used to Sofia, a year ago the thought of having a child scared her half to death, but something about almost dying makes a person want to go into overdrive. She knew she wanted three kids with Mark and sooner rather than later. "You know Sofia," she started off in a baby voice, "Your daddy and I are going to try and have a baby so you can have a little baby brother or sister."

"You're trying?" Arizona exclaimed, she was just putting on her prosthetic leg so she was taking an extra minute to get ready.

"Yeah. Last night actually was the first time. But please don't say anything, I don't want to steal Meredith's thunder or you know, upset April."

"I understand. But Lexie that's amazing!" Arizona was so gleeful. "Callie, I want another baby, we should have another baby!"

"Little Grey mentions she's trying and you've already got baby fever," Callie sarcastically responded to her wife while she kissed her cheek, "But I know what you mean. When you have this sweet little face to look at how can you not want another one?"

"See Sofia, you're going to be swimming in siblings in no time," Lexie laughed.

Mark Sloan and Derek Shepherd had been best friends their entire lives. Derek grew up with five sisters, and Mark grew up with no siblings, so naturally they stuck together. Mark was quirky and suave, while Derek was charming and endearing, put those two together at a bar and someone would probably end up pregnant. They had been through everything together, all the milestones, from being each other's best men, to graduating medical school together. Their bromance was a well followed one around the hospital, and if it weren't for the Grey sisters rumors certainly would have been flying about the men's sexualities.

"So, did I mention that Lexie and I are trying," Mark began the conversation, taking a sip of his morning coffee.

"No you didn't. That's fantastic. Meredith's going to be thrilled!" Derek answered quickly. He was feeling concern for his wife, she was forty-weeks pregnant after all and refusing to slow down at work.

"Yeah, she doesn't want to tell anyone. But I want to shout it from the rooftops. I mean, after having Sofia, I can't imagine my life without her. It's the most amazing experience. You and Meredith are in for a wild ride."

"I'm not looking forward to the late night diaper changes, at least Zola was almost one when we adopted her, so we luckily skipped that phase."

"It's the best phase though, actually their whole life is the best phase. But late night diaper changes were the only alone time I'd get with Sofia. It's where we did most of our daddy-daughter bonding."

"Good to know. I was planning on doing all the diaper changes, you know, to help Meredith out as much as possible."

"Superhero dad, aren't we?"

"No, just a dad." He smiled at his best friend and went on his way to his surgery. Even though Derek was in his forties, he couldn't help but be as excited as a child on Christmas morning waiting for what Santa Clause had brought him.

Meredith, Alex, Cristina, and Jackson were eating their lunches together in the cafeteria, nonchalantly chatting about their days and what surgeries they had planned.

"My case kicks your case's ass. Guarantee this could win me the Harper Avery," Cristina taunted Alex.

"Cristina, a simple endoscopy does not win you the Harper Avery," he argued.

"Jackson, has the foundation ever given a Harper Avery Award for an endoscopy?" She asked Jackson.

"No. The award is for revolutionary surgical technique, not to see who can put a scope in someone's body and look around," he answered coldly.

"What's got him in a mood," Cristina quietly said to Meredith.

"Leave him be, he has a lot of stuff to deal with about April. Give him space."

"Okay, where is April anyway?" Cristina asked Meredith so as to not upset Jackson, but he heard her anyway.

"She's at home. She's been at home for the past three weeks and she'll be at home until she decides what she wants to do." He sternly stated. And then he got up from the table, took his tray, and left. He needed time to himself to think without the judgment of his friends. He knew they meant no harm by asking him about April, Hell she up and disappeared on day. She handed in her letter of resignation to Hunt, which Jackson told him not to file with the board he knew she'd want her job back once she got back on her feet. But it didn't stop the whispers. People thought she left him, went back to Ohio, or that the babies weren't actually his and now she's with the real father. The rumors made him feel sick. But not as sick as having no one to talk to. He couldn't talk to April; no he couldn't burden her with his pain. He couldn't talk to anyone at the hospital because they knew April, they sympathized with her and saw him as the jerk that got her pregnant and made her feel this pain in the first place. And he most certainly could not talk to his mother; she would just make him feel worse right now about not being able to know what was the right thing to do. Everyone kept telling him to be there for April, wait for her, listen to her, but when was someone going to be there for him? He was alone, dammit. He had been abandoned. But no one seemed to care.

"Jackson," Meredith Grey had come out to talk to him. He had stormed out of the cafeteria so quickly she knew she needed to be there for him. She hadn't really paid attention much the past few weeks. She had been focused on her own pregnancy, prepping for her own baby, welcoming her sister back to the hospital, dealing with Cristina and her divorce. Somehow Jackson had slipped to the bottom of the totem pole of Meredith Grey's lists of people to give a damn about. She found him in the chapel, sitting in a pew, head down, mumbling to himself.

"I don't know what do to. Meredith, I'm damned if I do, I'm damned if I don't," he began, his words were flowing like a river, how long has it been since he's talked about his feeling she thought to herself.

"Jackson, what do you need? What can I do, for you?"

"I need April. I need my wife back. I need to talk to her and not the shell of a person she's become. I'm losing my son too. Why can no one see that," his sea-green eyes were now wet with tears, "Why can't anyone see that I'm losing something to? I'm trying to be a man, I'm trying to be strong for April and our daughter, but I'm breaking." Meredith sat down next to him and let him air out his feelings, "I'm never going to play catch with my son, teach him how to ride a bike, take him to his first basketball game. I'll never be able to talk to him about girls. I'll never be able to watch him go on his first date, graduate high school, or go to college. He's supposed to have a life, April and I would have given him the most amazing life. Why did God have to do this? Why God? Why did you have to do this to April? Me, I can take it. But April, April did nothing to deserve this," he shouted at the top of his lungs.

"Jackson, do you remember the day I had my miscarriage. It was the day of the shooting."

"I remember," he slowly responded, slightly embarrassed by his outburst earlier.

"I was nine weeks along, and so I had already begun thinking about the baby. What their name would be, what their personality would be like, in my mind they were a tiny person, my tiny person. And in an instant they were gone. Jackson, what you're feeling is normal. But you can't be stuck on what ifs, think about the what is. You're going to have a beautiful baby girl, and now I'm going to have a son. Sometimes, God puts things in our paths that we don't think we would ever be able to handle, but in the end it's all worth it. Every bad surgery, every bad relationship, every single thing, leads to this. Where we are now. We're both expecting children, don't let your grief eclipse your joy." And with that she left the chapel.

"God," he slowly began, "I don't know if you can hear me. I'm sorry about earlier, I was just, I don't know, upset. This is awkward. I haven't really done anything like this before. If April were here she'd know what to do, she'd know how to talk to you, but she's not here. My wife isn't here anymore. I see her, she looks the same, sounds the same, but she's not the same. I'm asking you to give me my wife back. Punish me. I've never been a believer, never gone to church, I pretty much swore off the idea of your existence when my dad left us. But right now, I'm going to need to ask for the biggest favor in the entire world, I've been on this earth for 32 years and haven't yet, so I'd say you owe me," he laughed to himself but then turned serious, "Please, save our son. Please give April the miracle she so desperately believes in. Please, do this for her." And with that Jackson Avery got up from the pew and lit three candles, one for his wife, one for his son, and one for his daughter.

Meredith had been working at the hospital all day, even though she was forty weeks she needed to keep working. Kept her mind off labor, which she wasn't excited for. Sure she had been to all the Lamaze classes, she understood which breathing techniques to use, and she had a thorough birth plan. She was a doctor, so she understood the mechanics of labor, the science of it at least, but she'd been in the room while Addison Shepherd was delivering a baby girl once and the screams of the mother sounded like they were not in a hospital but in a war zone. She wasn't looking forward to it, so she decided to come in last night before the storm fully hit. She knew that her labor would start relatively soon and what better place to be than in a hospital, filled with capable doctors and nurses. Although Derek had been reluctant to agree at first, he couldn't spot the flaw in her logic.

"I'm just going to stay the night, especially with the storm," Meredith began; she was pacing back and forth in the room.

"That sounds like a good plan. Do you have a surgery later?"

"Yes, with Hunt. Little boy, their car was hit by a tree, it's in about an hour."

"Meredith, why are you pacing?" Derek was curious to why his wife was behaving so anxiously.

"I'm just having some Braxton hicks contractions, it's nothing to be concerned about," she was incredibly nonchalant about it.

"Meredith, you're forty weeks. Those are probably real contractions. How far apart are they?"

"Ten minutes. Plus my water hasn't even," Meredith felt a rush of water flow down her leg.

"Your water hasn't?"

"Broke," she quietly whispered, "Derek. I think my water just broke. I think I'm in labor."

"I told you," He took her by the arms and helped her sit down. Panic was beginning to ensue.

"Oh my God, I'm in labor," she excitedly exclaimed.

"We're going to have a baby," he smiled, holding her hands as he crouched down and looked into her eyes, intently.

"We're going to have a baby," she kissed him.

Jackson had been at the hospital for a few hours now, he had called April when he had a break between surgeries earlier, but she didn't answer. He didn't know why he bothered trying anymore when he knew the answer would be the same. When she was ready to talk, she'd talk; he just had to be patient. But it didn't make it any less frustrating.

"So, how are you and Kepner? How's she holding up?" Karev asked Jackson. The two men were working on a case together that afternoon and although Jackson would have preferred to keep his private matters, well private, he did need to talk to someone. Plus he was a little concerned over Jackson's freakout at lunch.

"She's doing her best. And I'm just trying to keep it together for her."

"Man, I don't know how you're doing it. How you're even at work, you've definitely got my respect."

"Thanks."

"Hey, is that Kepner?" Jackson turned around and there he saw his heavily pregnant wife standing at the nurse's station, her hair was in a messy bun, she was wearing a simple outfit of jeans and an Ohio sweatshirt, and she had very minimal makeup on. She was soaked from the rain as well. To be honest she looked like she just braved the most dangerous storm of her life, but she had another one coming.

"Oh my God, that is April. What on earth is she doing here?" He ran over to his wife.

"April? April, are you okay? What are you doing here? Did you drive in this weather? I called you and told you not to come, April why are you here?"

April barely looked at him, it was like she was in a trance, but she simply replied,

"Jackson, I'm ready."


	10. Chapter 10

**Hi, everyone here's the last chapter for a little while, I'll be without my computer until the 23** **rd** **of February. Please let me know if you want more/a continuation of this story. Thank you all so much! –R.**

 _There's a thing we say when someone dies. We say it to the patient's family. We say, 'I'm sorry for your loss.' It's a pat little phrase and an empty one. It doesn't begin to cover what's actually happening to them. It lets us empathize without forcing us to feel their devastation ourselves. It protects us from feeling that pain, that dark, sinking, relentless pain. The kind that can eat you alive. And every day, I thank God for that._

Have you ever been to a place after dark? It's the oddest thing; a place that is beaming with life during the day becomes a desolate wasteland when nighttime falls. And when you wander those halls that are only dimly lit by the fluorescent lights overhead it feels as if you're not supposed to be there. Maybe you never were. Derek Shepherd had been in many hospitals in his lifetime, he'd spent practically his entire adult life in one, but none gave him the unsettling feeling that Seattle Grace Mercy West did now. Maybe it was the anticipation of Meredith giving birth or maybe it was the storm. See, rain purifies. Ancient tribes would worship it; they'd see it as a gift from the Gods. Now, it's a nuisance that extends the evening commute a few extra minutes, it's no longer magical. Life is magical, it's a gift that keeps on giving, and although most of it may seem to be like simple rain, sometimes we have to face the real storms.

"Dr. Grey, you doing okay?" Dr. Boswell asked, she had come to Seattle Grace three months ago to shadow Dr. Keller along with Arizona.

"Doing great," she breathed heavily, "I just want to get him out of me." She was exasperated, she had been in labor for three hours now and no one had offered her an epidural. She was craving one. She had wanted to do the procedure naturally, but that was before she felt the excruciating pain, screw not looking weak, she wanted the drugs.

"Okay, Dr. Grey. Let me check how many centimeters you are and we can go from there." She bent down to check, "Alright 5 centimeters. We can start the epidural in a bit, I'll let the anesthesiologist know."

"Thank you, Dr. Boswell," Derek said as he was stroking Meredith's forehead. She had begun to sweat a little bit and so he was feeing her ice chips.

"How long do you think that's going to take?" She quipped.

"Hopefully not too long, but the storm seems like it's taking everyone's attention."

"Well, I want my drugs. I own the place, I will have someone fired if I don't get them in the next twenty minutes." Derek knew better than to argue with his wife right now.

"Whatever you say. I'll page Mark and tell him to hunt down Dr. Fink for your epidural; she's the best in the hospital. And I want nothing but the best for my wife and the owner of SGMW," he sarcastically teased her.

"I'm going to kill you Derek Shepherd. You're the one who did this to me. You're the one who's making me push a watermelon through my vagina," her Bostonian accent was coming out strong.

"Meredith he's not going to be as big as a watermelon. And we had a plan, we had this all figured out, why are you so scared?"

"Says the one who only has to hold my hand and do none of the heavy lifting," she snapped, but then she put her hand over her head and sighed, "I don't know, maybe it's Kepner. I can't help but think that something's going to be wrong with our baby. We had no genetic testing done and anything could happen. You know me, I have the lottery of crappy genetics right here."

"Nothing is wrong Meredith. And if something is, we will deal with it as it comes. We can't change anything now by worrying."

"I know. I know." She breathed. "And get me Cristina," she called.

The hospital's staff was running on empty and Lauren Boswell was not in the mood to deal with Meredith Grey's antics, so she decided to keep her happy and get her the epidural and fast. She had seen Arizona; the two had become close over the past few months, talking about everything ranging from her accident to Lauren's own struggles with her marriage. The women had grown close, into best friends, and it would have only taken one of them to say the words and make that 'friendship' into something more.

"What are you doing?" Arizona asked as Lauren pulled her into an on call room. The NICU was hectic, with the threat of the backup generator going out and therefore the 'tiny humans' losing their lives, it was weighing on Arizona heavily.

"I want you," Lauren began trying to gain her words, "Arizona I want you. All of you. You're so incredibly beautiful, the way you work with those children every single day, and everything you do is turning me on. I can no longer keep my hands off of you." Lauren reached in for a kiss, but Arizona turned her head away.

"Lauren, I'm married and so are you. We have other people to think about."

"I know, but why turn away from something that feels so right? And you said so yourself, you and Callie were having issues."

"We are. But she's my wife and even though I have difficulty trusting her right now, I want to be with her. We have a daughter together, a family, and a life with one another. I'm not going to ruin that by having sex with you." As the two women were arguing about this, Callie walked into the on call room, wanting to get some extra sleep before the next wave of patients came into the O.R. from the storm. She watched her wife as she was intently staring at Boswell. Arizona wasn't touching her, but she looked at her with immense pleasure and something in Callie snapped.

"Arizona, what is going on?"

"I'm gonna go, I have to take care of Grey," Dr. Boswell bolted as fast as she could.

"Oh my God, Callie, you weren't supposed to see any of that. It was nothing. No need to worry," she tried to grab her wife's hand to comfort her, but Callie pulled hers away.

"That wasn't nothing. What is going on?" Callie pressed the issue further, and so the two women started talking while the storm raged on outside.

"She's just a friend. She wanted more and I told her to stop. End of story."

"Did you want more?"

"I don't know, Callie. I don't know."

"Is what we have no enough? I have dropped everything for you; I have put my career on hold to take care of you. And I would have done it over again because I love you."

"Don't you think I know that? Don't you think I know how you look at me, how you pity me all because of," she couldn't get the words out.

"Your leg. It always comes back to the leg."

"You had no right," Arizona began to choke on her words.

"I was trying to save your life," Callie was getting frustrated, how come Arizona couldn't see the impossible choice she was given?

"I don't care. You weren't on the freaking plane," Arizona screamed, finally her true feelings were coming to the surface. "You didn't lose anything!"

And calmly Callie responded, "Apparently I lost you."

Mark and Derek were pacing the hospital halls together, trying to keep their minds off of the impending storm and Meredith's not so easy labor.

"She's going to kill me you know," Derek began.

"She's just in a hell of a lot of pain. You got her a good push present didn't you?"

"A what?"

"You know the present for pushing your son out of," he refused to say vagina, even though it was the medically correct term for it, it felt odd referring to his friend's wife's vagina.

"Oh, well I was planning on surprising her tomorrow with the house. Lexie and I just put the finishing touches on it last week."

"What were you saying about finishing touches?" Lexie scared the two men.

"Lexie, what are you doing here? There's a freaking monsoon going on outside!" Mark alarmingly asked.

"No, you do not go there," she begun poking her finger into his chest, "I had to find out from Karev that my sister was in labor with my nephew, who is going to be my Godson, so of course I drove over here."

"We actually haven't decided his Godparents yet," Derek hesitated.

"Don't worry, she'll choose me. But that's not my point. Mark you have to stop babying me. I'm not broken. I'm not fragile. I'm a freaking surgeon."

"I know. But Lexie, you don't understand how scared I was out in the woods. I can't fathom ever losing you again." Derek had already left, duty called with Meredith and his ice chips were melting fast, he had better go and grab her another cup or there'd be hell to pay.

"Mark, we're not on a plane. I'm standing right in front of you, whole, unharmed. Please give me room to breathe."

"I'll try. But I can't make any promises."

"Thank you." They kissed and then the lights went out.

Owen Hunt had been the chief of surgery for a little over a year now, and no his job was not easy. First the plane crash and now a hospital without power, except for a measly back up generator that was only working for severely ill patient's life support machines. He was surprised that the stress hadn't caused his ginger hair to fall out. Even while he was in the army, the chaos had been organized. One expects disaster in a war zone, not in the middle of Seattle. He pressed his hands to his face, trying to calm his nerves. He could handle this; he thought to himself, he actually was a solider. But then doubt crept in, if he didn't manage to find a better generator he'd loose his job for one thing and so many people would die on his watch. He couldn't let that happen again.

"Owen," Cristina asked as she knocked on his door. She noticed her ex-husband sitting behind his desk looking more stressed than ever.

"What is it Cristina? I'm sort of in the middle of a crisis."

"Meredith is in labor and April's in the hospital, I just thought you may have wanted to know."

"Thank you." Cristina turned to leave the room, "Do you still want this?"

"Owen, please don't. Not now."

"Then when? When will we talk about it? Cristina you were my wife, I loved you, I still love you. But I can't keep doing this, one foot in one foot out business. I want all of you; I don't need kids to have a full life. But I do know I need you." She closed the door behind her as she approached her husband's desk.

"I can't have you give up on your dreams for me. Because one day, maybe not today or tomorrow or even in the next year, but one day you'll look back on your life and you'll see that it wasn't what you wanted. I won't do that to you."

"What people want can change."

"Owen, stop this. I'm not going to change my mind. I do not want children."

"I know you don't. I'm not asking you to have them, Cristina. I'm saying that I can change."

"I won't let you do that." Her pager buzzed _911 Meredith_. "Owen, I have to go, it's Meredith. We can talk more later."

Derek had received the same page as Cristina and they were both sprinting through the darkened halls of Seattle Grace Mercy West to Meredith Grey's birthing suite, but when they got there, she was no where to be found.

"Where's Doctor Grey?" Derek panicked.

"Dr. Boswell took her up to the O.R., she had internally bleeding from a fall she took the other day, the baby's in distress," before the nurse could finish Derek rushed up to the O.R. floor.

"Derek, what are you doing? Why are you running?" Mark asked he had just come up with Lexie to see how Meredith was doing.

"Get Addison here, now!" Derek screamed.

April Kepner had arrived at Seattle Grace in the morning, much to her husband's surprise. She had looked like she was up all night thinking about the birth, contemplating about whether or not it was the right time. Jackson, didn't want to pressure her into talking about it, he just wanted to support her. But he couldn't help but wish that she'd snap out of this and go back to being the perky and overly positive April Kepner that he fell in love with.

"What do you mean, you're ready April?" He asked her, staring at her haphazard appearance.

"I'm done. Now, I'm ready to have them," she answered bluntly, as if the pregnancy was a burden.

"Done with what? April, I don't understand."

"It's nothing." She turned around to the nurse, "Tell Dr. Boswell April Kepner is here for her scheduled inducement; she should be expecting me."

"You had this scheduled?"

"Don't be silly Jackson, I called from the car."

"April, you're still not answering my questions." She had begun to walk towards the hospital room, "Do not walk away from this April. Please." She heard the exasperation in his voice and stopped.

"Jackson, what do you want me to say?"

"Please, say something. Do something. Show one ounce of emotion."

"I can't do that, Jackson. It will be too painful. Please, just come in with me, so we can get this over with."

"Okay," he really didn't want to argue; maybe when she saw their son she'd snap out of her funk. He could only hope.

The labor was long, April was in it for fifteen hours before she could start pushing, and then he was born, Samuel Mark Avery followed by his sister Delilah Louise Avery. And as soon as she saw them, something in April melted; it was like all of her worries were swept away. Dr. Keller put both the twins in April's arms as soon as possible while Jackson sat at her head.

"You did such a good job."

"Thank you. He's so beautiful, I didn't think he would be so beautiful."

"Yeah, he is. Do you still want me to get the pastor to baptize him?"

"Please." Jackson left to go get the pastor, they had talked briefly about baptizing him and he knew it would make April happy so he obliged. When he came back to the room, fifteen minutes later he saw April singing to their children, particularly their son.

" _You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are grey. You'll never know dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away._ " Jackson melted in grief hearing the pain in his wife's voice.

"Jackson, I didn't hear you come in, do you want to hold him. I don't know how much time we'll have left."

"I'm sorry April, I'm so sorry for what I said before." He said as he took his son in his arms. And then it all hit him at once. Everything that could have been, would never be. His son would only get a few hours, maybe a couple of days to live and that was it. Jackson would never be able to be his dad, not in the way that he was supposed to be. He and April were supposed to be tag teaming against the twins; they were supposed to go to school together, be best friends, and now in a few hours he'd have to send one of them to the morgue.

"It's okay Jackson. I know why you said it. Please, let's just enjoy this time as a family."

"I'd really like that." And so, they sat together for hours telling their son everything he would ever need to know. Jackson talked about basketball; telling his son to send in a good word to God about having his team, win a championship soon. He told him that he would have had the best Avery sparkle imaginable and that he would kill it with the ladies up in heaven. April laughed at the thought. She sung a bit more to her son and daughter, but she held her son to her chest and rocked him. She whispered good thoughts to him, told him about her grandparents that were in heaven and waiting for him. She described God and how he shouldn't be scared that he was leaving them too soon. She told him that they'd be thinking about him every single day; that they loved him, and would miss him. They stayed in that hospital room talking to their two children for about six hours.

"He squeezed my finger," she quietly said.

"That's great," Jackson tried to encourage her.

"And then he let go." The smile faded from both their faces, their son was gone.

The OR was dark, Meredith couldn't see a thing, but she could feel her contractions, they were becoming stronger and closer together. She was going in and out of consciousness; she had no idea what was happening or where Derek was. She wanted Derek.

"Dr. Grey, it's Dr. Bailey, I'm here," Bailey grabbed her hand. "We're going to take care of you."

"What happened, where's Derek, where's my baby?"

"He's on his way. You have some internal bleeding from your fall. We're going to fix it, and you'll meet your son very soon."

Meredith gripped Bailey's hand tightly, "You save him, you save him Bailey." And Meredith Grey flat-lined.

We can't get too close. If we felt even little of the joy and the hopes that our patients are saying goodbye to, we'd never be able to function. So we say, 'We're sorry for your loss.' and we hope it offers something. Some little bit of support. Some bit of peace. Some bit of closure. Something good. Some little piece of beauty in the midst of some place dark. An unexpected gift, just when it's needed most.


	11. Chapter 11

_Thank you all for your patience, here's the next chapter! I will be updating later this week with a longer chapter, I just wanted to get something out quickly for you guys. Thank you so much for reading my story, and I look forward to hearing any feedback! –R._

Meredith could see everything around her, she could hear the chaos of the O.R., in her mind she knew she was dying; she knew she was leaving this place. The place that was filled with so much death and heartbreak. This is where her husband was shot, and where he flat lined in front of her. This is where she had her miscarriage. This is where she drowned, where Izzie fought her cancer, where George died, it seemed only fitting that she would end her life within these hospital walls.

"Let's go, she's not dying today, someone tell me where Addison Montgomery is right now!" Bailey screamed in a panic. Addison had come to Seattle to work on premature twins, and she was the only one who could save Meredith now.

"This splenic bleeding is too much, more laps!" Bailey screamed once more, then she looked at Grey and calmly said in her motherly voice, "Meredith, you do not get to die today. I've had too much death in my lifetime and I'm not going to add to it. So, I'm forbidding you from dying. You have a beautiful baby boy who needs his mother, Meredith," she breathed, "there are still some things left in this world to fight for."

Addison Montgomery had made her way to the O.R.; she wasn't prepared to see Meredith circling the drain. She had a neutral relationship with Meredith, she wasn't someone she hated or despised, she was just someone she worked with who happened to fall in love with her husband. Meredith was a blessing to Addison, because she made her realize her own worth and that staying with a husband that was in love with someone else was too cruel a fate to endure. But, never had Addison wished ill harm to Meredith, so seeing her here made her take a step back and collect herself. She knew Derek would never forgive her if she didn't fight with all her might to save Meredith.

"Bailey what do we got?" She came in, guns a blazing, with her surefire attitude and confidence. She was a renowned surgeon, she held herself so impeccably well and commanded every O.R. she entered. She was Addison, freaking, Montgomery.

"Splenic bleed, I'm working on it," she turned to Dr. Ross, "More laps!" "Can you monitor the baby?"

"On it." She checked the monitor, "Bailey, I'm getting D-cells, I need to get that baby out now."

"But Meredith," Bailey starting stammering.

"Bailey, it's Meredith or the baby. We don't have time to decide, if I don't get that baby out within sixty seconds, he will die."

Bailey closed her eyes and thought to herself, she knew what Meredith had wanted; she knew that above all else Meredith wanted her son to live. The woman who had walked into the hospital years, so many years ago, was not who was lying on the table in front of her. That woman was scared. She acted tough and dark and twisty, but in all honesty she was scared. Scared that she'd never be enough, scared that no one would ever love her, scared that she'd never find her happy ending. Those types of things only happened in fairy tales, not to girls like her. But then she met Derek and something clicked, the world wasn't all-bad, sometimes life gives us unexpected gifts. So Bailey breathed out, and decided, "Save the baby," was all she said.

At 11:42 P.M. Meredith had given birth to her son, via C-section, and by 11:44, Derek Shepherd had ran into the O.R. where he saw Bailey and Addison working on his wife in a desperate attempt to save her and he stood there limp. He remembered when she drowned and the helpless feeling that he hadn't been able to save her. He didn't catch her.

"Bailey, what's going on? What's happening with Meredith?"

"Get out of here Derek, we've got this." Addison responded.

"No, what's going on!"

"Splenic bleed. We're working as fast as we can. We've had to shock her once, but she's doing better. I've got this Derek, now go," Bailey said.

"And I've got your son." Addison added. Derek turned around and exited the O.R. where he saw Mark and Cristina sitting outside waiting to hear. The three of them sat down next to each other in silence and waited what felt like days for news on Meredith.

"She's okay," Bailey announced as she exited the O.R. in a panting sweat, her adrenaline had just been on a high for the past few hours and she needed to rest, but before she could even get the rest of the sentence out Derek pummeled her with a hug.

"Thank you, thank you Bailey."

"She's in recovery, you can all go see her now."

"And the baby?" Derek wondered.

"He's just fine. Full term. And his C-section seems to have no lasting effects on him. You have a healthy baby boy," Addison had also come out of the O.R. and handed his son to him. He was so tiny, wrapped up in a pale blue blanket.

"Hi," Derek cooed at the baby, then looked up at Addison, "Thank you."

"Always." She smiled at him.

"Well, let's let the family get some alone time, shall we go?" Mark asked.

"You're buying me coffee," Yang chimed in.

"As usual." Mark scoffed.

Derek made his way to Meredith's recovery room with their newborn son in the other babies; she had been sleeping for hours but woke up much to his delight.

"My side hurts," she complained.

"You're awake!" He joyously exclaimed.

"Where's, where's the baby? Why am I in the ICU and not the delivery floor?"

"There was a complication with your fall, you had a splenic bleed and Bailey had to remove your spleen."

"Oh my God, is he okay? I killed our baby, didn't I?" Meredith was at the verge of tears and in a panic.

"No! No, Meredith, he's just fine. Let me go get him." And within five minutes Derek was back and placed their son in her arms.

"Look at him, I don't think I've ever loved something this much, not since we found out we were going to keep Zola. What do you think about the name Bailey?"

"I love it."

"Why, hello there Derek Bailey Shepherd," she lightly tapped his nose, while Cristina looked on from the window longingly. Their lives had changed so much, they had changed so much, she was so happy for her best friend. But in a way, it felt like she was being left behind. She was envious that her relationship with Owen couldn't be this way, couldn't be unwavering and true like Meredith's, she resented the fact that she didn't want children of her own. That would have made things simpler, but that's not who she is. So, she let them have some alone time, together, because the only thing she wanted was for her friend to be happy. But Meredith met her gaze and smiled at her, she knew exactly what Cristina was thinking without having to hear her say it, it was a smile of gratitude, one that Cristina also reciprocated before she turned around and left.

A week had past since April had given birth to her twins, and three days had passed since Samuel's funeral. Today had been the first day she showered since then, but it felt wrong. She should be dead and he should be here. She's lived her life, she's done all that she needed to do, but in a way she felt like a part of her had died. She felt like a monster that couldn't keep her son safe. So, she spent each day wrapped in the blanket her mother had knitted for him and sat in his nursery crying. She couldn't look at her daughter, she didn't want to think about her daughter, and knowing that she felt that way made April feel worse. What kind of a mother was she? She refused to hold her own baby, she'd pump then Jackson would feed her, Jackson would change her, dress her, and here she sat staring at the wall thinking about things that could not change.

"April, we're going to go to see my mother at Weber's do you want to come?" Jackson asked her, he knew that he had to pull himself together for her sake and for Deliah's, but he was just as torn up inside as her.

"No, Jackson, not today. I think I'm going to rest a bit."

"Okay." He was clearly disappointed, but it wasn't time yet. His mother had told him that she'd be ready when she was ready and to try not to push her, but all he really wanted was the old April back.

After he had left and locked the door, April began to sob. She tried not to sob too much in front of Jackson; she knew he was worried already, but alone with her thoughts and God she began to break down. She let go of every emotion that she had felt. Betrayal, anger, misunderstanding; everything that had taken herself away from her. She hated feeling weak and broken; she wanted to be a solider like Owen had told her so long ago. Soldiers could weather and storm, face the most dire of consequences, and survive. She knew she could survive this, she just didn't know how, so all she could do right now was cry. She pulled out her journal, with all the details of his life that she had imagined and began writing on a new page.

 _Dear Samuel,_

 _It's mom. Today would have been your first week anniversary, I had a perfect blue onesie picked out for you, but some other little boy will get to enjoy it. Your dad has been taking such good care of your little sister; I know that you're helping him through this. I love you, and miss you._

 _Love Always, Mom._

She wrote in the journal to her son every single day, telling him about her day or how she was feeling or what she thought he would have been like on that particular day. It helped her cope, if only for a little bit.

Jackson had buckled Delilah into her car seat and headed towards his mother and Richard's house. He had gone there twice this week already, once after the funeral, and yesterday evening. They were his rocks where April couldn't be. They kept him focused on the end goal, raising his daughter and getting April through this difficult time.

"Baby, let me see you, how are you?" His mother asked as she grabbed his face.

"Mom, I saw you last night, I'm fine," he was slightly annoyed but he knew she only meant well.

"Let me see my grandbaby, come here sugar," She pulled Delilah out of the car seat and brought her into the house. Delilah was a very quiet baby; she was calm and usually took in her surroundings peacefully. Jackson had discovered that she enjoyed watching basketball with him at night; the players running up and down the court would mesmerize her. He cherished this, because something told him in a few years he'd be attending imaginary tea parties with her, not basketball games, but he would try to sway her in the correct direction.

"So, how's April doing?" His mother asked. She was always fond of April, so seeing her like this was difficult.

"The same. I don't know what to do. I'm trying to have patience, I'm trying to be there for her, but she won't even look at Delilah. I thought that Delilah would bring her some light, but she only seems to be making things worse."

"Oh baby, April loves her too, she's just grieving. Give her time. I know I sound like a broken record, but time heals all wounds."

"But there are some things time cannot mend," he rebutted.

"Jackson Avery, did you just quote Tolkien to me?"

"Yes," he shamefully admitted. He was a closet Lord of the Rings nerd; it had been his favorite book series growing up.

"Okay, so let's say April brought the ring to Mordor, then what happened?" Catherine tried to humor her son's analogy, but she had been too bored to sit through the movies when they came out.

"Frodo left the shire. That's how he healed himself."

"Do you think April's going to leave?"

"I don't know. I don't think she'd ever abandon Delilah, or me but the person who's at my house right now isn't the person I married. So, I don't know what she's going to do."

"What are you going to do?"

"What do you mean?"

"If she leaves, what are you going to do, Jackson?"

"Fight like hell to make sure she stays. She's my wife, and I took a vow to love her and honor her through sickness and in health," he put his hand on the back of his head, "But damn am I tired of holding us together. It's like she's not even trying, and I'm here doing everything. And no one has even asked me if I'm okay. My son died too, he was my son," and he began sobbing into his mother's arms. Even though Jackson had his wife and daughter, he still felt utterly alone, and that was the most terrible feeling in the world.


	12. Chapter 12

Thank you all for reading and reviewing my story, it's been a long journey but I'm still going and will continue adding to all of my works. My schoolwork has recently started up, but I will try to update each work weekly, minimally. Much love –R.

Two months had passed since Samuel's death and April's spirits still had not lifted. It was like the life was sucked out of her, her eyes no longer glimmered and there was a paleness to her skin that wasn't there before. It was hard to put your finger on it, but she was simply not the same. In life there are a lot of things that people don't come back from, not because they don't want to, but simply because they can't. Sometimes, the hurt is just too much and it's impossible to move on. April knew, logically that her son would not come back, that no amount of praying could reverse the clock and make him normal. God, she hated that word, normal. A ship of fools people are constantly trying to put others in a box, trying to dictate other people's lives and who they should and shouldn't be. She was constantly told she was too bubbly, too happy, too outgoing and that she needed to tone it down. Now, here she was, the perfect candidate to become a twisted sister with Mereidth and Cristina and no one wanted her to be like this. Damned if she did, damned if she didn't. But, it had been two months since she stepped foot into Seattle Grace Mercy West, two months since she walked the halls where her son took his last breath, where she learned of his condition, where she had to make the most heart-wrenching decision of her life. But she thought to herself, that this place still had some good to offer. This is where Jackson asked her to marry him, this is where she found out she was pregnant, and most importantly this is where she had her daughter. The last thing in the world preventing her from going over the edge was her daughter, Delilah.

"You're going to do great today, I know it. You don't need to worry about anything," Jackson said trying to comfort her.

"I know. You guys go on without me, I just need a minute." She calmly replied. She watched as her husband took their daughter inside the hospital, but she couldn't move. Her feet felt like they were covered in cement and the thought of moving them felt revolting. Her mind was spinning at what felt like a hundred miles an hour, maybe she wasn't ready to go in, maybe it wasn't her time.

"Kepner, what are you doing out here? Doesn't your shift start in like 15 minutes?" Alex Karev asked her as he himself was walking into the hospital. He had checked in on April every few days to make sure she was doing okay, but no matter how much effort he put in, she wouldn't snap out of her funk. He cared about her and hated to see her like this, so broken, so empty, such a shell of herself.

"I'm coming, I just need a minute."

"You know you can talk to me, right?"

"I know that," she hesitantly replied.

"Then what is it? What are you afraid of?"

"I don't want to see it."

"See what?"

"Death. I don't think I can handle seeing it, at least not today, I don't think I'm ready." Her chin was tilted slightly upward and she was looking at the clear blue sky, a rarity for Seattle at this time of year.

"We can't prevent what we can't predict, April. If you don't get in there and do your job someone may actually die. You save lives, remember?"

"I know. But, I can't save them all."

"None of us can. But that doesn't mean we have to stop trying to save as many as we can. Now come on, just put one foot in front of the other," Alex grabbed her hand and walked her into the hospital. As soon as her foot crossed the threshold a wave of emotion surged through her body. She was back here, back in the place that had taken so much from her, but had also given so much back. All she could do was pray that it wouldn't be too hectic of a day, hopefully a few stomach aches, maybe a stich or too, nothing fatal.

"Dr. Avery, how's little Delilah doing? Starting to sleep more?" Carla, the receptionist at the day care asked him. The two had gotten to know each other fairly well, and she reminded him of his own mother minus the meddling.

"Yes, much better than last month. But she's such a mellow baby, which is odd because April said she was kicking up a storm in utero," he beamed as he tapped her nose cutely.

"They tend to calm down once they're out into the world. Speaking of Dr. Kepner, is she back today?"

"Yes, yes she is."

"That's great. Should I put her on the list for visitor's today?"

Jackson hesitated a moment, "Yes, yes please do."

"All right. Have a good rest of your day Dr. Avery. Goodbye!" She waved goodbye as Jackson said his own goodbyes to Delilah and gave her a small kiss on her forehead. Although he knew deep down April wouldn't visit Delilah at work, there was that small once of hope that maybe she would. She had gotten much better with handling her and spending time with Delilah. But she wouldn't read to her or sing songs, oh how he missed her sweet voice. It was soft and melodic, and the perfect voice that all mothers have when they sing lullabies to their children.

The pit was relatively quiet when April arrived apart from Jo Wilson talking to her about something she was disinterested in, the sound of a quiet E.R. was music to her ears. Except for the fact that with a quiet E.R. usually came trouble and before she could even take a moment to breath and take in her surroundings, all hell broke loose.

"We have a car crash, semi hit an SUV and it flipped three times, we're looking at six critical patients," Owen explained to the E.R. staff. He pulled April off to the side and talked to her, it had been so long since the two had had one of their talks, but he thought it'd be best to give her some space while she grieved the loss of her son.

"Can you do this?"

"It's my job, Owen. Of course I can." She was slightly offended by his comments, but she knew his concern was coming from a good place.

The paramedic came bursting in with a young woman, maybe 30 and six months pregnant, she had been in the front passenger seat of the car, which was also the point of impact.

"April, you take her into trauma one," Owen instructed.

"Yes, chief. Okay Wilson, let's go."

"Ma'am, I'm doctor Kepner, can you tell me your name?"

"We have two leg fractures, I need you to page Ortho and OB, now Wilson," April commanded, she then looked back at the woman and made direct eye contact with her, and for a moment April didn't feel the pain of losing her son, she had no concern in the world except for this woman and her baby. "Ma'am, can you hear me?"

"Yes, my name is Hannah," she barely got out.

"Hannah, how far along are you?"

"32 weeks. Please, do whatever you can to save him, my husband just got back from Afghanistan and I can't take this baby away from him. I've already lost so much."

"It's okay, I'm going to take good care of both of you." She took the fetal doppler over Hannah's abdomen trying to search for a fetal heartbeat, but she heard nothing. So, she tried harder, she was not going to let this woman's baby die, not before she got the chance to save it.

"Is everything okay, Dr. Kepner?"

"Just one second, I'm going to actually get you an ultra sound, okay?"

"Can you not hear his heartbeat," panic was filling her eyes, "You'd tell me if you can't hear it, right?" Her lip was quivering and April had no idea what to do. Dr. Wilson was standing in the corner of the room, she watched as April's hand shook slightly and her body tensed up as the woman's questions continued.

"Dr. Wilson, please go get an ultra sound machine, now," April calmly instructed.

"Right away, Dr. Kepner."

"Hannah, why don't you tell me about your husband. How did you two meet?"

"We're high school sweethearts, met in band class. He played the tuba, I played the clarinet, it was love at first chair as we like to say. We got married three years ago, right after he graduated from West Point, and before he went on his first tour."

"Your husband, is he in Seattle now?"

"Yeah, he is."

"Do you want me to call him?"

"No, I didn't mean it like that, he's buried here. He died after an IED exploded, he put his entire body on it and saved at least a dozen men, my husband died a hero and that is something I will never forget," a single tear started to stream down her face, "I remember the day the brought his body home. It felt so surreal, like I was living in the alternate universe where my mind knew what was happening, but I couldn't comprehend it. Seeing his coffin come off that airplane, was the absolute worst day of my life, everything I had ever wished for or wanted lied within that box. He was my entire life, and now he's gone. So, I'm telling you Doctor Kepner, please be honest with me, is my baby okay?"

"No, Hannah. He's not okay, I can't detect a fetal heartbeat. But I've paged OB and we're going to make try and do everything we can."

"I don't know if I can do it," Hannah grabbed April's hand, "I don't know if I can make it through this again, Dr. Kepner."

"April, call me April." April held on to Hannah's hand tightly, and sat down next to her, and started to explain her story. "You know, I had a son too. He had osteogenesis imperfecta, and he died a few hours after he was born."

"How did you get through it?"

"It's a daily struggle. Sometimes when I look at his sister I see him, they scrunch their noses the same way and whatnot. But, it feels like a part of you is missing, and I don't know if you'll ever get it back."

"I've already lost so much."

"We all have, but that doesn't mean it's not worth it to try again. There's too much good out in the world to be bent out of shape about the bad." Jo came in with Arizona and the ultra sound, slightly confused as to why April was sitting and talking to the patient.

"Dr. Kepner, I brought the ultra sound," she explained.

"Great, are you ready Hannah?" She didn't move from where she was sitting.

"Hi, Hannah, I'm Dr. Robbins. I'm the fetal-surgical fellow and I'm going to be doing your ultra sound today. I'll just squeeze a little bit of cold jelly on your belly and take a look at your baby."

"Sounds good." Arizona moved the ultra sound around, but maintained a blank expression, which April knew only meant one thing. Hannah's baby had died in the accident.

"Dr. Kepner, could I talk with you outside for a moment?" Arizona asked.

"Sure," the two women walked outside while Wilson stayed with Hannah, "Her baby's dead isn't he?"

"Yeah he is. Do you want me to tell her?" Arizona asked, but April had already started to walk away. It was like she was in a trance. She had spent hours in Hannah's room, talking to her, getting to know her. She was such a kind person; she wasn't a person who deserved to lose her husband and her baby in a few short months. The world just wasn't fair. And so, April made her way to Chief Hunt's office.

"Dr. Hunt," she knocked on his door.

"Yes, April?"  
"I can't stay here. I thought I could, but I can't. I need to go."

"April, come in and sit? What's going on?" He was utterly confused by her appearance; she looked as though she had just been crying.

"I'm not doing any good here, I can't heal here."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying; I need to go away. You have connections in the army, right? I want to enlist. I need to get out of Seattle."

"April, you just had a baby, don't you want to think about this a little bit more?"

"That's exactly why I'm doing this. I can't her mother if I'm walking around like a ghost, I won't do that to her."

"Okay, April. I know they need doctors in Jordan, I can probably get you there in a week."

"Thank you, Dr. Hunt."

Jackson met April by the hospital entrance and they walked out together, hand in hand. The drive home was pleasant, but the real conversation started as soon as they got back to their place.

"How was your first day back?"

"Jackson, I need to talk to you." She turned and faced him and everything he had feared came to the surface. He knew exactly what she was going to say, but he didn't want to hear it, he wasn't ready to hear it.

"Please don't say it," he begged.

"Jackson, I have to go. Owen told me I can work with the army in Jordan, if I leave by the end of the week."

"What about our daughter, what about me," he grittily said the words.

"Look at me, Jackson. I can't be her mom right now. I need to go and heal myself."

"This isn't fair April, and you know it."

"I'm sorry, Jackson. But what do you want me to do? Be miserable?"

"No, I want you to care! I want you to look at your daughter, study her face, her mannerisms. I want you to ask me how I'm doing, if I'm okay in any of this? Because you have failed to do that once, not a single time did you ask me how I felt about losing my son. He was my son too, April."

"Yes, he was your son. But you did not have to bear with the pain of knowing that you were causing him harm. Every movement I made could have broke his bones, it was because of me that our son was in pain," she screamed out at him. Jackson had never thought of it that way, he had never thought that April had blamed herself for her son's pain.

"If you go, we won't be here waiting for you," he calmly threatened.

"I need to do this Jackson. I'm sorry." She kissed him goodbye, and kissed Delilah, and left the apartment.


	13. Chapter 13

What do you do when love isn't enough? Sometimes the universe manages to do everything in its power to keep people apart, good people who under most circumstances would be together and happy, but life isn't a fairytale and not everyone is lucky enough to get their happy ending.

April got into her car and drove, for hours, with no destination in sight. She turned up the music and just went, passing houses and trees, and drove into the mountains. She needed to clear her head and make this decision without Jackson or Owen or anyone else's opinion for that matter, she had to do this on her own. She pulled over at a rest stop to get some gas and she started thinking about Moline.

Fifteen years earlier

Moline, Ohio was a small town a few hours drive outside of Cincinnati. It had open plains as far as the eye could see and the population of cows outnumbered that of the people. However, despite its small size, April always thought fondly of Moline, it was her home.

"April, come down here! You're going to be late," her mother, Karen yelled. She tumbled down the stairs, her chocolate brown hair was untamed and frizzy, she had no makeup on, and she still had her braces. April had been much more concerned with her studies and after school science clubs than her with her looks, unlike her three sisters, Libby, Kimmie, and Alice. Although she was the second oldest, all three of her sisters ganged up on her and bullied her about her looks, calling her ducky as an homage to the ugly duckling in the old nursery tale. She was too kind to tell them to stop, which was probably why they tormented her. Her mother always told her they were jealous, but sometimes it frustrated April to no end that no one would defend her or stand up for her.

"Mom have you seen my gray sweatshirt, I can't seem to find it?" A panicked April asked.

"It's on the chair, where you left it last night. Now go, Libby isn't going to wait for you."

"I know." She kissed her mom on the cheek and she rushed outside towards the white pickup truck where a very annoyed Libby was waiting.

"Hey, sorry I just had to finish my science project for the fair today," April tried to explain.

"I don't care, April. Just get in and let's go, and don't touch the stereo this time. I do not want to listen to *NSYNC." April normally would have protested a jab on *NSYNC, she did have a thing for Justin Timberlake which was evidenced by the posters of him on her wall, but she knew this was not the morning. Today was the day the senior guys asked the senior girls to prom and Libby was nervous about being asked. April couldn't understand why, her sister was tall and thin, but not too lanky. She had long, flowing hair, it looked like she had gotten it professionally blown out every morning, except April knew that Libby woke up three hours before school to get ready. She had been talking to a guy named Jake from her calculus class for a few weeks now, so Libby had grown anxious about the dance, all of her friends had boyfriends and she would have look pathetic if she weren't asked and not going to the prom would have been social suicide.

"So, are you hoping Jake's going to ask you today?" April tried to lighten up the mood in the car, Libby was so tense she could have driven into another car and not noticed.

"It's none of your business, April. But out of it," she snapped back.

"I'm sorry, I was just asking." The rest of the car ride was silent, and as soon as Libby parked the truck April ran inside to Mr. Bennett's room to turn in her project.

"Ms. Kepner, how are you this morning? Did you and Hudson finish the genetics project for the fair tonight?" Mr. Bennett, an older gentleman in his sixties asked her. He was a kind man, who'd been teaching at their high school for more than thirty-five years and he was also a man April had known her whole life. Moline was such a small town that everyone knew everyone and there was no such thing as a secret.

"Yes we did. I just put my finishing touches on it this morning," she elatedly responded. She had been so proud of her work and it was what had inspired her to pursue a career in science, which field she wasn't sure of, but she knew in her bones that science was the career for her.

"Morning Keps; how are we today?" Hudson Lorenze, her boyfriend of a few months wondered. He was also a science nerd who wore nerdy, black-framed glasses and had a curly fro on top of his head.

"Not too bad, spent an hour getting this project done this morning, no thanks to you," she teased, "plus Libby's so mad at me for making her late. You should have seen her in the car, I swear if it wasn't illegal my body would already be buried in a ditch somewhere."

"You're being dramatic, it couldn't have been that bad."

"Have you met my sister?"

"Maybe you're right, it could have been that bad. Why was she so tense anyways, I mean I know she can be extra sometimes but normally she doesn't bite your head off over nothing.

"It's prom. She's worried she won't get a date. I don't know why she would be, I mean look at her, and she is perfect. Plus she's funny, charismatic, popular, she's everything I'm not," April's voice trailed off, "Anyways, prom's just this silly dance that doesn't really mean anything you know? Why do people get so worked up over it?"

"I guess its tradition. When else are we going to dress up all fancy and just be young and free for a night?"

"Any night of the week," April teased back.

"Very true, however, I still think it'd be fun to go. It is sort of a last hurrah." All of a sudden the lights went black and a projector was playing a screen show of their moments together. April was speechless, she knew exactly what Hudson was doing; he was promposing. She couldn't believe how oblivious she was; here she was dating a senior for three months of course he was going to ask her. As the slideshow played of them doing lab together and eating ice cream together, she began to tear up, then he knelt down on one knee and said, "April Kepner, you've been the greatest and only girlfriend I've ever had," April chuckled at the thought as he gently held her hand, "Would you do me the honor of going to prom with me?"

"Yes!" Her eyes beamed as she gave her boyfriend a kiss on the lips, she normally wasn't one for public displays of affection but sometimes she made an exception. She couldn't wait to tell her friends about what happened, but then she ran into Libby in the hallway.

"Libby, you'll never guess what happened! Hudson asked me to prom!" April practically screamed with joy.

"Are you kidding me April? Did you really not think he was going to ask you? Are you seriously that dense, God sometimes I can't believe I'm related to you," Libby harshly responded.

"You know what Libby, what is your problem? I'm sorry I made you late this morning, but whatever is going on with you, I didn't make it happen, so can you please stop?"

"Ducky, I'm not in the mood. Go to prom with your nerdy, Star Wars loving boyfriend, and at least give him head. You've been dating for too long for you to still be a prude." Libby said it loudly enough that the entire hallway had heard, April's face went red and she quickly ran away. Libby knew she had crossed a line, but had no desire to run after her perfect sister. Although Libby was far more popular at school, everyone, especially their parents, adored April. She volunteered at the elementary school teaching the kids about science, she helped out at the local animal shelter, and every summer she ran a summer camp with their local church. She was a model Moline citizen and it annoyed Libby to no end.

Six weeks later prom night came and both April and Libby were getting ready. April had purchased an evergreen colored dress with a sweetheart neckline that made her pale skin look porcelain like. She had dyed her hair red, which really brought out her hazel eyes. That morning she went and got her hair done, it was cascading in beautiful waves over her shoulder. She had simply eye makeup on, a small wing, light foundation, and a crisp red lip. When she looked in the mirror she hardly recognized herself, she looked like a completely different person. She paced a bit in her heels, trying to practice walking in them because falling on her prom night was the last thing she wanted.

"April, Hudson's here, come down." Her mom commanded, she was waiting at the foot of the stairs with her father, little sisters, and camera in hand. April walked down the stairs and it was the most surreal feeling in the world, she felt like a real princess where everyone was looking at her. She didn't know whether she should feel happy or embarrassed.

"Wow, you look, you look amazing," Hudson gasped.

"Thank you, you don't look half-bad yourself," she responded.

"Okay, picture time." Mrs. Kepner quickly grabbed her camera and started snapping away, so much so that April's father had to stop her.

"Karen, I think they've had enough. If you take anymore photos I think your finger's going to stay that way forever."

"Fine, fine. Okay hon, I love you. Have fun, be safe, and don't do anything I wouldn't do," Karen kissed her daughter goodbye.

"Take good care of her son," April's father gently, threatened Hudson. The two made their way into the car and towards their prom. Libby was getting there later; she had decided to get ready at her friends' house.

"I can't believe you're actually going to prom, Keps. It just doesn't seem like you," Hudson began, he had one hand on the steering wheel and the other was holding April's.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I don't know. I guess, when I met you this didn't seem to be your type of thing."

"I didn't think it was your type of thing either, but you asked me to go."

"I know. Do you want to skip?"

"Skip? My parents would kill me if I didn't go to the dance, plus Libby's going to be there, she would tell on me. Besides where would we go?"

"I have a place I want to show you, do you trust me? How about we go to the dance and then afterwards I'll take you out there, it'll be really special. What do you say?" April was hesitant for a moment, she had a feeling Hudson wanted to take her somewhere where the two of them could have sex, but she knew she wasn't ready. She started to feel slightly uncomfortable, but she didn't say anything, she just looked forward as he made his way towards their high school. Prom felt like just another school dance, with tacky décor and music, but instead of wearing normal clothes everyone had on floor length dresses. They stayed for about two hours before they decided to leave, and before she knew it they were out on the open road heading God knows where.

"Hudson, where are we going?"

"Somewhere safe. I want to show you where I go to think." April was confused, but she figured she should just roll with it, but before she could ask any more questions an eighteen-wheeler veered into their lane and crashed into their car head on. And the world went black. She regained consciousness a few minutes later; luckily she was wearing her seatbelt so she was okay. She didn't want to move; she had seen too many medical documentaries warning against moving and further injuring yourself. She looked over at Hudson, he was unresponsive, and she started to scream.

"Hudson! Hudson! Hudson, wake up! Come on, wake up!" panicked ensued. She tried to feel for a pulse, but there was none, never in her life had she felt more useless as she sat there waiting for an ambulance to come. She had no phone, no way to get a hold of anyone, and no one knew that she was going to be here. They were out on the highway, heading somewhere, anyone who would have cared expected her to be at the prom. So, April did the only thing that she thought she could do, she ran. She unbuckled her seatbelt, and got out of the car, she needed to go look for help. But, at the same time she couldn't bear the thought of sitting next to a dead man, logic told her he was dead, she couldn't feel a pulse and he hadn't moved an inch since the impact. His eyes were rolled into the back of his head, and his body was just limp. She leaned in and kissed him on the cheek, tears were streaming down hers, but a sense of calmness came over her.

"I love you, I never got to tell you that, but I do. I love you Hudson." And so, she walked down the side of the highway, at 10 o'clock at night, with her strappy heels in her hands. Her beautiful waves were now frizzy and covered with sweat, her dress was covered with blood; she couldn't tell if it was hers or Hudson's. Finally she saw a cop car and she flagged it down.

"Ma'am, what seems to be the problem?" The officer was bewildered; he was shocked at April's disheveled appearance.

"My boyfriend and I were in an accident, I came to get help, I needed to get help," she then collapsed to the ground.

The cop spoke into his walkie, "I have a priority-three, female in distress, says there's an accident up on county road k. I need backup stat." And that was the last thing she remembered. She woke up in the hospital bed with no injuries, how no one understood. But her parents had informed her that Hudson didn't survive his injuries, they thought April would have been devastated by the news, but she knew. She knew that he wasn't going to live and that there was nothing she could have done to save him. So, on that day she decided she was going to become a doctor, and try to save people. It was also the day that April became a little less peppy; she walked around like a small gray cloud followed her. It wasn't a massive change, but it was like a little bit of the April her family and community had grown to love had been chipped away.

Present

April had driven for two days, and she made her way to Hudson's secret spot. It was in a forest, a rarity in Moline, and she got out of her car and went to talk to him. His ashes had been spread here, per his parent's wishes.

"Hey," she softly said, "It's been a long time. I don't even know why I'm here. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I wish you were here, you'd know what to do." And it was as if he was could hear her, a small gust of wind rolled in and some leaves blew in her direction. And then she saw it, this small little alcove, and so she wandered into it. She saw a small box and she opened it, inside was a necklace that said, "I love you." She couldn't help but cry. How naïve she used to be, when she thought losing her boyfriend was the worst thing she could have experienced.

"Thank you, I think I know what I need to do." April got into her car and drove to Moline, she needed to go and see her parents. She pulled into the driveway and got out of the car and knocked on the front door, her mother opened the door and was completely shocked at her daughter's arrival.

"April? April, what are you doing here? Honey is everything alright?"

"No mom, it's not. I need you, I really need you." She collapsed into her mother's arms.

"Shh, shh, baby I've got you. It's okay, everything's going to be okay." And so, April spent the night with her parents, she told them about the army and how Jackson opposed her going.

"April, honey it's late. Why don't you get to bed and we can discuss this in the morning. Have you called Jackson, I'm sure he's worried sick about you," her mother said.

"He's not mom, he told me if I left that he was done."

"I'm sure he didn't mean it."

"Trust me, you didn't see the look on his face. He meant it. I just had to get out of there he was suffocating me. He made me feel like such a monster for not bonding with Delilah, but I can't. I can't make myself bond with her, I'm such a horrible mother aren't I?"

"No you're not, April. Don't say that. I'm sure he's worried about you. But we'll get a hold of him in the morning, you just need to get some rest, okay?"

"Okay." April headed up to bed, and quickly fell asleep. It was pretty late in the evening when the phone rang and Karen answered, it was Jackson.

"Hello?" she asked.

"Karen, it's Jackson. Please tell me April's there. She left the apartment two days ago and I haven't seen her, she won't answer her texts, and she didn't show up to her shift. I'm about to call the police, I'm just so worried."

"Jackson, calm down, she's here."

"Oh my God, thank you. You don't know how relieving that is. Okay, I'll fly out tomorrow and come and get her."

"I don't think that's a good idea."

"Why not? She's my wife. And her daughter needs her."

"April needs to be alone for a little while. It's what she does; it's what she's always done. She doesn't fight, Jackson, she flies. I know you don't understand, even I don't understand her at times, but I think she needs to go to Jordan," Karen explained.

"You can't be serious? Did she explain to you that she'd be in a warzone? She could die."

"She knows that. But right now April's not being useful at home, at work, in your marriage. She can't handle that. Jackson, if you love someone you let them go and if they come back to you that means they were always yours, and if they don't it means they never were. April loves you, if she didn't she wouldn't want to go. She'll come back to you, I know it."

"Just tell her I want her home, please. I just want to talk to my wife."

"I'll let her know. Good night Jackson."

"Goodnight."

A few days later April was back in Seattle, if she wanted to catch the next tour she'd have to leave the day after tomorrow. It was nice being home and being with her parents, they really put things into perspective and convinced her that going was a good idea. It would only be for six months and she would be doing something useful to get over her grief. They offered to help take care of Delilah in any way possible, as well. Her only remaining obstacle was Jackson. She was dreading opening the door to their apartment. She knew he was going to be pissed at her, she had just disappeared for five days without telling him or calling him, he probably was worried sick. As she turned the key and opened the door, the apartment was dark and no one was home. She turned the lights on and wandered inside. Everything looked the same, but something felt different. Nothing changed in the kitchen or their bedroom, then she saw it, Samuel's nursery. It was destroyed. The crib was in pieces, the stuffed animals were sprawled over the floor, and the rocking chair had been thrown into the wall. April collapsed to her knees and held her head in her hands, she didn't know he was hurting so bad, but there was nothing she could do to help him. Jackson came home and she went out into the kitchen to greet him.

"Hi," she softly whispered.

"Hi." He went over to her and kissed her, running his hand through her red hair. He was so relieved that she was safe and that he could hold her in his arms again.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have left. I know it was the wrong thing to do," she tried to explain herself.

"April you don't have to say anything, I want you to go."

"What? Why?"

"I may not understand it April, but I know you and I know you wouldn't make a decision like this without thinking it through. And I love you, and I took a vow to be with you in sickness and in health, if this is how you have to heal yourself then that's how it'll be. I already talked with Hunt and I'm taking the next two days off to help you get your things in order."

"Jackson, I can't believe you did that for me. Thank you, thank you." She held her husband tightly. Jackson forced a small smile, but inside he was breaking. He had to do this for her, but it didn't make it any easier. The next two days went by so fast, and now he and April were driving to the airport, in a few short hours she would be on a plane to Jordan and she wouldn't see him for six months, at least. He didn't know if he was ready, if he could handle being a single father, but he knew he had to support her. He walked her to the gate, with Delilah strapped to his chest in the adorable baby holder that Mark used to hold Sofia in.

"Okay, this is me," April said. She leaned in a kissed Delilah on the cheek, "You be good for your daddy, I love you." She then looked into Jackson's eyes, they were filled with sadness and anger, but April couldn't see it. "I love you more than words can say."

"I know. I love you too," he responded as he held her and kissed her gently, but passionately, "But you have to go or you'll miss your flight."

"Wait, I want to give you something." She handed him her red journal, with all her notes about Samuel.

"What's this?"

"Something that I hope will help you heal. Don't read it until you get home. I love you, Jackson."

"I love you too," he gave her one last kiss goodbye and she headed towards security. He waited for her to get through and she turned around and gave him one last wave goodbye. He then headed into his car and drove home, still perplexed by the red notebook. He opened it and the first page had a small necklace taped inside of it, and it said "I love you" and a small note written by April.

The worst day of my life was the car accident I had with my boyfriend, who died on impact, then I lost my son…

Jackson then started to read the journal and tears came to his eyes, he had no idea that this was how she was feeling, it made him feel utterly broken. He finished the journal and the last page said,

I love you Jackson, I'll always come back to you. Always.

He lost it, tears streamed down his face. He went into Delilah's room and went to tuck her in for the night; he looked at his beautiful, sweet daughter and said to her, "It's you and me." Kissed her goodnight, and turned out the lights.


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: Thank you all for reading this story, I know the next two chapters are going to be rough for Japril fans, but trust me I'm trying to grow this story and develop the relationship. I will post chapter 15 once I get 50 reviews, and please add a review. I read every comment and will take direction into account. I know a lot of you don't like April for leaving and being selfish, and neither do I, but there's going to be a purpose to it. I promise. Also, please let me know what chapter lengths you guys prefer, long or short? Xoxo –R.**

 _One Week after April Left:_

"Meredith, we need to leave now, I have my craniotomy in an hour," Derek pestered Meredith who was still in her pajamas and cooped up in the bathroom with Zola.

"Come on, Zo. Go pee pee, pee pee in the potty," she clapped. Derek came in to see his wife cheering their daughter on, which made him giggle. He couldn't have imagined that this would have been his life a few years ago. Back then he was still married to Addison and living in New York City with her, he firmly believed the best thing that happened to him was her cheating. If it weren't for that, he never would have accepted Richard's offer to be chief of neuro at Seattle Grace, and he never would have met the love of his life, Meredith Grey.

"We're going to be late aren't we?" He smiled and Meredith gave him an apologetic look, "I'll just have Amelia take the surgery." Bailey started crying from his room and Derek went to go get him. He was almost eleven weeks old and he kept his parents fairly busy. Besides the needing to wake up every three hours to feed him, Bailey was a good and calm baby.

"Meredith," Derek called, "I think he needs to be fed and my boobs are no good for him." Derek came back into the bathroom holding their son in his arms, the sight of which made Meredith laugh. Their morning had gone from slightly busy, to now hilariously stressful.

"I'll get him," she took Bailey from Derek and kissed him, "Crap! Zola's daycare has world travel day and I forgot to put the fish sticks in the over, could you please?"

"Okay, Meredith," Derek rolled his eyes at his wife's forgetfulness.

"Thank you. We'll only be a little bit, then we can get going," she explained. The past two months of maternity leave had been nice, but Meredith's hands were meant for cutting, not folding laundry. She was bored out of her skull staying home, and if Derek hadn't taken time off too, she surely would have gone mad from the boredom and lack of stimulating, adult conversation. Both of them had been back at work, full time for three weeks now and it certainly was an adjustment.

The morning had been slightly rough for Jackson Avery, Delilah wouldn't sit still, she had two terrible poopy diapers, and he had to change her three times because of it. It was hard, to say the least, but he was starting to get the hang of it. He was starting to get to know his daughter and bond with her, and right now he didn't know how he would survive without her. He had taken a week off of work to get him settled after April had left. He called his mom, who came to visit, but she had to get back to Boston for a conference this week. Jackson wasn't ready to face Seattle Grace Mercy West and all the questions that would ensue. He was Jackson Avery, supposed hotshot plastic surgeon, whose wife left him. Something about it felt pathetic and he didn't know whether he should have been angry or grateful. He loved her and he knew she loved him, but the thought kept creeping into his mind, maybe love wasn't enough.

Avery walked into the hospital where he saw Dr. Sloan and Dr. Hunt discussing a case at the nurse's station and before he could bolt to the nursery to avoid the awkward conversation he was about to have, Dr. Sloan shouted, "Avery, my man! Where have you been?"

"No where, just getting some things in order," he shyly responded, he kicked himself for feeling so embarrassed about April leaving.

"Where's April, I didn't see her in the pit this morning," Mark asked, causing Owen to look down at the ground in shame.

"Ask Owen," Jackson responded coldly before leaving and heading upstairs.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Mark looked to Owen who was still pretty quiet.

"Mark, April's not coming back. She joined the army, she's in Jordan."

"Kepner? April Kepner? In the army?" Mark's voice was filled with disbelief, "The woman who just had a baby?"

"Yeah, she came to me and said that she couldn't handle being in Seattle and asked if there was anything I could do for her, so I let her know about the program in Jordan. You should have seen her, never in my life have I seen a person more broken," Owen tried to justify his actions in his head, but he felt so guilty for helping April abandon her responsibilities.

"Man, how could you do that to Avery?"

"I didn't do it to Avery, I did it to help her. You don't know what it's like to lose a child like that," Owen's voice was starting to get shaky.

"And you do?"

"I know what it feels like to lose someone, don't we all?" Owen walked away from Mark who just stood there in disbelief.

Callie and Arizona had been in counseling for three months now, and they had been making progress. It was a slow process, but one that the both of them knew they needed if they wanted their marriage to work and despite the almost cheating, they both did.

"Callie!" Mark called from down the hall, "Stop, I need to talk to you two!"

"Is it about Sofia? I swear, I packed her a second outfit," Arizona answered.

"No, no everything's fine with Sofia. It's April. She left. She joined the army," he explained. The woman stood there, mouths open, in disbelief.

"No she didn't. She's just been at home with Jackson, come on Mark try starting a better rumor," Arizona said.

"It's true. Don't believe me then go ask Jackson or Owen, he's the one who set it up."

"Wait Mark, I do believe you, but come on, it's Kepner; sweet, innocent, virgin until 29 years old, Kepner. She would never leave Jackson, she's not that selfish," Callie stated.

"Well, she did. And he's not happy about it. Can you believe it, he has to raise his daughter all by himself, not like he wasn't doing that when she was here, but still." Mark knew the struggle his prodigy was going through and in a way he hated April for all the pain she had caused him. When Sofia was born, after Callie's car accident, Mark was so scared that she wouldn't make it and it made him grow an appreciation for human life. Now, that his wife was pregnant too, he had even more appreciation for it, and the fact that April could abandon her child with no regret made him furious, furious for Jackson and Delilah and everyone else April was leaving behind so she could deal with her own grief.

"That just doesn't seem like her," Arizona tried to defend her friend, "I mean she would have told me if she was struggling, like this." And as she said that, Jackson walked past his mentor and heard them gossiping, he wanted to walk away and ignore it, but couldn't.

"I don't know what you guys are saying, but yes April did leave and she's in Jordan. She'll be back in six months, and I'm supporting her through this. She's not a bad person, so please stop saying so," he angrily told his former attendings off and then went on his way. He was trying to squash the rumor mill before it even got started, but this was Seattle Grace Mercy West and rumors flew faster than a jet plane.

The rumor mill was flying and soon all of Jackson's friends had heard about April leaving and were talking about it in the cafeteria.

"Can you believe it?" Meredith asked Cristina.

"No, not even for a second," she responded.

"I always knew Kepner was crazy, but not this crazy," Alex added.

"What is Jackson going to do, we have to help him," Meredith said.

"What are we supposed to do?" Cristina genuinely asked.

"I don't know, but I can't help but feel that this is my fault. I'm the one who pushed them together, I told him to go for it. And he was so scared of getting his heart broken and being abandoned. I did this to him," Meredith felt incredibly guilty over the situation. She had pushed Jackson further than she had ever pushed him before, because she was using her own mistakes to cloud her judgment.

"You couldn't have known that their baby would die and that April would leave, this isn't your fault Mer," Alex tried to comfort her.

"I know that, logically I know that, but it's still hard."

"What's hard," Lexie asked.

"You didn't hear? Kepner left Avery," Cristina chimed in.

"She what?" Lexie was shocked.

"She didn't leave Avery, she just joined the army," Meredith tried to defend April a bit.

"Still, she's gone? How could April abandon her daughter like that?" Lexie was still at a loss regarding the entire situation.

"I don't know. She must have had a good reason, right?" Meredith tried to get some reassurance from Cristina.

"There's no reason good enough to abandon your husband and child, none in the world," Cristina snapped back.

"I know," Meredith responded. She wanted to hate April, she wanted to personally fly out to Jordan and kick her ass for leaving Jackson and Delilah. But at the same time, she knew what it felt like to be broken, to not have anyone to turn to. And as much as Meredith could try to sympathize with April regarding her situation, she could never actually understand what it meant to lose a child. And, so Meredith couldn't hate her, she couldn't talk about April like she was this cruel, heartless bitch, when in fact if Meredith had lost Bailey she didn't know if she would have done the same thing.

Meredith had just finished her appendectomy, although it was a simple procedure, it felt nice to be in an O.R. again. It was weird how much you appreciate something so little and ordinary when it's not there anymore. It was like with her mother, growing up under Ellis Grey's shadow and constant need of perfection made Meredith feel like she was suffocating, but when her mother died she felt like a piece of her had died too. But somehow, being away from the O.R. made her appreciate it even more, and just like losing her mother made her appreciate having Derek and Cristina and Alex and everyone else she loved in her life.

"Meredith," Richard Webber was walking down the hall, he had been the closest thing to a father figure for her over the past few years at Seattle Grace. He had been the one who broke up her parent's marriage, and instead of staying with her mother he decided to stay with his wife, Adele. He was a good man in a storm, and she couldn't make herself hate him for doing what he thought was right.

"Good afternoon, Dr. Webber," she greeted him kindly.

"Looks like we have a pretty good board today, Chief Hunt's doing an excellent job."

"Yes he is."

"So, how has it been? Being back at work? Everything going well at home?" When Meredith first met Weber and discovered that he had been the one who her mother was having an affair with, she couldn't help but hate him. He was the man who ruined her childhood, but after all the tragedy that had struck her and the rest of the hospital she opened up to him about her life.

"It's been good, Derek and the kids are great. How's Adele doing, is the new medication working for her?" Richard Weber's wife, Adele, had been diagnosed with early on-set Alzheimer's, just like her mother. Life was surely playing a cruel trick on Richard Weber.

"It's doing it's job, she's still having a difficult time remembering who I am, but I'm taking it day by day," he explained.

"I'm here if you need anything."

"I know that, Meredith, thank you."

 _Six Months Later_

Jackson and April had made weekly phone calls to one another and sent letters as frequently as possible. He wanted to keep her updated on the hospital, on Delilah, and everything else that she was missing while she was there.

"So, I have everything set up for you for when you get home," he started the conversation.

"Jackson," April began, her voice was softer than normal, which worried him, and "I don't think I'm ready to come home I'm doing so much good her and they really need me, they're so short on doctors as it is," she started to ramble.

"But don't you think I need you? That our daughter needs you?" He was so hurt by her confession, but he wasn't that surprised by it. Her letters had become less frequent and they were becoming more and more detached in their content. She was slipping away and he didn't know if he had the strength to fight for her return.

"Jackson, I know that. Don't you think I know that I'm supposed to be home? That they way I'm feeling is wrong? I don't think you can begin to understand how guilty I feel."

"Good, you should feel guilty. You abandoned your responsibilities and I let you because I love you. But April, if you stay I don't know how much longer I can wait."

"I told you I'd always come back to you, I'm not the woman you fell in love with, it'd be cruel of me to make you stay with me when I'm like this."

"I love all of you April, even the parts I don't like. You've got to stop beating yourself up about yourself. You're not perfect, but who is? But, God April you can't keep running away from your problems, not when your family needs you."

"I can't," her voice broke, "Jackson I'm so sorry. I thought at the end of six months that I'd be ready to come back, but I'm not."

"I understand." Jackson hung up the phone.


	15. Chapter 15- Short Chapter

**A/N: Hi everyone, just wanted to write a short excerpt for today, so sorry for the length the next chapters will be longer I promise. Once again, I appreciate every review and hope you all have a great day! Xoxo –R.**

The days were getting longer and longer and not having April next to him in bed when he woke up, was getting too hard for Jackson to bear. Her original plan was to be in Jordan for six months and as much as he hated the idea, he supported her because he was a good husband. Now, she had extended her tour twice and it had been almost two years since she left him. The phone calls became less frequent, the letters too, soon April stopped asking him about Delilah. He was filled with anger; she had abandoned him, which he could handle. He loved her, yes, but he was Jackson Avery he could find someone else. The hospital was flooding with intelligent, well-spoken women who would have loved to be with him, but he ignored every one of their attempts to date him. He still held out hope that April would come home, naively. But he could not forgive her for abandoning their daughter, she was two now and April had not even sent a card or called, which infuriated Jackson to no end.

"Morning, sweetheart. How was your sleep?" He asked his daughter as he reached to kiss her good morning.

"Up, up daddy!" She oohed; she was the spitting image of him and April. She had his curly hair, but her auburn eyes, and his dark skin. She was beautiful, and it pained him that April wasn't seeing her, but April left.

"Alright, let's get up and get going. We have an early surgery with Uncle Sloan, this morning."

"Yay." Delilah loved surgery and Jackson snuck her into the gallery as often as possible, which Owen disapproved of, but Jackson was a major board member and representative of the Harper Avery Foundation so he could do what he wanted. Not to mention that it was partially Owen's fault that his wife had left and never come back.

Jackson was about to leave for the hospital when his phone rang, and Owen's number came up on his caller I.D.

"Chief, is there a reason you're calling my personal number?"

"Yeah, Jackson, I don't know how to say this," he was struggling to get his words out.

"Chief you're sort of freaking me out. Is there a problem at the hospital, is everything okay?"

"Everything's fine at the hospital, no it's not that. It's April."

"I really don't think it's appropriate to talk about April, she's still in Jordan last I heard."

"Jackson, April's been in an army reserve hospital in Switzerland for three months, she just woke up from a coma. That's why she hasn't been communicating with you. From what I know there was an attack and she suffered severe head trauma, broken back, but you need to get to Switzerland."

"Is that all you know, you have to know more? How come no one from the army contacted me when she went missing?"

"They didn't know she was missing, Jackson. I'm sorry."

"I have to go and see her. I just, I can't even think straight."

"It's okay. I have everything arranged for you, your surgeries have been given to Sloan and your flight is this evening. If you need to bring Delilah with I have a ticket for her as well, if not I can help you make other arrangements," Owen explained.

"Thank you. I'll have my mother take care of her." Jackson dropped the phone; he had no idea what to think. He had felt so, incredibly, guilty for how angry he had felt for the past few months. He knew April had changed and had her own demons to work out, but he still kept a small sliver of hope that April would come back to him. He opened his top dresser drawer and read the last page of the notebook she gave to him on the day she left, _I love you Jackson, and I'll always come back to you. Always._

He began to pack himself and Delilah a bag, and drove over to his mother's fifteen minutes later. Catherine had finally swallowed her pride and moved to Seattle to be with her husband Richard Weber. They had begun seeing each other when Jackson took his boards, but weren't too serious until Richard's wife had passed. It had been a little over a year since Adele died from heart complications, on the night of Bailey and Ben's wedding no less.

"Jackson, what on earth are you doing here? It's 6:00 in the morning," a clearly puzzled Catherine asked her son.

"Mom, something's happened to April," the words felt like lumps caught in his throat.

"Baby, what is it?"

"She was attacked, and now she's in a hospital in Switzerland and I have to go and see her. Can you take care of Delilah while I'm gone."

"What do you mean she was attacked? When did this happen?" Catherine was a barrel of questions, but Jackson didn't know how many he would be able to answer.

"Owen just called me this morning. He didn't know much; all he knew was that she was in a coma and that she'd just woken up. He knew nothing more."

"Oh my God, baby, I don't know what to say. And of course I'll help take care of Delilah, you take all the time you need to go and help April."

"I can't help but think this was my fault," he began.

"What do you mean?"

"I was so angry at her for leaving and then when she extended her tour a second time I was done. I told her if anything happened to her that I didn't care, that when she came back, if she came back, that I wanted a divorce."

"Honey, she knows you didn't mean that."

He looked down at the floor, shamefully, "I did though. I sent her divorce papers, signed them and everything. She got them before the accident. But mom, I'm really scared, what if she's not okay? What if she doesn't forgive me?"

"You can't worry about that now. You need to go and be with her and tell her how much you love her, do you?"

"I don't know. I honestly don't know."


	16. Chapter 15 part 2

This is part two of chapter 15 and the beginning of part two of the story. I'm not sure how many parts I want to make, but if everyone keeps reading and reviewing I'll certainly add more to it! Hope you all have good weeks and look forward to hearing your feedback! Xoxo –R.

Meredith Grey had settled into her life as a mother of three, she had given birth to her daughter Ellis Alexandra three months ago and had recently returned to work. Lexie was also back at Seattle Grace Mercy West as a Neuro fellow, she had taken a little time off when she had her and Mark's son Christopher Thatcher Sloan, but was back in the swing of things soon after. Lexie, like Meredith, craved the O.R. and could not function properly without it, much to the dismay of their husbands who wanted their wives to take it easy, especially after birth. But neither of them would have it. The hospital was where they belonged; good or bad.

"Have any of you seen Avery today? He's supposed to come in and give a consult on my patient," Alex wondered. He and Jo had gotten married, during April's absence, something no one saw coming for Alex especially after what had happened with Izzy.

"You haven't heard?" Cristina responded.

"Heard what?" Lexie added.

"He's heading to Switzerland, Owen got a phone call from Teddy this morning. Apparently April was in some kind of accident and was in a coma for three months and that's why she wasn't calling Avery or responding to his letters." They all went silent for a moment, each pondering how they had thought about April.

"All this time, she's been hurt? And alone?" Lexie was chocking on tears. She had never been the biggest fan of April's, but she never would have wanted April to go through something like this, never.

"Why do people keep dying?" Meredith muttered under her breath.

"She's not dead, but Teddy couldn't give Owen any updates. She just saw April and thought she should call Owen, Teddy's not even her doctor," Cristina explained.

"What on earth did April do to deserve this? It's like the universe is out to get us, it just isn't fair," Lexie cried.

"Lexie, no one's saying it is fair. But she did leave Jackson," Meredith added.

"Yeah she left him and Delilah, which was wrong," Alex pointed out.

"I know, but," Lexie took a breath, "But she was so broken. I mean we all saw it, right? April was so carefree, peppy, happy, and when she lost Samuel she became like this shell of herself. Dead but walking. It was creepy, it wasn't her. So, if she wanted to go and join the army, which I think is a remarkable sacrifice to make, then she should have if that's what she thought was going to save her."

"All April thought about was saving herself, though. Not Jackson or Delilah. I lived with him for a few months after she left and let me tell you, he did not take it well," Alex said. He had offered to move in with Jackson in order to help his former roommate out, because that's what friends did. "You should have seen him with Delilah, it was heartbreaking, listening to him explain to her where her mother was."

"And all this time we've thought the worst of her," Meredith looked down at the ground.

"I know," Cristina said.

Jackson had made it to the airport and could not stop pacing as he waited at the gate for boarding to begin. He had called April's parents on the drive over and had offered to get them tickets to Switzerland, but they insisted he go first and that they would come by the end of the week. It was heartbreaking to hear her mother's voice on the phone, it was almost as if she knew that April was hurt, call it mother's intuition.

"Boarding class A, for flight AF4256 to Geneva," an airline crew number called on the loud speaker.

"This is me," he thought to himself. He didn't know why he was scared to see April; in a way he was afraid to see her. The last time they had talked they had a huge fight and he had sent her divorce papers. He probably was the last person who she wanted to see, but he needed closure and to see if she was all right. The past could be worked out, their issues could be talked about, but it would be all for nothing if April wasn't there to fix them with him. Just the thought of April not being around made him shiver; this simple incomplete feeling went down his spine. Sure, he had spent the past two years of his daughter's life as a single father and he had loved every minute being with her, but there was always something missing, April. She had hurt him in a way that was indescribable and, quite frankly, unforgiveable. And it hurt him and made him feel like an idiot that despite all she had done that he was still in love with her.

"Prepare for takeoff," the captain said, and now all Jackson had to do was sit and wait. Thirteen hours and he'd be there, a few more and he'd be able to see her and look at her face. God how he missed her face, her smile, her hazel eyes, everything about her made him smile.

 _Flashback_

" _April, I don't understand why you're doing this, again," the words were coming out of his mouth like daggers. How dare she extend her tour a second time, hadn't she had enough?_

" _I don't think you understand, Jackson," she was trying to remain calm and not cry; because she knew if she cried that she'd lose all ground._

" _Enlighten me then," he rebutted._

" _It's just that there's so much work to be done here, I'm really needed her Jackson. I promise I'll be back by the end of the year; it's just a few more months. Can't you please do that for me?"_

" _No, I can't April. You said it was a few months last time and the time before that. Just admit it, you're abandoning your responsibilities. It's like you've forgotten that you have a husband and a daughter," he angrily spat at her._

" _Don't you dare suggest that I've forgotten about our daughter, not even for one second. I think about you and her constantly, everyday Jackson," she began to tear up._

" _I find that hard to believe. Where were you when she took her first steps, where were you when she was crying in the middle of the night, and you know worst of all I have to explain to her why her mother isn't with her because you could be and you choose not to be. I grew up knowing my father abandoned me, I'm not going to let our daughter feel the same way. So, either you come home at the end of the month like you said you would or I want a divorce." His words took April completely off guard; she was expecting him to be angry, of course, but a divorce? No one in her family had gotten divorced, not even her sister Libby and Matt and they argued daily like cats and dogs._

" _Jackson, I refuse to get a divorce," she tried to force the words out._

" _Then come home." The words were filled with pain, and she could see it in his eyes that he was hurting, but she wasn't done healing, not yet._

" _I can't do that. Jackson, I'm sorry, but you're putting me into a corner."_

" _You've put yourself into a corner." Suddenly there was crying from Delilah's room, "I've got to go and take care of Delilah, I'll talk to my lawyer and get back to you."_

" _Jackson please this isn't what I want, can't you just talk to me?"_

" _No, I can't. I have to take care of our daughter, I'm the only parent she has." He shut his computer, hanging up on a very stunned and hurt April._

 _End Flashback_

Jackson had arrived at the army hospital in Geneva, Switzerland. Normally, he enjoyed hospitals: the clean floors, the simple busyness of a doctor's daily routine, the quietness yet crowdedness of the halls. However, he'd rarely been in a hospital as a family member and his heart was beating at a hundred miles a minute.

"Hello, Dr. Avery?" A gentleman probably around Mark's age came up to Jackson as he was trying to figure out where the I.C.U. was in the hospital.

"Yes?" Jackson was confused, how did this man know him?

"I'm Sergeant Miller, I need to discuss a few things with you about your wife. Would you come with me?"

"Certainly," Jackson agreed. The man led him to a conference room where there was a court stenographer and a few members of the medical staff.

"What is this?" He asked.

"Dr. Avery, we need to disclose your wife's condition and the medical treatment that she will be needing in the upcoming months," Dr. Quinn explained.

"Okay," he hesitatingly responded.

"Dr. Avery, your wife was at the camp when a raid occurred. The enemy had fired at them for thirty minutes and also set off some grenades, your wife was shot in the back and leg, and suffered head trauma from the grenade blast. Due to the communication systems being down, it took our team about four hours to get to her and the other survivors. We're deeply sorry, Dr. Avery, but these things aren't preventable," he put his hand on Avery's shoulder who was now at a loss for words, "She was a remarkable doctor and a necessary asset to our team. You should be very proud of her bravery." And then Sergeant Miller left the room.

"Dr. Avery, do you need a minute?" Dr. Quinn asked.

"No, no I'm fine. How is she?"

"The bullet in her leg was a through and through, so when she arrived we preformed surgery on her. However, the bullet in her spine proved to be more difficult," Dr. Quinn started to explain.

"Is, is she paralyzed?" Jackson feared her answer.

"We can't know for certain. We've been giving her tests and she does seem to respond to stimulus, however, I'm unsure if she'll be able to walk again. She'll need rigorous physical therapy to do so."

"So, she can't do surgery anymore?"

"I'm afraid no. Her career as a surgeon is over."

"Does she know?"

"No, we thought it'd be best if you were there to give her support. She's not fully back yet, I don't think she's at a place where she can handle that kind of news."

"What do you mean not fully back yet? And what about her head injury, I was told she was in a coma for three months."

"Yes, she has been in a coma for a few months. We've been monitoring her progress and it doesn't seem like there is any loss of brain function, however, there is some memory loss. She's only been awake for a couple of days and so not everything is there for her."

"How much does she remember?"

"She knows who she is, she knows that she was a surgeon who worked at Seattle Grace Mercy West hospital," Dr. Quinn stalled.

"Does she know that I'm her husband?"

"No. When I told her that her husband was coming she was confused and became disoriented. She knows that you're coming, and at the mention of your name she lit up. She remembers you as her best friend, not her husband. I'm terribly sorry. But these things should improve with time, I'm positive she'll get her memory back."

"Okay," Jackson was simply stunned at everything that had just happened, "Can you please take me to see her now. I want to see my wife."

"Sure, come with me." And Dr. Quinn led him out of the room and the two of them headed towards the elevator. It had been two years since he had been in the same room as April Kepner, two painfully long years. He wanted nothing more that to see her, be with her, hold her in his arms, but this was never the homecoming he had imagined in his head.

"Okay, this is her room, I'll give you two some privacy." This was it, now he had to face her.


	17. Chapter 16

A/N: Hi everyone, here's the next chapter! I noticed there were no reviews on the previous chapter, so could you guys let me know if you're still interested in the continuation of this story? Thanks! –R.

 _Could it be that everything goes round by chance_

 _Or only one way it was always meant to be_

 _You kill me you always know the perfect thing to say_

 _Hey hey_

 _I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away_

He hadn't seen her in months, he pictured what she looked like in his head, how much she could have changed. She looked unrecognizable to him, he'd never seen her in a hospital bed like this, weak, helpless, it took him a moment to gather himself and go inside the room to see her. He wasn't ready. He wasn't ready to be her husband, not in the way she would need him to be. Right now, in this moment Jackson wanted more than anything to run, run away from her and their problems. It would have been the easier thing to do, but it was also what a coward would do and he was no coward. So, he braced himself and stepped into her hospital room.

"Jackson, is that you? What are you doing here; I thought my parents were coming?" A confused April started talking. Her voice sounded the same as he remembered, slightly nasally, but sweet.

"They're in Seattle taking care of some things, so they sent me," he calmly responded. He was told not to tell her about Delilah because it would offset her progress. He looked at her hand and noticed her wedding ring was missing, they must have taken it off in surgery he thought to himself.

"That makes no sense. Jackson why are you here?"

"April, I'm your emergency contact," he began, "Do I tell her," he thought?

"Why? And also, what am I doing in a hospital in Switzerland? Switzerland of all places? I've kept asking the doctors and nurses and they said it's best if you just explain it, so please go ahead and explain it."

"What's the last thing you remember?"

"Getting up and ready for my first day as an attending, anything after that I keep drawing a blank. Like, I know that it's been years logically, but I just can't remember what happened. Jackson," her voice sounded like an angel's, "what happened to me?"

"You joined the army and you got into an accident. You were a doctor in Jordan and you've been there for over two years."

"Me, in the army? You're kidding?" She looked into his eyes and saw nothing but pain; clearly there was something more going on about the army thing.

"I wish I were. But you went to Owen one day and asked to join; you never really gave me specifics onto what prompted you to do so. But, I knew you needed to go, it was the right thing for you to do."

"I wouldn't just uproot my entire life, my friends, my career, and most certainly not my family because of a patient. Jackson, what really happened, you can tell me."

"I'm not sure I can April. You weren't healed from it before your accident and it'd been two years. I can't put you through it again, you may never come back from it."

"What do you mean? What happened? Jackson, you're scaring me."

"It changed you, you know? The way you talked, the bounce in your step disappeared; everything that I loved about you became clouded by it. You were like a shell of yourself, and I knew I had to be there to support you, but God April it was so hard."

"Jackson, you're my friend, my burdens were mine to bear, not yours."

"I'm not your friend April, I'm your husband. We go married in October, almost three years ago."

"You and me are married? Seriously?" She looked at him with her doe-like hazel eyes, "Wow," she whispered to herself. She had never imagined that she, annoying, shrill, April Kepner would get married and especially not to a man like Jackson Avery.

"Yeah, we're married," he didn't dare tell her about the divorce papers, it wasn't the time or the place.

"So, why did we get married? Three years ago was only a little bit after the start of us being attendings."

"You were pregnant. That's what prompted me to propose, but I had always wanted to. I loved you April, I still do, despite everything."

"Pregnant? I had a baby?"

"Yes, she's at home with my mother." And at this moment April started to ball. She didn't know what to do with her, how selfish was she to leave her husband and daughter for two years? How was he here, helping her? He should hate her he should want her dead. She would want her dead.

"Please get out," she managed to croak out through her tears.

"April? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you."

"I just need you to go, please Jackson." And so he took his hand from hers and walked out the door, but before he left he turned around and said to her, "I'm not leaving you. I'll never let you go again."

"Do you have Chris's bag?" Lexie shouted from the living room. She was in a rush to get to the hospital. It had been so long since she was healthy and ready to operate, that now every chance she had to get a scalpel in her hand, she pounced at it.

"It's right here," Mark replied as he kissed his wife good morning, "You have a tumor removal this morning?"

"Yes I do. My patient's been waiting forever for this," she was beaming with joy. Lexie had passed her boards last year, after taking a year off. For most people, they would have lost all of their knowledge, but she was lexiepedia and her photographic memory came in handy. She was worried, at first about getting back into the O.R. because it had been so long since she had preformed surgery, but it was just like riding a bike. The stiches; the movements, the dance that was surgery was built into her muscle memory.

"Well it's a good thing that they have you to make them well," Mark teased as he put his hands around her waist and turned her around quickly.

"Mark!" Lexie squealed, "Chris is going to see!"

"He's just a baby Lexie, come on, let's get you upstairs."

"No Mark!" He kissed her quickly, and before she could protest again he had grabbed her and put her legs around him. Her hands were now caressing his shirtless body, while she continued to kiss him.

"What on earth did I do to deserve a husband like you?"

"Who knows?" He laughed as he shut the door to their bedroom.

Alex Karev had been living with Jo Wilson for about a year now; it had been necessary for him to move out of the bachelor pad that was his old apartment. He had always been a bachelor, never really getting too committed to relationships. Especially after what happened with Izzy and how she couldn't trust him. But Jo was different. She was sassy, free-spirited, and wasn't afraid to challenge him and he liked that. He did feel a little odd compared to his friends who were all married with children, he'd never admit it out loud but he wanted that. He wanted to be a dad and have kids and go to the baseball games or the plays they put on.

"How's living with Jo going?" Cristina asked him.

"It's the same, how are you and your husband?" He rebutted.

"You guys talking about me," Jo came up from behind Alex and kissed him, "I was thinking chicken parmesan for dinner. Sound good?"

"Yeah, that sounds fine. I have a surgery this afternoon, but I'll text you if it goes late."

"Okay, I have one with Bailey right now, so I have to run."

"Do that, otherwise Bailey will give you scut for a week." Alex said to his girlfriend.

"Wow, she's cooking for you, how good are you in bed?" Cristina teased him.

"For your information, I'm fantastic Yang. And I cook for her too; it's a mutual thing. But, I think I'm going to ask her to marry me tonight."

"Evil spawn, you're not?"

"He's not what?" Meredith Grey asked. She was holding Ellis in her arm, while Derek held onto Zola and Bailey's hands, "Here can you take her up to day care?" she gestured to Derek. He took Ellis without hesitation and after saying hello to Yang and Karev, went on his way to daycare.

"I'm going to propose to Jo."

"You are? Why?" Meredith asked, shocked at the idea that Alex Karev of all people would want to propose to someone.

"That's what I said," Cristina agreed with Meredith, "It just doesn't seem right for him to get married. It's not who he is."

"Could you two stop talking about me like I'm not here. In case you don't remember I have been married before, I'm perfectly capable of having a serious relationship with a woman."

"Yeah, but were you ever really in love with Izzy or did you marry her because of the cancer?" Meredith asked him.

"I actually loved her. Really, truly loved her and she stomped on that. But Jo is different, she's nothing like Izzy."

"Yeah," Cristina sprawled out.

"Okay, so how are you going to propose to her? If you're going to do it, you may as well do it right."

"Well, I was going to take her out on a ferry boat cruise where we'd go out and see the northern lights. She has this thing for the stars and stuff like that."

"Damn, evil spawn, I'd probably say yes to you, if you proposed to me like that," Cristina added.

"It's not too cheesy?"

"No, not at all," Meredith answered, "I think it's sweet. But, is Jo ready for marriage, she's still pretty young?"

"I don't need to get married tomorrow. I just don't want to be stuck, and now I feel stuck. I'm too old to not be moving forward with my life. I mean look at you two, when we started our residencies did you expect to be married, and you married with three kids?"

"It's not how I pictured my life when I was younger, but now I can't imagine it any other way," Meredith answered.

"I got married because I was scared, Alex, just make sure you're doing it for the right reasons," Cristina warned.

"I am."

Jackson had been walking around the hospital for hours. He had talked with April's doctors who told him that there was nothing he could have done. She was going to need time to remember everything, even Samuel. He didn't have the heart to tell her, whether it was for selfish or selfless reasons. He didn't want her to experience the pain of knowing that her son died, of remembering the last few moments of his life where she held him and sang to him. He didn't want her to remember the screaming she did at night, the complete emptiness she felt, and the nursery that was destroyed from their pain and anger. She wasn't herself. But he knew not telling her was selfish of him, because right now he had the old April back. And he missed her, oh God how he missed her. His phone rang and he saw it was his mother.

"Hi baby, I've got Delilah on the phone if you want to talk to her."

"Yeah, I do."

"Hi Daddy."

"Hey baby girl," he could barely keep himself from crying, he hadn't been away from her for more than a day since she was born and he missed her like crazy.

"I miss you."

"I miss you too, sweetheart. I love you."

"I lub you too."

"How's April doing, baby?" Catherine had taken the phone from Delilah.

"She needs rehab to learn to walk again, I'm not sure if she'll ever be able to operate again. Dammit, I didn't tell her that."

"Wait, April doesn't know about all of her injuries?"

"She hit her head during the commotion and she has amnesia. She didn't remember being married to me, or why she joined the army, or even Delilah. And when I told her about Delilah she just started crying and told me to get out of her room."

"Did you tell her about?"

"No," Jackson interrupted her, "I don't think I can. Not yet."

"She's going to remember sometime."

"I know. But right now, it feels like I have my wife back and I just want to hold onto it for a little while longer."

"Jackson, baby, you know that's just an illusion. The April you fell in love with is still in there, she'll come back to you. They always do. You just have to be patient."

"I've been waiting so long, mom. I don't think I can wait any longer. I was ready to divorce her before the accident."

"Now what do you want to do?"

"I don't know. Is it naïve of me to hold out hope that she'll be the same?"

"Yes, Jackson. You know that."

"I can't believe I was ready to say goodbye to her. God, just seeing her, I can't imagine not spending the rest of my life with her, but I don't know if I can trust her."

"I know, baby. But you have to stay strong, for her and Delilah. Just give her time, everything will be okay, I promise."

"Thanks mom."

"Now get off the phone with me, and go talk to your wife."

"Hey," Jackson softly said as he came back into her room.

"What is it Jackson?"

"I told you I wasn't going anywhere."

"How can you even stand to look at me, how are you not boiling over in anger?"

"Trust me April, I was angry. I guess I still am. But right now, I need to put my anger aside and be your husband and help you recover. It's going to take months, I've already talked about bringing you back to Seattle and doing your rehab there, if you'd like."

She hesitated for a moment, "Yeah. I think I'd like that."

"Good, and I have this for you." He took out her red journal from his bag, he had been adding to it since she left. Every single day he wrote about Delilah, about his surgeries, and most of all about him missing her, "Even though you were gone, I never stopped loving you."

"What is this?" She was confused as he handed her the journal.

"It's yours. I've added to it a bit, but I think it's best if you tell yourself about what happened. I'll see you tomorrow, April." He started to walk away as she began to read the journal and then he heard her. She screamed a blood-curdling scream, and her sobbing became very intense, but Jackson kept walking forward as a single tear streamed down his face and he left the hospital.


	18. Chapter 17

**A/N: Sorry this chapter took so long to put out; I've just been very busy with school and traveling. I hope you all like it and really appreciate any reviews/comments you all may have. Xoxo –R.**

The airlift back to Seattle was challenging, after spending a few more weeks in recovery Jackson and April finally headed home to Seattle. The doctors told them that her memories would come back with time and that she could complete the rest of her rehab with Dr. Torres and Dr. Shepherd, but operating would not be an option likely forever. The thought of not being a surgeon devastated April, it was the sole thing that she had built her identity on. It was what made her parents proud of her, it was what made her stand out from her sisters, and it felt like a calling from God. And now, she's lost it because of her selfishness. It would probably be the bitterest pill she'd have to swallow, knowing that pride is what causes us to lose what we love most.

"You ready?" Jackson asked her, he lightly grazed his hand on hers. The two of them had not talked much since he told her about their son, just simple hellos and how are you, nothing too intimate. She didn't know where they stood on their relationship, were they divorced, together, separated? All she knew was that she didn't want him to stay with her out of obligation; she had too much pride for that. She knew the conversation was coming, she knew she'd have to face the music that was her life, but she just wasn't ready. She felt like a coward, she felt evil for all that she had done and there was nothing she could do to undo it.

"As I'll ever be." He wheeled her into Seattle Grace, where she had her first appointment with Callie.

"I'll pick you up in a few hours, do you want me to bring Delilah too?" Jackson wondered as he looked deeply into her eyes. They were the same eyes that he had fallen in love with all those years ago, but now they were surrounded by more prominent crows feet and lacked a bit of the shine they used to have. But the color still radiated, bright as ever, the most beautiful hazel you'd ever see. He was aware that people gawked at his eyes, thinking them pools of glass that could melt someone on first glance, but April's eyes were soft, humble, inviting. Their daughter had her eyes and for that he was grateful.

April wasn't prepared for that question; she had been in Seattle for one night, which they spent at a hotel because it was closer to the hospital. She wasn't ready to go to Jackson's apartment just yet because she felt like it wasn't her home. She didn't remember what it was like to live there, although the doctors had assured her that in time the memories would come back. However, she was unsure if she wanted them to. She knew she had lost her son, but knowing it and feeling the pain of holding your dying son in your arms and singing to him and praying for him and memorizing every detail of his face are completely different things. She hurt from the loss of him, but right now she wasn't devastated which made her feel even more conflicted about it.

"I don't know if I'm ready. She doesn't know me, I don't want to scare her."

"What are you talking about, of course she knows you. Your pictures are everywhere, I talk about you all the time, trust me you're not a stranger."

"Jackson," she slightly bit her lip in anxiousness, "I feel like I am. Plus I don't want to overstep, you've been doing such a great job with her it'd be unfair."

He cut her off before she could continue on rambling, "You're her mother. Regardless of what we're going through I want you to be there for her, and deep down I know you do too."

"Okay," she breathed slowly out, "You can bring her when you pick me up. But I'm not promising I won't break down."

"I wouldn't expect anything less," he smiled. "Okay, well here's your stop. I'll see you later." He said as he bent down to give her a kiss goodbye, she was startled at the action as was he, but before he could Callie opened the door saving the both of them from an awkward situation.

"Kepner! Oh my God what happened to you?" Callie screamed, practically deafening April.

"I got shot, there was a raid and yeah, I don't remember much."

"You poor thing. Owen didn't tell me that you'd been so badly injured, if any of us knew we would have gone out to help you."

"It's really no big deal, I was in a coma for most of my recovery so I wouldn't have noticed anyways," she awkwardly laughed.

Changing the subject Callie went into Dr. Torres mode, "Okay, so we do have a plan worked out for you, it'll be about six months, but you'll be ready to operate by then."

"Good morning Dr. Kepner, it's good to see you," Dr. Derek Shepherd said as he walked into the room. He and Torres had been working together for months on Veterans, and who better than to work on that their very own April Kepner.

"Hello Dr. Shepherd."

"So, April how've you been feeling?"

"Pretty good. I have some feeling in my left leg, but very minimal. I doubt I could put any weight on it without collapsing."

"Okay, we'll keep that in mind. And during this process who's your caretaker going to be?" Callie nonchalantly asked as she was filling out April's information on the computer, "Jackson right?"

"No, I don't know. Would you mind if I just went and got some air?" Derek held the door open for her as she wheeled out the room, about to hyperventilate from that last question. She, April Kepner was all-alone. Jackson would only help her out of pity and she didn't want that. She wasn't good enough friends with Meredith to ask her, nor Lexie, or Mark. She and Alex got along fine and he'd been there when she found out she was pregnant, but he was in a relationship with Jo and she didn't want to impose.

"Holy crap," she muttered under her breath, "I remembered. Wow. I remember that day." She quietly said to herself, as she thought about the day she found out she was pregnant. Maybe she should just swallow her pride and live with Jackson; he was her husband after all. But she didn't want to feel like a stranger in her own home, well what used to be her home. Maybe she didn't remember everything that had happened between her and Jackson, and she could see some of the good in that. At least she couldn't remember how much she had hurt him and the look on his face when he saw her go to Jordan, because if she could right now there would be no way she'd be living. She would have drowned herself from all of the guilt. It scared her, however, knowing that the memories were not permanently gone and that one day she'd have to face them, even when she knew what they were she was too scared to face them. She could no longer recognize the woman she had become.

"April, April is that you?" A familiar voice called from down the hall. It was her former roommate Alex Karev.

"Uh, hi Alex. How are you?"

"Pretty good. I heard about your accident, I'm really sorry."

"It's fine, really. Nothing I can't handle," she let out a small half smile.

"Is there anything I can help you with?"

"Actually, there is. Can you tell me what happened to Jackson when I was gone?"

Alex hesitated for a moment, he didn't know if it was his place to tell her how Avery wallowed in self-pity for weeks after she left. How he would get so excited that she was expected to return soon, only to have her postpone, after the third time Alex stopped asking when April was coming home because he was fairly certain she never was coming back.

"He was pretty broken. But he took great care of Delilah, always brought her into work and stuff like that," Alex tried to put a positive spin on the situation. He couldn't imagine the guilt April was feeling and he didn't want to make her feel worse than she probably already did.

"Am I asking too much of him?"

"What do you mean by that?"

"Jackson and I used to be best friends and I betrayed him. I left him. And now, look at me, I'm stuck in the chair for the next few months and he's going to have to take care of me. It's not fair, he's been doing all the heavy lifting and I'm, well I'm like a sack of potatoes," she didn't know how to explain how she was feeling but the words she so desperately didn't want to say finally leapt from her lips, "Is he better off without me? Are they better off without me?"

"April, you may not remember it all, but that man loves you. And sure he's angry with you and there's probably going to be a small part of him that will never be able to forgive you entirely, but I suspect that you're not going to let yourself forget what you did either. But, you can't run away from your problems, it doesn't solve anything. I say, stay and fight for your marriage and your daughter. And if it doesn't work out and the two of you split up, you split up, but at least you tried. You and I both know you'd regret if you didn't."

"I know."

"Come on, let me wheel you back to your rehab."

"Thanks Alex. I don't know what I would do without you," she gently placed her hand over his as a sign of thankfulness, but she said something that even he was shocked to hear, "If ever I cant, tell him I always loved him. I never stopped."

"I will," he acknowledged, "I have to go now, are you gonna be okay?"

She used her thumb to wipe the tears that were gently falling from her eyes, "Yeah, I think I will be."

Owen Hunt had been Chief of Surgery at Seattle Grace Mercy West Hospital for years now and he still didn't have all his ducks in order when it came to his position. It was pure stress. Everything in his life turned to shit, he had the opposite of Midas' touch. His marriage with Cristina was nowhere near where it needed to be, and the constant limbo that they were living in was too much for him to bear. His lack of attention to detail led to the plane crash and Lexie getting injured. And now, his own pupil, April Kepner, the woman who he trained and told every single day that she was a solider that she could persevere through any storm was rolling around these halls in a wheel chair. He helped her go, he helped her run away from her problems, and how did she return? More broken than before. He blamed only himself, and he did something he hadn't done in a while, he took out the flask he had hid in his desk for dire circumstances and took a drink. The cold scotch ran down his throat, burning as it reached his stomach, where he could feel it brewing. He facilitated her madness, now it only seemed right that he'd go mad himself.

"Dr. Hunt, you wanted to see me?" Jackson Avery knocked on the door to Owen's office. He was wearing his normal street clothes; obviously he was headed out to see April after her rehab.

"Yeah, yeah Jackson I did." He discreetly put the flask bottle away, but Jackson could still smell the stench of alcohol that encompassed the room. "It's about April."

"What about her?"

"How is she?" Owen asked, desperately.

"She's doing okay, given," Jackson trailed off. He had put aside his hatred for Owen a long time ago. He blamed Owen for letting April go, but he couldn't have known she would stay as long as she did. It was easier for Jackson to use Owen as a scapegoat for his anger, because it took him far too long to admit that April was the reason. And even longer for him to admit that the reason he was so taken aback by her absence was because this wasn't the first time he'd ever been left behind. There are a lot of bad things that happen in life, people die, jobs are lost, fires are set a blaze, but the worst is when the people you love run away from you. It's hard not to start to believe that they're running from you, not for them.

"But how is she?" He emphasized the is.

"I'm not sure what you're asking, chief," Jackson's frustrations were growing.

"Is she ready to come back to work?"

"Are you serious? She just got out of the hospital last week, she's been out of practice for months, and my God she's in a wheelchair! Are you so drunk that you think she can operate?" His voice was steaming with anger. He got up to leave the room; he had had enough of Owen's pestering and fake sympathies.

"Jackson, please wait."

"Why? So, you can tell me this brilliant plan to get her back in the O.R. when she clearly isn't ready. Do you want to give that to her, then take that away too?"

"I don't want her in the O.R., I want her to teach. She's organized, energetic, and smart as a whip. It just feels like a waste if she's not here."

"So, it's a waste if she's at home with her daughter, that she hasn't seen in person in two years, that she hasn't held, or sung to, or took care of when she was sick. That's a waste?"

"Jackson, I didn't mean it like that and you know it."

"I don't know what you meant, but I don't want April teaching."

"Well that's up to April, not you."

"Owen," Jackson paused, "You took her from me once, and you're not going to do it again. She'll come back as a surgeon, who actually operates, when her rehab is done."

"You and I both know her rehab isn't going to work, why are you so hell-bent against her teaching?"

Jackson turned around once more and looks Owen dead in the eyes, "Because I have hope that some things will go back to the way they were always meant to be." And left the room.


	19. Chapter 18

A/N: Hi everyone, here is the next installment of _The Way_. For those of you that follow my other works, I haven't forgotten them, classes just have been really busy and I've been traveling. I will update those stories when I can, but I want to keep most of my focus on this one because it is more developed in the other characters' relationships. Once again, please review, favorite, follow, etc. this story and give me ideas on where you want it to go. We're coming up to new territory that will be for the most part, original, and non-show oriented. Hope you all enjoy!

 _I wish I could better by you_

' _Cause that's what you deserve_

 _You sacrifice so much of your life_

 _In order for this to work_

There comes a time in everyone's lives where they have to make a choice, pick the path that they're going to walk. The fork in the road has finally come and the only way forward is to follow one way. Sometimes that path comes easy to us, as if our entire life has been screaming which one we were destined to take. But others, their lives are silent, never giving any indication to where life will take you or where you belong. And the thing is, neither school of thought understands the other. The sure person, the one who seemingly has all their ducks in order cannot fathom someone who doesn't. While the unsure person can't imagine a life without adventure and twists and turns that leads them to something exquisitely magical.

Meredith was the type of person who didn't know exactly what she wanted to be when she left for college at Dartmouth. She just knew that she wanted to get out from under the shadow of her mother. The constant bradding, the expectations to be extraordinary, they were suffocating to a person. So, she ran, as fast as she could away from the place that felt about as much like a home as prison did. Derek, on the other hand, well he knew he wanted to be a doctor ever since he was eleven years old. Although Ellis Grey raised Meredith, the legendary general surgeon, she wasn't called to surgery because it was in her blood. But Derek was called to become a doctor, when he was eleven two men came into his father's shop and shot him for his watch, an anniversary gift from his wife. Derek had to watch, helpless, holding his younger sister Amelia, and putting his hand over her mouth so she wouldn't scream. He became a surgeon to help people, plain and simple. Not for the money, the fame, or the egotistical "playing God" complex. His path was forged the day those men put a bullet in his father's chest.

"Hey," Derek softly whispered as he entered his and Meredith's bedroom. They had the chart of the spine tumor still painted on their wall, just like the one he drew on the wall of her mother's house.

"The kids give you a lot of trouble?" She was reading a medical journal on her I-pad, and was fairly immersed in a new trial on a drug treatment for diabetes.

"No more than usual, but you know who could give me trouble?" He coyly asked as he approached her and took of his shirt, revealing his toned mid-section.

"Derek, the kids are right down the hall," she protested.

"They're asleep, trust me, now let me have sex with my wife." He crawled into the bed and started to kiss her, angling he head to the side as his strong hand caressed her cheek, she put her I-pad down and faced towards her husband putting her tongue in his mouth and melting into his kiss. They were making out like two teenagers who were in the back of a Toyota Camry parked around the block so their parents wouldn't see them. Meredith had kissed many a boy before Derek, but the moment she met him something in her mind just clicked, he was the one. And no one had ever made her feel so electric in bed, hit every right move, smoothly and well. He was gentling yet fierce, forgiving yet dominating, he was everything she wanted and more.

"Let's make another baby," he suggested after they had finished and were laying bed looking at each other. God, Meredith could look into those eyes for a lifetime, they were just smiling at her with the utmost sincerity.

"We have three kids already and you know I have a hostile uterus."

His arm was propping his head up casually, "It doesn't have to be today or even tomorrow, but maybe someday?"  
"Someday is going to come sooner than you think," Meredith suggested.

"What does that mean?"

"You're the neuro-surgeon," she jokingly rolled her eyes and then it clicked and Derek gasped, "You're pregnant?"

"Yes." She smiled widely, "It's only been a week and a half so I'm not sure yet. But I have a test in the bathroom that I can take."

"Do you want to?" At that moment Meredith stopped, she didn't know what she wanted. Because if she were to admit that she wanted another baby, it'd be even more of a disappointment if it didn't happen. Growing up, Meredith never really had a family, not like the one's you see in movies where a mom and dad live together, are happy, and are raising their math-lete daughter and captain of the football team son. She had a mother who could kindly be described as cold. Ellis Grey was cunning, assertive, she took no prisoners, and never took no for an answer. She wasn't built to be a mother; she was built to be a surgeon, a machine. She never taught Meredith how to be personable, kind, engaging; she only taught her that being the best was worth every cost, regardless of the bridges she may burn. And so, Meredith never thought it would happen to her. Meeting the guy, having the family that was always portrayed in the '60's sitcom, she assumed she would be alone. Screw a few guys but never have anything serious. But then she met Derek and everything changed. Everything she secretly wanted, wished for, was actually becoming a reality and it felt so amazing.

"Yeah, I think I do," she got up from the bed and went to the bathroom. Fifteen minutes later she came out with the test, "Here it is, I don't want to look."

Derek took the test from her nervously shaking hands and kissed her on the cheek, "It doesn't matter what it says, and I love you."

"I know that. Would you just read the damn test, I want to know."

His hand covered his mouth as he turned the test over, "It says it's positive."

"Oh my God, Derek we're going to have another baby."

"We are." He reached his strong arms around her and pulled her petite frame tightly into his chest, kissing his wife fiercely. Meredith had never known true happiness as a child, but she could only describe it as floating on air. And every time she looked at Derek she felt like a weight was lifted off her shoulders, that everything she had spent her whole life searching for was wrapped in a box with a ribbon, inside of a man with the most charming smile and intoxicating hair.

April hadn't been home yet. She was dreading stepping into the apartment that she and Jackson, apparently, used to call home, but she couldn't remember. Her memories were coming back, but they were foggy. She was scared for when they would reveal themselves to her, right now she didn't know if she could handle it.

"You ready?" Jackson asked her as he was fumbling with the key.

"As I'll ever be. Jackson," she turned to face him, "Before we go in, I, I uh," she hesitated.

"April, what is it?"

"Do I belong here?" The words came out loudly and fast.

"What do you mean by that?" He was taken aback by her sudden admission, and if her were to be honest he didn't know if she belonged here. He had a routine with Delilah, he was her father, her dad, but April wasn't her mom. Delilah probably wouldn't even recognize her. He wanted to divorce her and if it weren't for her injuries he would have. So, he didn't really know if she belonged with them, but it wasn't his place to tell her she couldn't see her daughter or try to be in her life. She did what she did out of fear and pain not out of cowardice, and as hard as that was for Jackson to accept, he kept repeating the mantra to himself.

"I don't know, April, I honestly don't know. But I want to try."

"I know that you Jackson, but I can't be a burden, I don't want to be. I'm a big girl, you can say whatever you were going to before the accident to me."

"I wasn't going to say anything." He looked down at the floor, desperately trying to avoid eye contact.

"Come on Jackson, I may not have all my memories back but I'm not blind. I trapped you, and you want out, just admit it." Her voice was raising and if she could get out of the chair she would, her arms were gripping onto the armrests so hard it was surprising that she didn't rip holes in the leather.

"April, can we not do this now?" His voice was strained and annoyed.

"No, Jackson, we're going to do this now. I'm not a freaking China doll, apparently I'm your wife and I deserve to be treated with respect. So, do you want me to go through that door and be your wife and be a mother to our child?"

"I want you to be her mother," he was avoiding the question.

"And what about me being your wife?" She wasn't relenting on the issue. April was prideful of all things, but she wouldn't be someone's second choice.

"I don't know. April, before the accident, yeah I wanted a divorce. You were taking another tour after we discussed that you'd missed too much of Delilah's life. But, I don't know what I want now. I know that I love you, but I can't trust you."

"Jackson, I think I should stay somewhere else."

"That's ridiculous, where are you going to go?"

"Home."

"April, it may not seem like it now, but this is your home. You said you'd always come back, so the door is always open." And that's when April remembered the day she left, when she held his crying face in the airport and said to him, " _I love you Jackson, I'll come back to you always."_

"What is it?" He saw the perplexed look on her face as he knelt down the make eye contact with her.

"Jackson," she gently said as her hand glided on his stubbly cheek, "I, I remember. Everything. And I'm so sorry." She couldn't help but break down in tears.

"It's okay, I got you. Come here." And he held her in his arms. Catherine Avery heard from the other side of the door, she had picked Delilah up from daycare and brought her home. She watched through the peephole at her son and daughter in law, she was happy that April remembered, but she still had her guard up.

"My mom's inside with Delilah, are you ready to go in?"

"I just want to see my baby girl."

And so, Jackson opened the door to a world of new possibilities for April. A new life, one filled with hope. Then she met eyes with her beautiful, perfect daughter, "Hey baby," she whispered trying to hold back the tears, "Mommy's home." Catherine let Delilah down on the ground, and the two year old ran to her mommy, "Mommy I missed you," she said as she hugged April's calves, causing everyone in the room to cry. April picked her daughter up and set her in her lap, "I'm never leaving you again, I promise." Delilah nestled her head into April's chest and April never felt anything more pure in her life. She looked up at Jackson and smiled and he looked at her dotingly, "Thank you," she beamed to him. The words were simple, but pure.


	20. Chapter 19

A/N: Hi everyone, the beginning is from another story that I wrote, it's an original. It stems from a couple that was perfect for each other, but broke up because of extenuating circumstances. I hope you enjoy. Also, this will be my last chapter for a couple ofweeks, as I am going on Spring Break on Thursday. Unfortunately, I will not have my laptop in Italy, gotta spend time soaking up the sun. 3 love you all and hopefully there'll be an installment to one of my other pieces before I leave.

April wrote in her journal:

 _Sometimes you'll be walking and it'll just hit you, your old life. You'll hear their voice, the smell of the brewery plants will come into your nose, the places you discovered when you took your car out for the first time and just drove until you couldn't go any further, you can picture them now so vividly, as if no time has passed. And you turn right at the fork in the road, up in front of you is a massive hill covered with trees that looks slightly too frightening to climb, so you go towards the road that is flat yet winding. Your music is blaring and you're paying just enough attention to the road that you don't drive over the guardrail and plummet into the evergreen forest below you, but you still keep an eye on the weeping willows that line the left side. And your car hits sixty five but you keep going, and the church on the hill is to your right perched up there in all its glory, you've driven up the road to it before, it's quite hidden but there's a pleasant, little ice cream shop with the best blue moon in town there if you look hard enough. On the other side of the flat road is a small tavern with a PBR sign; you've certainly contemplated the irony of having a church in your view as well as a place for drunken stoopers. How painfully obvious is it, the choice between good and evil, I can turn right or I can turn left, but we never actually take into account that I can go straight, which is the path I take every time._

 _And you start thinking about your life and all of the treasure it holds, but then comes your favorite part where the road winds and winds and winds, and you reach the canopy of trees that cover everything in their path. The sunny day has just turned dark and you spot the house on the hill, the house that is so secluded from the outside world, but surrounded by so much green and beauty, I wish I could describe it, but on a road you have to keep going, one cannot stop and stare at the sites surrounding them for too long, not if they don't want to get hit._

 _And we're only blessed with these little moments for a short period of time, just enough so we can be reminded of them, just a little taste. And as much as you want to go back to those times, where pleasantries outweighed difficulties, back to when your imagination could run wild and your days weren't filled with questions about if the people in your life really loved you, but were filled with questions about what character you would pretend to be, what city you would pretend to save, what battle you and your siblings would partake in? Were you a Gryffindor when your age could be counted on your two hands, now you look in the mirror and see a Slytherin, a snake that has devoured all of your innocence, and the roar of the lion has been muted by Satan's tyranny._

 _And if you don't pay attention you might miss your own life, this life that you created and there are so many little moments that we take for granted, and you will lose yourself. Life's not always about the big things, the marriages, the kids, the deaths; a life is simpler than that. A life is cups of coffee that you drink in the mug you hand painted when you were seven, it's your dog running around the house with wet paws as you desperately chase him with a bath towel, it's the embarrassing photo shoots you do with your new born and a lamb, it's about the people who are in it and what you do together. A life is measured, not by the change the lines your pockets, or the number of windows your house has, but by the ability for you to realize that those petulant things aren't what matter._

 _It matters so much to be grateful. Because, if you don't take the time to tell the people you love that you love them, one day they will be gone and your words will be like ash in a fire, wood that was burned too late. And all you'll have left to remind you of them is your memories and as those replay in your mind and as you walk down the street and the breeze blows through your hair and you remember their face and the last words they said to you and how they left your life, you'll feel nothing but resentment. You'll start to hate that person who left, but you don't ever ask yourself why, or ever admit your faults. And your heart grows a little darker and your walls are built a little bit higher, so the next person must grab a rope to climb up it, and they'll resent you for being cold and distant and this vicious cycle will begin once again. And they will leave. The next person will too. And you will end up alone, with only the smell of the breweries tickling your nose once in a blue moon. God, I wish love could be enough, but I really don't think it is._

April knew that she loved Jackson; that he was arguably the love of her life, but the two of them had been through more than what most couples had gone through in a lifetime in a matter of years. First they had sex at the boards, after she had punched the guy from Case Western and she just had this surging adrenaline running through her veins and the only way she felt like she could conquer it was by kissing her best friend. April had never been the type of person to put herself out there, to be so bold and confident, but she didn't know if it was a mix of the stress, the almost bar brawl, and the alcohol, but something had encouraged her to kiss her best friend that night. Then they had sex, then he left, and she thought she'd never see him again. Then he came back, she was pregnant, they got married, their son died, she gave birth to a healthy baby girl, she left, and then she got injured, and now she was in this odd limbo. Was Jackson really hers or was he just putting up a front because it was socially unacceptable to yell at a woman in a wheelchair. But all she wanted him to do was yell, she wanted him to give it to her straight, she wasn't going to allow herself to be pitied.

She had woken up early that morning and gotten herself dressed, she had been in the chair for a couple months now and she was able to do most tasks herself especially since she had rehab everyday with Torres and Shepherd. It was grueling, to say the least, but in her mind April felt like she deserved it. This was her punishment for cruelly and cowardly leaving her family, if this was the penance she had to pay she was more than happy to do it without complaints. She had been living with Jackson for the past few months, but the two of them had not discussed their relationship at all, much to her frustration. It was awkward, to say the least. Pretty soon, she knew she'd be able to walk again and then return to work and take care of herself completely, she would no longer need him. In a way she feared for that day, because up until this point she could fool herself into thinking that he still loved her and that everything he had done in the past few months was because he wanted her, cared for her, not out of obligation.

"Going in to see Torres this morning?" He asked as he cooked her some eggs.

"Yes, I think today may be the day that I try standing on my own."

He stopped what he was doing and looked at her with surprised eyes, "Standing? On your own? Really? You're sure you're ready for that?"

"I've been at this for months, it's time Jackson," she quipped back, "It really is time," she whispered under her breath.

"Here are your eggs, I'm gonna go get Delilah ready."

"You really don't have to do that alone, I can help you, you know?"

"I know, it's just, it's just that it's easier this way. You understand? She's used to me, that's all."

April couldn't pretend that those words didn't sting, her daughter didn't know her and it was her fault, "No, I understand. Thank you for the eggs."

"You're welcome." As Jackson left the room he couldn't help but shed a single tear before he got to his daughter's room. April was progressing faster than he had wanted, he still needed more time to figure out what he wanted. He loved her, he knew that was certain, but he didn't know if he could trust her. And now she was going to stand, a minimal feat for a normal person, but given her injury it was phenomenal. But, it also symbolized that April wasn't going to need him forever and he'd soon have to face his feelings and tell her what he wanted. He wasn't even sure if she wanted him. And the thought of putting himself out there just to be rejected made his skin crawl. Time wasn't on his side right now and all he needed was more of it. April was everything to him, she made his world turn, but she also hurt him more than anyone had in his entire life. She abandoned him and if she weren't injured, he probably wouldn't even consider talking to her. Because that's what he did, he ran, he avoided his problems instead of facing them. She was entirely different, she was chipper and cheery and she would always try to talk things out, it was annoying to Jackson, but it also made him love her.

"You ready to go?" She asked Jackson, as he exited Delilah's room with her in his arm, the almost three year old had her hair in cute puffs on the top of her head and was wearing a pink t-shirt and skirt combo purchased by none other than Catherine Avery.

"Yeah, we're ready."

"How's my little girl doing? You excited to go to the hospital?" April cooed at Delilah.

"Yeah!" She exclaimed, but before April could reach up and grab her she nestled her head into Jackson's shoulder, it was adorable how well it fit there, and how comfortable he looked with her. As interns April never imagined Jackson as a father. It wasn't an insulting thought, but she only saw one side of Jackson, the side that was focused on medicine. He had come from a small, albeit distinguished family, and so April never thought twice about him wanting kids. Her, well her on the other hand, could have had a sign posted on her uterus saying, "open for business, vacant and in desperate need of an occupant." She had always wanted kids, growing up with three sisters had its many, many downs, but it also had its fair share of ups and she couldn't imagine living her adult life without a family of her own. She never thought that the role reversal would be so clear, that Jackson was the natural parent, and well she ran at the first sign of things getting hard.

"Okay, great let's go." She smiled, trying not to look upset over her daughter's rejection of her. However, it didn't go unnoticed by Jackson. He admired how much April was trying to get along with their daughter, how much progress she was trying to make, but it would just take time.

* * *

 **Two months later**

"Okay, Dr. Kepner, you're almost done with your tenth lap around the hall, I think we can safely say that you've graduated from rehab," Dr. Shepherd beamed.

"You're serious?"

"Yes, completely serious. I wanted to let you off a week ago, but Derek insisted. It looks like you can officially go back to work now Kepner, you haven't forgotten your surgical techniques have you?" Torres wondered.

"Not at all!" She practically yelled. "I can't believe this, I don't know what to say to either of you, but thank you. Thank you so much for giving me my life back. I don't know how I could ever repay you."

"Get your ass back to work and get the E.R. organized, we need it desperately, that's how you can repay us," Torres said.

"Sounds like a plan, I can't wait to tell Jackson," she hesitated as the words came out of her mouth. This day meant two things, she'd get her life back, but also she'd be losing the little bubble she and him had created.

"I'm sure he'll be thrilled," Derek smiled, "I'll see you at work on Monday Dr. Kepner, don't be late."

"I won't." She went to leave the rehab room, sans chair, and although she thought walking would be difficult, it turned out to be effortless. So, she went outside and sat on the bench outside the hospital, she didn't want to call Jackson just yet to tell him about the news. She sat outside, although it was raining, she sat and let the rain fall on her, embracing its cool, yet refreshing touch. It was cleansing. She stared at the cars in the parking lot, and then looked up at the sky, which was grey and dark, and the rain started to come down heavier. Now, she was soaked. But she didn't care, because if she cared then she'd have to move and if she moved then Jackson might see her and then they'd have to have the conversation. The one that she had been dreading for six months, actually three years. It had been three years and three weeks since their son had died, three years since she had felt like herself. But today, as she stood in the rain, with her arms outstretched and back arched, head towards the sky, she felt like she had years ago when she did the trauma simulation outside. Soaked. But also free. Clean. Renewed. She hadn't felt like this in forever, she hadn't felt truly happy since her wedding to Jackson nearly four years ago. How could she have been living in such a dark place for so long? What happened to her? What happened to the girl that smiled at everyone, that dreamed, that was a virgin until she was 28? April always thought that that girl had died, that she had gone through too much heartache to ever come back, but today she was searing through April's veins. And so, April started to spin and twirl, like a bit of a crazy person, as she laughed and smiled in the rain. For some reason, she was convinced that everything was going to be okay, regardless of what Jackson had to say.

Jackson spotted her from his office window, he wasn't sure it was her at first, and then he took a closer look and saw her fiery red hair and her red jacket that she loved to wear. What on earth was she doing outside, dancing in the rain, how was she dancing? So, he ran outside to get her, she was clearly out of her mind.

"April, what are you doing?" He asked her, he had his hands over his head trying to shield himself from the rain.

"Dancing, Jackson, can't you see that?"

"But why, April? Why are you dancing?"

"Because I'm finally feel free Jackson, she twirled around grazing her back against his, he stopped in his tracks for a second smelling her wet hair. It smelled just as he remembered and he couldn't resist the urge, the urge of wanting her. He leaned in to kiss her, grabbing her delicately by the waist as his lips crashed onto hers. It had been so long, years since he had touched her. Felt her soft skin under his hands. He didn't know he wanted her this much, he didn't know that he had all of these pent up feelings for her, but now he wanted nothing more than to pick her up and take her to bed.

"Jackson, what are you doing?"

"I want you April, I want you," he breathed heavily.

"Jackson, don't say that if you don't mean it, I don't think I can handle it."

"No, April. I want you. I need you." And with that she collapsed into his arms and he carried her to his car where they made love for the first time in years. It was slow; they wanted to take their time so they could treasure one another. Finally, things were getting back to the way they were supposed to be. They didn't talk, but somehow April knew that they didn't need to, he was hers and she was his, and they could go back to things like they never had even ended. This is what she dreamt of, but dreams only come true in fairytales.


	21. Chapter 20

A/N: Thank you all for sticking with me, now we're on to part 3 of this story. Where I go with it from here, I'm not entirely sure, but I hope you all enjoy it. Don't forget to R&R! –R.

* * *

I've always been a firm believer that love is never enough. It can't pay the bills, it can't communicate; it can't solve the world's problems. It makes you feel better; it makes you feel like you can survive in this big bad world. But when you have love taken away from you, it's the worst feeling in the entire world. It's like you're broken and you know exactly what the cure is, but you can't reach it; you'll never be able to reach it. Because we can't turn back time, the freaking carousel never stops turning.

* * *

"Edwards! Deluca! We have an incoming, car accident," April Kepner shouted. She had been back at work for a while now, and nothing seemed to be stopping her. She was different from before, surer of herself and slightly meaner. She didn't take crap from anyone and if you didn't know whom she was before you wouldn't even recognize the change, but to her old friends she was a stranger with a wall built up around her. She had thrown herself into surgeries as soon as Torres and Shepherd cleared her, thankfully. Her hands were missing being inside of someone else; she missed the rush, the thrill of saving a life. It was certainly more entertaining than sitting in physical therapy learning how to walk again. The ambulance sirens were almost deafening to the average ear, but Kepner was used to the loudness and abruptness of war, so they were like music to her ears.

"What do we got?" She yelled to the paramedic.

"Car accident, driver got caught under a semi," the paramedic started to explain.

"A semi? Caught under?" Stephanie Edwards questioned.

"Edwards, not the time," Kepner snapped, "Go on?" she motioned for the paramedic to explain the patient's injuries further.

"Ahem," he coughed, "Patient is Anderson Carpenter, 36, was conscious in the field. He has skull fracture, pneumothorax, and some lacerations on his face, arms, and legs," the paramedic explained.

"Okay, Deluca, what do we do?" April asked, he was an intern and she had always taken a liking to the little guppies. They were scared out of their minds whenever anyone gave them a task besides telling a patient their name or anything having to do with the rectum, but Deluca wasn't like the others. He had a strong head on his shoulders, after graduating from Colombia he had to. He respected April, but he never kissed her ass, something the other interns and residents could learn from. April liked being the boss, but she never liked questioning whether people respected her because she commanded said respect or because she was simply their boss.

"I'll page neuro, cardio, and plastics," he answered.

"Good."

"Should I page Dr. Sloan or?" his voice trailed off.

"Sloan. Page Doctor Sloan," April quickly responded.

Dr. Sloan came barging through the trauma doors a few minutes later, Dr. Deluca had been instructed to not page him 9-1-1, but as a guppy he forgot that small bit of information.

"What do we have Kepner? I was paged 9-1-1," Sloan said as he made his way towards the patient.

"It's not a 9-1-1; Derek's page was a 9-1-1; he just has a few lacerations on his face that need suturing up and I didn't want a resident to do it," April explained coldly.

"Why couldn't Avery do this?" April gave him a harsh look with her eyes and before she could open her mouth to explain, Derek Shepherd came running in.

"Kepner, what do we have?"

"From the x-rays we took here, he has a skull fracture, and we're pretty sure a brain bleed, I've already ordered the CT," she told Dr. Shepherd confidently.

"Good, okay, let's wait and see. You up to scrubbing in to a neuro procedure for old times sake?"

"It would be an honor, Dr. Shepherd," she smiled at him. The two had become quite close since he had worked with her on her physical therapy. They were never friends before, but now April Kepner could say with confidence that Derek Shepherd was her friend.

The patient made it out of surgery, alive, thankfully. April normally developed strong attachments to her patients, it was just a part of her nature, and so when she saw a patient who clearly had the will to live she especially wanted them to make it through.

"You did really well in there Dr. Kepner, ever think about changing your specialty?" Dr. Shepherd asked.

"And take another two years to do a fellowship?" She scoffed, "No, I'm perfectly happy where I am working in Trauma," she smiled, "Well, I'm going to go and check on Mr. Carpenter see if he's going to wake up any time soon."

"Okay, good work tonight Dr. Kepner," Derek called out.

"You too, Dr. Shepherd, now go home to that wife and kids of yours." Derek gave her a half smile, but didn't respond as he watched her turn the corner to make her way towards Mr. Carpenter's room.

* * *

"Meredith, you shouldn't be on your feet, how long were you in the O.R. for, doesn't Bailey know that you're due in three weeks," Derek rambled.

"Derek, I'm fine. She's fine. Everything is fine, don't worry."

"You need to slow down, I don't want anything to happen."

"And if it does, this is the perfect place for it to happen, I work in a hospital for Christ's sake."

"Meredith," he scolded slightly, "Promise me you'll slow down. No more 8 hour surgeries."

"Okay," she agreed with her husband, "Except if they're really cool, once in a lifetime surgeries," she teased.

"You're never going to stop are you?" He pestered.

"I think you already know the answer to that, now come here," she pulled her husband next to her and kissed him.

"Dr. Grey," he yelled.

"That's Dr. Grey-Shepherd to you," she laughed before he turned out the lights.

* * *

The halls of the hospital were quiet, especially at night when the patients were sleeping and the doctors and nurses were supposed to be at home, but April enjoyed the quiet. It had become so unfamiliar for her, the quiet. The ability to sit and be at peace with her own thoughts, silently. Her world never seemed to stop, never seemed to give her a break, and as much as she loved parts of it she hated others. She missed her freedom, and she hated missing it, because it made her feel like she resented her daughter. She didn't resent her daughter, she loved her, but something never felt right. Jackson and her had bonded for years before she came back, then she was injured and couldn't really bond with her, now it'd been eight weeks since she and Jackson had been together in his car and she still felt like a stranger in her daughter's life. An outsider who didn't belong there and who didn't know if she wanted to belong there.

"Kepner?" Alex Karev asked, "Why are you pacing?"

"Not pacing, Karev, just thinking," she replied.

"You really should go home, haven't you been here for like 48 hours?"

"I have patients Karev, I don't need to go home."

"Do you not need to or do you not want to?" She stopped pacing and looked him straight in the eye. She and him had never seen eye to eye, he always thought she was annoying while she found him to be particularly crass. But he had developed a sort of 'big brother' relationship with her, he cared about her and he tried to protect her even if she didn't want to admit it.

"Alex, I told you I have patients," she tried to divert the subject.

"I have an extra bedroom if you want, if you ever need it," he offered.

"Thank you, Alex, but that won't be necessary," she tried to get the words out but she couldn't, not before she started to ball uncontrollably and he immediately took her in his arms, "Where did I go so wrong? Why is everything spiraling out of control?"

"It's okay, April, it's going to be okay," he soothed her as she sobbed into his chest.

"I don't know if it's going to be, I mean look at me, I'm a mess," she breathed heavily, trying to get her sentence out.

"Kepner, you're a solider. So, you're going to wipe your tears off, go get some sleep at my place or wherever else you want, and then you're going to come back here and be a doctor."

"Thank you, Alex. I don't know why it's always you comforting me, it's sort of embarrassing," she laughed.

"It's because you're too afraid to talk to the one who you really want comforting you. When are you going to tell him?" he asked.

"Tell him what?" He looked down and she immediately knew what he was referring to, "I'll find a time. But not now, I need more time."

"Tell him before he figures it out," Alex warned, "And tell him before you decide to run away again."

"I'm not running away, Seattle is my home. This is my penance, this is what I have to deal with."

"April," he began.

"Yeah," she inquired.

"You don't deserve to be punished. Never have and never will. I may not understand all of your actions, and maybe neither does Jackson, but you're a good person. You save lives every day; you don't deserve what happened to you. No one does. You have to stop beating yourself up over it."

"I know, Alex. I know."

* * *

April had decided to get some rest in the on call room, since driving home would have taken too long and she wanted to make sure she got to speak to her patient as soon as he woke up.

"Good morning, Mr. Carpenter, I'm Dr. Kepner I operated on you last night, could you tell me where you are?" She greeted him pleasantly, for a woman who just got four hours of sleep she was particularly chipper.

"I don't know; I'm assuming I'm in the hospital. What happened?" He wondered.

"Yes, you're at Seattle Grace Mercy West Hospital in Seattle. Do you remember the accident at all?"

"No, not really. I just remember trying to switch lanes and then everything went black. Have you contacted my family at all?"

"I can see if a nurse knows about that," she said, "Would you like them to be contacted if they haven't been already?"

"Am I going to die?"

She was confused by his response, "No, you're not going to die. Dr. Shepherd is going to want to keep you here for a few more days, possibly a week, for observation on your head lac. Other than that, you're out of the woods."

"Then no, don't bother contacting them. I don't need them worrying over nothing."

"Okay," she hesitated, "I'll just be going then."

"Thank you Dr. Kepner, I hope I'll be seeing you," he smiled as she left his room.

* * *

April grabbed her lunch and headed to the cafeteria like she did every day, even prior to her accident, it was one of the few things that she still did. It was nice to see that there had been minimal changes to the cafeteria, a few more tables were added, and there was a slight improvement to the drink selections, but other than that everything remained the same.

"Wow, Meredith, you look like you're going to pop," April smiled as the general surgeon, along with her best friend Cristina Yang sat down to join her.

"Don't remind me about it, she's been resting on my bladder for over a week now. It was never this difficult with Elis or Bailey, why is she being so difficult," Meredith groaned.

"You just have a little princess on your hands," April smiled.

"Speaking of, how's Delilah doing?" Cristina asked, causing April to almost choke on her food. Cristina was the antithesis of baby lover, so she was shocked that she would ask her about her daughter.

"Uh, she's good," April managed to spit out.

"Still not bonding?" Meredith inquired.

"I'd rather not talk about it," April admitted.

"You know he doesn't hate you right?" Meredith reached her hand out for April's, "You're going to get past this."

"There's nothing to get past," April argued, "He said his piece, I said mine. It's better this way, we're both happier this way."

"Okay," the twisted sisters said in unison, they knew better than to pry since April had only been opening up for a few weeks now. She left to go and check on Anderson Carpenter, leaving Cristina and Meredith to gossip among themselves.

"What the hell did they do to Kepner over there? It's like they transformed her into some kind of robot," Cristina scoffed.

"I think losing her son did that," Meredith suggested.

"I never thought I'd say it, but I want the old Kepner back," Cristina added, "And I bet Jackson does too."

"Hey, you don't know that. It's none of our business, so we shouldn't talk about it." Meredith scolded.

"You know I'm right, Mer."

"Ahhh," Meredith screamed.

"Oh my God, Mer is she coming?" Cristina got up franticly.

"No, she's not coming! That's what you get for gossiping about April. Just give her space, she'll come around, she always does."

"That is so not fair," Cristina moped, "You have got to stop playing the 'I'm going into labor card."'

"It's not my fault you fall for it, _every_ time," Meredith smiled.

"Besides, how's my namesake doing? Kicking up a storm, enjoying the medical textbooks I bought her to read?"

"She won't be able to read until she's five and I was thinking of starting her off with the Magic School Bus, not Grey's anatomy," Meredith responded.

"You can never start, Cristina, too early. Besides, how will she feel when she can't live up to her aunt because he parents didn't push her enough."

"Oh hush. She's going to be whatever she wants to be, so you're going to have to get used to the idea of your namesake not being a surgeon."

"Nope, never going to happen," Cristina made her annoyed face, "That girl's hands are going to save lives whether she likes it or not."

"Cristina Yang, never taking no for an answer," Meredith smiled.

"Never."

* * *

"Mr. Carpenter, how're we feeling? It looks like Dr. Shepherd is discharging you tomorrow, do you have anyone to pick you up from the hospital and who will take care of you for the week?" April asked her patient.

"Yeah, my friend Bobby is coming. And you can call me Anderson, Dr. Kepner. Mr. Carpenter is just too formal."

"Okay, Anderson," she smiled, "Can I get you anything else before you leave?"

"I'd actually really like your number."

"Oh, I, um," she stuttered.

"I'm sorry, was that too forward? I uh, just didn't see a ring on your finger so I assumed you weren't married; you're not married are you? I know Doctors have to take their rings off all the time," he rambled.

"No, I'm not married. But I don't think I'm ready to date, the divorce is still fresh," she explained.

"That's okay. But I pity the guy who let a girl like you get away, he must have been a damn fool," Anderson offered.

"Trust me, he wasn't." And then she turned on her heel to leave her patient's room.

* * *

 _Flashback_ " _Jackson, is this what you want? Is this what you really want?" She asked her husband who was sitting across from her with his legal consul in toll. She thought they had made up, she thought they were going to be okay. But then, he saw on her computer that the army had asked her to do another tour and she hadn't told them no. He felt completely betrayed by her; he couldn't even stand to look at her. So, he asked for the divorce and full custody of Delilah, both of which April obliged to._

 _His silence screamed volumes; April didn't want to get divorced. She didn't want to go on another tour. She only wanted her husband to hold her in his arms, but she was so tired of feeling the way she did. Constantly feeling like a failure and like she couldn't give him what he wanted, what he deserved. He deserved a wife who wasn't a runner, a wife who looked at her daughter with pride and no fear, a wife who put him first. That was who she was, but she hadn't been that girl in a very long time._

" _Okay," she muttered, as she grabbed the pen and signed her name. She officially was divorced from the love of her life and as much as she hated to admit it, she felt free. That was until she took a pregnancy test a week later, and it came back positive. Just when she thought she was rid of her old life, it had a funny way of dragging her back in._

* * *

A/N: I know that I wrote them happy at the end of the last chapter, but I'm trying to follow a bit with the show as well as my own ideas for them as a couple.


	22. Chapter 21

A/N: Hi everyone, this is a shorter chapter than usual because I had other updates to do today. I love hearing all your reviews and comments and hope you all enjoy this. Xoxo –R.

* * *

Life has a funny way of messing with your plans. April had planned on getting married to the love of her life, losing her virginity, and then starting a family. She had never imagined she would have sex the night before her boards, get pregnant, get married, lose a baby, and join the army; in that order. And now she was divorced and alone. She couldn't blame him for leaving, she had done the same thing, but she couldn't deny that it stung. She thought they had something real, something that could survive all of this, but maybe she was wrong. Maybe she had just run out of chances.

"April? April are you in there?" A knock came from her front door, "I have wine and movies, please let me in," Arizona begged.

April reluctantly went to get the door, "Arizona, I really want to be alone right now."

"April, it's been a week. You haven't been at work, Jackson's been looking for you, and we were all worried."

"I'm here. I'm fine. You don't have to stay," she said annoyed.

"April, what's wrong?" Arizona asked her friend. She had been through her own trying times with Callie, and while the two hadn't gotten divorced she still knew how April was feeling.

"Arizona, I'm pregnant."

"Is it Jackson's?"

"Of course it is!"

"When? I thought you two were," she rambled.

"It was after Callie and Derek cleared me for surgery, I was dancing outside in the rain and everything felt normal again, so we had sex. And then we had our big fight, he filed, and I didn't even notice I missed my period. So, now I'm ten weeks pregnant and I have no idea how to tell him."

"Oh, April." Arizona leaned in to hug her sobbing best friend, "It'll be alright. He'll come around."

"I don't know if I want him to. Losing one baby was enough, I can't bear the thought of making him lose another."

"But you guys have Delilah and he loves her, he'll love this baby too."

"Oh God," April sobbed even harder, "I am such a terrible mother that I don't even recognize her as my own. I don't know her favorite toy, her favorite color, and her favorite song. I'm a failure."

"April, no you're not. You love your daughter and she knows that and Jackson knows that, come on, let's just get inside and watch a movie. I'll make the popcorn."

"Okay," April reluctantly answered.

* * *

2 Weeks Later

Jackson pulled up in front of April's apartment complex; today he had to drop Delilah off for the first time. It was hard to think that he wouldn't see his baby girl for two days, the thought of leaving her made him cry. She was everything to him, his entire world; she was the only thing that kept him tethered to some sense of normalcy when April left.

He tapped her on the knee, "Alright kiddo, time to go and see mommy," he smiled trying to hide his disappointment at what was happening. He looked at his left hand; it felt bear now that his ring was no longer on it. He had to remind himself that this is what he wanted, this is what he needed. The divorce was quick, mainly because he had already filed before April was injured and so all they had to do was sign the papers. But it didn't make it sting any less. Growing up he used to think divorce was so easy, people fall out of love, someone cheats, and something happens that makes the contract of marriage null and void. Yet, no one ever prepared him for divorcing someone that you still love. Despite everything she had done he still loved her and in the back of his mind, he hoped that one day they'd be able to make their way back to each other, as naïve as a thought that was.

"I don't wanna go, I wanna stay with you daddy."

"I know, pumpkin. But your mommy wants to see you. You and her haven't had enough alone time, it'll be fun I promise."

"I'm going to miss you daddy," she planted a kiss on his cheek as he carried her up to April's front door.

"I'm gonna miss you too baby, now promise me you'll be good?" She looked at him and silently nodded. He knocked on the door and April answered it, looking slightly disheveled. Her hair was in a high, messy ponytail, and she was wearing jeans with a University of Ohio sweatshirt. She looked tired and worn out, but he wasn't going to say anything. He knew she wanted space and that being around him was hard enough. He thought they'd still be able to talk, maybe work things out, but whenever he saw her at the hospital she would just turn on her heel and run in the other direction. She used to be his best friend, his everything, and now they acted as if they were strangers.

"Hi, baby girl, come here," April cooed at Delilah as she picked her up.

"April," he began, he didn't know why her name slipped out, it just did, "Uh we need to start discussing preschools, I was thinking Hudson's it's just down the street from the hospital."

"Sure, that sounds fine. Let me do a bit of my own research before we sign her up for anything, okay?"

"Yeah, not a problem." She went to close the door, "Oh and April, I'm still here if you need to talk."

She looked down at the ground, unsure of how to answer his olive branch, "Thank you Jackson, I really appreciate that, but I don't think that's going to help us get past this."

"What will? April, I miss you," the words flowed like a river from his mouth, "I've missed you for years. And that day outside in the rain, it was magical; I felt like I was finally holding my wife in my arms again. And then you were considering doing another tour and I couldn't deal with it and I acted rashly. I never should have had my lawyer draft those papers. I never should have asked you for a divorce."

"What are you saying Jackson?"

"I'm saying," he paused for a moment, "I'm saying I want you back."

"Wow, I did not expect that," she confessed.

"I didn't expect I'd be saying it."

"Jackson I don't think I'm ready to be your wife again and I don't think you're ready to be my husband."

"I don't want to be your husband," April would be lying if she said those words didn't stink, "I want to date April. We never did before and I think that's where we went wrong. So, April Noel Kepner will you do me the honors of going out to dinner with me tonight?"

"Why not?" She smiled, "See you at 8."

* * *

"Avery, my man, how's everything going with operation 'Get Kepner Back'," Mark asked.

"We are not calling it that," he hissed, "And for your information it's going extremely well, we have a date tonight."

"See, I told you chicks dig it when you have babies with you."

"Delilah is her daughter, I did not use her as a pawn to get April back."

"Okay," Mark rolled his eyes.

"You are too much, you know that right?"

'Hey, I have a wife and son who love me and think I'm awesome. Also, I have America who thinks I'm one of the best plastic surgeons in the country. You're lucky you have the privilege of learning from a legend like me, Avery."

"If you say so, let's just go and get Ms. Jones' consult done, I have to get ready for my date tonight."

"Where are you taking her?"

"La Reve, it's a French place in the center of town, you know how April loves her French food."

"Just bring gum, escargots are covered in garlic," Mark warned.

"Good to know," Jackson smiled at the thought of kissing his wife, kissing April tonight. Maybe, just maybe things could get back to the way they used to be.

* * *

April and Lexie had scheduled a play date with Delilah and Chris, so the kids could get to know each other and so April and Lexie could catch up. They hadn't really talked much since April had gotten back; they both had just been so busy with their lives. April with her rehab and divorce and Lexie with Chris and her neuro fellowship.

"So, do you think Shepherd's going to let you run point on the tumor removal?" April inquired.

"He'd be a fool not to," Lexie scoffed, "I know Mark doesn't like the idea, but if Derek doesn't loosen the reins I may have to go elsewhere."

"Lexie, you're not serious? You're really thinking about leaving Seattle?"

"I'm considering it, obviously there are a lot of things to consider."

"Yeah, like your sister and your friends and I don't know everything. Can't you just talk to Derek?"

"I tried, he just doesn't understand where I'm coming from. April, how did you do it? How did you leave it all behind?"

"I didn't want to, God knows I didn't want to. I was back into a corner. Being in Seattle felt like I was being suffocated by my own failures. I failed as a mother because I couldn't keep my son safe, he was hurting inside of me and I did nothing to stop it. I felt so powerless. And I failed as a wife because all I wanted to do was give Jackson two healthy babies and I couldn't even do that. I can only pray that this one is safe, that I can do it right this time."

"Wait, what?"

"Yeah, I'm pregnant."

"Does Jackson know?"

"No, I'm telling him tonight though. We actually have a date."

"A date?"

"Yeah, it was sort of odd, he dropped Delilah off and just said he wanted to try again, it was really sweet actually."

"And how do you feel about that?"

"I mean, I love him, I always have. And I know he loves me. It just scares me, maybe we're not meant to be anything more than friends, and maybe our differences are just too much."

"I know. But look at Mark, and me he and I couldn't be more different. I'm seventeen years younger, a brainiac; I listen to pop he listens to rock. But we work because we communicate. Just go into this with an open mind, treat it as any first date, pretend you were never married. Tabula rasa."

"Don't go all philosophical on me, Lexie Grey," April warned, "But I know what you mean. I think I'm to move on from all this crap and finally be happy. With or without Jackson, we'll see."

"Trust me, it'll be worth it. I'm assuming you'll need me and Mark to babysit Delilah tonight?"

"That'd be great! Thank you!"

"No problem. If it means her parents might get back together, we'll babysit her for the rest of her life," Lexie laughed.

"Dear God, I hope it doesn't take that long."

* * *

Jackson had knocked on her door promptly at 8:00; he had on his black suit with a light blue button up and plain tie.

"Hey," she answered the door while putting on her other shoe, "I'll be ready in just a second, I got to grab my purse and then we can head out." She had on a green dress that showed off her porcelain skin, it hit right above the knee and hugged her in all the right places.

"Sure thing, take your time."

She came running from the kitchen, "Okay, let's go."

The restaurant was crowded, it was a Friday night after all, and luckily Jackson had reserved a table in the back by the window so they'd have a view.

"Good evening, I'm Harry and I'll be your server this evening, can I start you two off with anything to drink?"

"Sure, we'll have the Sauvignon Blanc," Jackson answered.

"I'm actually fine with just water," April corrected.

"Sounds good. I'll be back in a bit with your wine, Sir and your water."

The meal had been excellent, Jackson strayed away from the escargots per Mark's advice and decided to order the duck confit, while April ordered the veal.

"So, Mark told me that he and Lexie were babysitting tonight, how'd you pull that off?" he asked.

"You're telling me you never got him to babysit?"

"No it's not that, it's just that this was so last minute."

"Lexie and I had a play date earlier and when I told her about the date she practically volunteered as tribute," April laughed as she put another piece of meat into her mouth.

"It was probably Mark's idea, he and I were talking about it earlier today."

"Do you think they want us back together more than we want to be back together?"

"I'm not sure about that, I really want to be back together," he confessed, "But I want to take it slow." April swallowed hard, now was as good a time as any to tell him what she had been keeping from him for weeks.

"Jackson, I need to tell you something."

"Yeah?"

"I'm pregnant."


	23. Chapter 22

A/N: Hi everyone! Thank you so much for continuing to read this story, it means the world to me! As always please review this story and let me know what you all want to see next. And special thanks to the Japril group chat especially Evelyne and Marta! Also, some scenes are directly from Season 7 episode 15, so again all rights are reserved for Shonda and they're only used for entertainment purposes. I own nothing. –R.

* * *

Fight or flight, it's the basic human instinct. When tragedy strikes what do we do? Do we freeze, stand there and watch as our world crumbles around us or do we go into action? Taking no prisoners. It may seem simple as to what someone would do, but it's never an open and shut case; nothing in life ever is.

* * *

"Derek, she's beautiful," Meredith cooed at their baby girl Cristina Amelia Shepherd born 7 lbs. 8 oz. on December 3rd, 2018.

"You did amazing," he said as he kissed her forehead. After twenty hours of labor he knew that his wife was a trooper, not that he had ever doubted her. This birth was much easier than Bailey's birth where she almost died on the operating table. Note to self, never give birth during a super storm, it's bound to end up badly.

"I just can't believe she's here," Meredith couldn't wipe the smile off of her face.

"One bedroom left to go," Derek said as he eyed Meredith.

"You're not serious, I just gave birth and you're thinking about another one?"

"What can I say, I just love making babies with you."

"Come here," she grabbed the collar of her husband's shirt and kissed him firmly. She couldn't believe it, but Meredith Grey had her family, the one she never thought she'd be privy to have. And she had it with the most amazing man imaginable. He was funny, charming, handsome, and a brilliant surgeon, as well as the best father to their four children.

"Knock, knock," Cristina peeped her head into the room, "How's my little namesake doing?"

"She's doing great, do you want to meet her?" Meredith asked her best friend. Cristina didn't want any children of her own, but she had been nothing but amazing with Meredith's. Her children would always argue on whom they liked better, Aunt Lexie or Aunt Cristina, both women were amazing with them.

"Absolutely." She came closer to Meredith's bed and held Cristina in her arms as she took her pointer finger and gently stroked her nose.

"I'm just glad I can drink tequila again," Meredith said exasperated.

"Aren't you breast-feeding her, like Alexandra?" Cristina asked.

"I want to, it's just, and it's so much work. Every time someone cries I lactate and it's so painful for my nipples. They got all cracked and chapped last time."

"And do you have anything to say about this McDreamy?"

"They're not my boobs, so I don't care," he confessed putting his hands up. Derek was never one to tell Meredith what to do with her own body, so if she didn't want to breast-feed he wasn't going to force her. Their child wouldn't die because she wasn't breast-fed.

"Mer," Cristina gave her a disapproving look, "Just think about it."

"Fine," she scoffed, "I'll think about it."

* * *

"Did Meredith have the baby yet?" Mark asked Lexie.

"Yeah. I'm just going up there now to see her. I thought Derek would have texted you, is everything okay with you two?"

"Everything's fine. I just didn't know, was stuck in an emergency surgery for a while," Mark answered, "Pretty bad car accident and the patient had really bad burns."

"Did they make it at least?" She asked her husband, gently stroking his back.

"Yeah, they did. Did you talk to Derek yet about surgeries?"

"I don't think it's the time, not now. I'll try in a few weeks, when he's not so busy with the new baby," she sulked a bit as she put another Reese's peanut butter cup into her mouth. Lexie had been known to be a stress eater and years ago when Mark and Derek had their big fight; she ate so much she had to get the scrubs with the elastic waistband.

"Lex," Mark softly said, "If you want to go we can go. I can get a job at Colombia no problem. We could even open up our own practice," he suggested.

"I don't know if I'm ready for that. I love it here. My family's here. Meredith, Derek, hell, even Cristina. I don't know if I want to fly away from here. Plus there's Sofia to think about, I don't want to pull you away from her."

"Callie and Arizona could come with us, we could open up a private practice here in Seattle."

"Seriously? You want to do that?"

"Why, it's the best of both worlds. You get to run your department and we don't have to leave the city," he laughed at the fact that the thought hadn't crossed her mind.

"This is why I married you, Mark Sloan."

"I love you, little Grey."

"I love you too."

"So, you'll think about it?" He called as she walked away from him.

"Your ego isn't attractive," she hollered back.

"You married me for something other than my ego," he called back. Lexie just shook her head with embarrassment as some nurses snickered under their breaths. She definitely didn't marry him for just his penis, but it was definitely a bonus that she thoroughly enjoyed.

* * *

Catherine had always enjoyed taking care of her grandbaby; ever since April had left she had become the little girl's impromptu motherly figure. Catherine would have wanted more children after Jackson; she loved being his mother, taking him to school, watching how his eyes lit up when he saw his first basketball game. She never thought that those "firsts" she had, as a mother would only happen once, she always thought there'd be more. Then her husband left her, well not her, but the family, and the idea of having more babies became a distant memory for her.

"Delilah, do you want spaghetti for dinner or pizza?" Catherine asked her granddaughter, who was playing with Barbies in the living room.

"Pizza, daddy never let's me have pizza," the almost four year old answered.

"Coming right up," Catherine went to grab the phone to order some pizza for the three of them. She was expecting Richard to be home in a bit; he just had some post-op notes to finish.

"Grandpa!" Delilah shouted as Richard came into the house. He and Adele had never had children of their own, so he never thought he'd be able to hear the adorable voice of a child calling him Grandpa. He had thought of Meredith Grey as the closest thing he had to a daughter, feeling some sense of responsibility for everything that happened in her life. But, Richard loved Delilah. She and him would spend afternoons at the zoo when Jackson was too busy with work for the foundation. They would have grandpa-granddaughter dates too, where'd she'd get dressed up in her "Sunday Best" and he'd take her to get ice cream or out to dinner. It was honestly quite adorable and he had the pictures to prove it, one was even the lock screen on his phone.

"Richard, I wasn't expecting you home for another hour," Catherine called from the kitchen, "I'm just ordering pizza. Pepperoni is good right?"

"Yeah that's fine," he answered, "Hey, I'm gonna go talk to your grandma, but later do you want to go get ice cream with Grandpa?"

"Absolutely," the little girl cheerily answered.

Richard made his way into the kitchen, taking off his coat and sitting down at the table with his wife.

"What's going on? Why is Delilah here?"

"Jackson told me that he and April are on a date and that Lexie was supposed to watch her, but I insisted that she come home with us."

"I didn't know that he wanted to try again, after, you know?"

"After April enlisted in the army for real? Yeah, I know. I don't know what's gotten into his head," Catherine responded.

"He's in love. We all do stupid things when we're in love, even if it goes against anyone's better judgment."

"You're thinking about you and Ellis, aren't you?" She reached for her husband's hand

"Yes. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't think about how I ruined that little girl's life. Maybe Jackson is doing the same, he's trying to fight for his family, and we should let him."

"I used to love April, I really honestly did. I never thought she'd end up with Jackson, but I had always hoped he'd end up with someone like her," Catherine confessed, "That girl was always so neurotic and uptight, but she was April. She was kind, caring, compassionate, and a damn good surgeon, even if she did suction that dorsal vein once. But all the good that she is doesn't negate what she did."

"You of all people know what she went through," Richard suggested.

"I didn't abandon my family. I never once thought of it. And for two years? Two freaking years I had to keep my son from sinking. I watched him raise his daughter alone and it was heartbreaking. I never wanted my son to have my life and now look at him."

"He doesn't have your life, April isn't your ex-husband."

"And why do you say that?"

"Because she came back and that has to mean something. She's willing to fight, and we need to help her. She's family, and family never get's left behind."

"You've been watching way too many movies with Delilah," Catherine laughed, "Did you seriously just quote Lilo and Stich to me?"

"So what if I did? It got through to you didn't it?"

* * *

"That it did," she smiled as she got up from the table and answered the door for the pizza.

The E.R. was particularly quiet today and April couldn't have been more grateful. Now a little over four months pregnant, any time she could spend off of her feet was a Godsend.

"Morning Dr. Kepner," Matthew Taylor greeted her, "How are you?"

"Matthew," she practically shrieked, "How long has it been?"

"A good few years," he laughed, "I'm married now and we have a little boy, Isaac."

"That's wonderful." She held back tears.

"So, how are the twins?" She didn't know how to tell him that her son had died and that she had gone to war for two years and divorced her husband. She thought he would've known, but he had quit working as a paramedic a few years back after deciding to go to medical school. She couldn't blame him for asking; the average person would have presumed that she had a healthy pregnancy resulting in two happily bouncing babies.

"I have a little girl, her name's Delilah. She's almost four and she's amazing. Absolutely obsessed with Disney, just like her mama," she awkwardly answered. Matthew then noticed that her hand was missing her wedding ring and immediately felt bad for her. He didn't know how to react, what was he supposed to say to the woman he used to date about her obvious divorce.

"April, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."

"It's okay, you didn't know."

He went to stroke her back, like old times, "Do you want to pray?"

"I've done a lot of that Matthew, two years in the desert will make you want to pray, but it doesn't work. Not anymore," she confessed.

"What do you mean? Of course it works."

"Matthew," she abruptly cut him off, "I did everything right in my life. I went to church every Sunday, I waited until I was 28 to have sex for the first time, and my chosen profession is saving people. I am the poster child for who God would respond to and he didn't answer. He isn't there. Nothing is there. Because in what sick universe would I lose my son, my marriage, and my sanity?" She collapsed into him, crying her eyes out. She had never said it out loud before, the fact that losing Samuel made her lose her faith in God. Maybe that why she couldn't be around Jackson, knowing about his atheist beliefs, knows that he had been right. Jackson had never been prideful about it, he supported her faith but he never wanted to get involved in it and she hadn't pushed.

She remembered when she first found out she was pregnant and they had argued about whether or not their children would be raised in a religious home. It seemed like such a huge argument at the time, and argument that could have led to divorce, but they had come to the conclusion that he'd attend church with her and the twins on Sunday mornings if and only if it'd be followed by waffles afterwards. She smiled at the thought that if you wanted Jackson to do anything you only had to offer him sex or waffles, it made it very easy to please him. But that was all null and void, because that was another life.

Now, April didn't know which was up and which way was down in regards to her faith. Who was she if not April Kepner, Virgin Mary? Everyone had known her for her faith, her religion, her entire life it had been her identity. The hours she spent in Bible study, the hours she spent praying to something she couldn't see, feel, or touch. And she was convinced that she wasn't supposed to because the whole point of believing in God was having faith that He was there, listening; even if you couldn't see him. But now, she was lost, she didn't know what to believe or what to think. And she thought going to war, going to Jordan would have made it clearer. Maybe she needed the silence to hear His voice again, but ever since Samuel died so did her connection with God. She blamed Him for everything, the loss of her son, the dissolution of her marriage, the dissipation of her sense of self.

"He's still there, He's always here," Matthew tried to console her.

"I know you mean well Matthew, but that's utter crap." She ripped herself away from the hug, "I hope you do well with everything in life and that you and your wife are happy. You deserve it."

"April, I'm always here if you need to talk. I'm serious."

"Thank you."

* * *

Meredith had been released from the hospital two days after Cristina's birth and it had been a week since then and the cabin fever was already setting in. As a part owner of the hospital she felt that it was necessary she go back and check on the status of Seattle Grace Mercy West, so she packed up Cristina and Alexandra and headed there. Both Zola and Bailey were in school and Derek had dropped them off in the morning.

"Knock knock," she began as she popped her head into her husband's office. Derek also had the option to take a paternity leave, but they decided for him to take his after she took hers so the kids would have both parents home for longer, also he couldn't stay away from his O.R. if someone put a gun to his head, "We just wanted to say hi to Daddy."

"Hi daddy," Alexandra muttered.

"Come here sunshine," Derek cooed as Meredith let go of the little girl's hand and he went to pick her up. He put her on his shoulders as he leaned in to give Meredith a kiss as well as little Cristina.

"What are you doing here?" He wondered.

"Derek, I am so bored. I just need to cut something."

"You're on maternity leave, you know the drill."

"Do I need to bat my eyelashes?" Meredith asked.

"How much time do you need? I'll watch the girls if you wanna go scrub in on a surgery."

"I'll be a few hours, can you handle the both of them for that long?"

"Meredith Grey do you doubt my abilities as a father?" he joked.

"Every single day, don't know how I keep up with you."

"Because you love me."

"That I do."

"Okay, well I'll page Lexie and tell her to take point on Mrs. Jacobs' aneurysm clipping, I was going to let her anyways so now this will free up my afternoon."

"Don't you think it's time for you to give her more free reign?" Meredith suggested, "She's a brilliant surgeon and if you don't let her do more surgeries she's going to leave."

"She just finished her fellowship, I'm not ready to let her swim just yet."

"I heard her and Mark talking about opening a private practice," Meredith stated, "And it wasn't one of those silly ideas that Mark always has, Lexie told me they've already contacted a relator to look at spaces."

"Are you serious? Mark hasn't said anything to me."

"Who do you think he's going to side with? His best friend or his wife, the woman who has sex with him," Meredith raised her eyebrow at him.

"Typical Mark Sloan, always thinking with his penis," Derek scoffed.

"Penis?" Alexandra repeated.

"Oh my God," Meredith and Derek both gasped in unison.

"I'm going to get you for that," Meredith threatened, "You've got our daughter saying, 'penis'," she mouthed the final word.

"Penis," Alexandra said again, causing Meredith to put her hand to her forehead, shaking her head in discontentment while Derek just looked at his wife sympathetically. He knew he was in the dog house, but he had to admit it was hilarious hearing his two year old daughter say penis, not like she'd see one of those for at least thirty years. He and Meredith had made the deal that the girls wouldn't date until they were thirty or he was dead, well they hadn't exactly come to an agreement on that deal, but he knew Meredith would agree eventually.

* * *

Meredith headed down to the E.R. after getting the okay from Owen to operate today.

"Meredith, what are you doing here? Didn't you just have a baby last week?" Alex asked.

"Yeah, but she's with Derek right now and I need to cut something."

"Mer," Cristina asked, "Why aren't you with mini-me?"

"That nickname is not sticking," she scoffed, "And I'm here to find a surgical case."

"We're no longer interns, you don't have to fish for surgical cases, just go and take one," Alex suggested.

"Oh, that looks good." She pointed to a man sitting calmly on the bed.

"That's what you're going for, Mer?" Cristina asked disappointed, "The guy who's hunched over and looks like he has a stomach ache? You've been gone a week, have you lost your edge or something?"

"Come on, it's going to be surgical, I promise you."

"Sure," Cristina and Alex said in unison.

"Have fun with that Mer, I have another patient to get to, who's actually a surgical case," Cristina teased.

"Me too," Alex added.

Meredith ignored her friends' remarks and headed over to the gentleman.

* * *

April had been manning the E.R. for a few hours when he came into her E.R. She normally would have given the case to an intern, but she wasn't doing anything important and wanted to help. The patient was probably in his late forties, by the look of his hair, which was graying a bit. He had on a pair of black slacks and he was on his cell phone.

"The guys at work overreacted and insisted I come to the E.R. Sweetie, I just had a big lunch, hardly qualifies as chest pain. No, what I need are some antacids. I'll be there, I promise, just tell Max to put on his jersey."

"Hi, I'm Dr. Kepner," she greeted the gentleman.

"Oliver Richter," the man replied, "I'm sorry about the phone, I'm supposed to pick my son up for a basketball game later. He's a huge Huskie's fan."

"I'm sure he'll understand," April suggested.

"You don't know my son."

"I'm assuming he's a big fan, so is my husband," she smiled, "I'm just gonna take a listen to your heart."

"Biggest nine year old fan you'll ever meet," he confessed.

"Okay, well, your EKG looks normal, and your heart sounds good. But if there's one thing we don't take lightly around here, it's chest pain. But Tyler is going to do the portable chest X-ray and we'll try to get you out of here as soon as possible.

"Thanks, Dr. Kepner.

April called for Cristina to come down and check the man's EKG because she was a bit of a loss.

"Alright, Kepner what do you got?" the cardio goddess asked.

"Ok, 42-year old male complaining of midsternal chest pain. No cardiac risk factors, no angina, pain doesn't radiate. The EKG looks clean. These are his films," she showed Cristina.

"They're mostly clear," Cristina added.

"Does the mediastinum look a little wide to you? Because I know sometimes that can happen with a portable X-ray."

"You got cardiac enzymes?"

Yes," Kepner responded. "Call him in for a PA and lateral films and tell them to rush it."

"Will do, Dr. Yang."

"What's go you so chipper again Kepner?"

"Nothing. It's just been a good day in the pit, that's all."

"How'd your date with pretty-boy go?"

"How'd you know about that? The redhead asked shocked.

"He told Mark, who told Lexie, who told Meredith, who told me. You really shouldn't be surprised about that by now, Kepner."

"True," she rolled her eyes, "Privacy is really surprising at this hospital."

"Come on, I'm your friend April, I just wanted to know how your date with you ex-husband went."

"It was fine," she answered.

"Just fine? Come on, Kepner spill. Are you two getting back together, did you have sex?"

"I'm going to go get those films for you Dr. Yang," she diverted the conversation.

"I will get the answer out of you Kepner," Yang called back.

April went back to Oliver and told him the news.

"Good news?" he asks with a hopeful grin, but April only sighs in response, "Or not such good news?"

"Oliver, your second X-ray is still concerning. Dr. Yang and I agree that you should have a CT to rule out anything serious."

"How long will that take? Ah- my son's calling," he answered his cell phone and quickly talked with his son, he held it to he neck and quietly said to April, "he's worried we're going to miss tip-off. What should I tell him? Do I need to tell him we're gonna miss the game?"

"I wish I had an answer for you, but I think it's a safe bet you'll be late." He looked disappointed, but continued talking to his son on the phone, while April left him alone and ordered the CT.

"Dr. Kepner, they're calling from CT," a nurse said, "your patient is coding in the scanner."

"What? Page Dr. Yang now." April ran like the wind to get up to there.

"Kepner, talk to me," Cristina ordered as she ran up to meet Kepner.

"He was coding when I got here. I defibrillated him three times, I gave him three rounds of epi, two of atropine, and I loaded him up with amiodarone. But he's tachycardia now; he's barely hanging on. He needs surgery."

"Book on O.R." Cristina ordered an intern.

"I'll get a room prepped and ready," he answered.

"No time. His aorta is dissecting as we speak. He needs surgery right now. Let's move," she practically yelled.

"Let's hold that elevator!" April yelled.

"Once these doors open, we're gonna have to get him to the O.R. and open him as soon as possible, "Cristina instructed.

"I know," April, added.

"Even then, if that aorta tears we may already be too late. We're not going to have time to scrub.

"I know."

"Thanks." The elevator dings and the two women run like mad to get to the O.R.

"Just pour the beta dine straight onto the chest," she instructed the intern, "It doesn't need to be pretty. We need to get in there. Scalpel," she commanded. April hadn't operated with Cristina in forever, but she was envious at how the woman managed to command an O.R. even in times of extreme panic like this.

"Get in there quickly, Kepner," Yang instructed.

"This guy though he had a bad case of heartburn. He went from that to this in less than 45 minutes," she said.

"That's how these work, how's his pressure?"

"Seventies and dropping," a nurse responded.

"Retractor!" Cristina called, "Every beat of his heart rips this tear a little bit wider."

"How many of these ruptured dissections have you caught in time to operate?" the intern asked Dr. Yang.

"Forty, maybe fifty," she replied while her hands were still working like man inside the man's chest.

"How many have you been able to save," April asked.

Cristina looked her dead in the eye and responded, "Three."

"Alright I'm in," she said, "Oh no, no, no! Damn it! He's bleeding out! His aorta's wide open! Clamp," she called, "Come on, come on, come on! All right, Kepner, let's try sucker bypass."

"Okay."

"There's too much blood," April added.

"Once we get him on bypass it'll be easier to control," Yang said.

"Heart's fibrillating," April stressfully added.

"All right, cardiac massage! Paddles! I've almost got him cannulated. Charge to ten! Clear! Damn it. He's bleed out of his nose and ears."

"What do we do?" The intern asked.

"Nothing," April responded, "His aorta's in shreds. Call it."

"Time of death 18:52," the young intern solemnly stated. April hated losing a patient just as much as Cristina did. She thought that the techniques she learned in Jordan would help her, but for some reason she still lost patients and there was nothing she could do about it.

"You did good in there Kepner," Yang commented, "And if you ever need to talk about anything regarding you and Jackson I'm here to listen. You're my friend and I only want what's best for you."

"I know. Thank you." The redhead smiled, "I'm going to go back to the E.R., get my stuff, and head home."

"Good night, Kepner."

"Night, Cristina."

* * *

The next morning April had gone into the hospital early for her second OB appointment with Arizona. Her best friend knew that April had meant to tell Jackson about the pregnancy, but was afraid to ask how it went. April had been fairly mum about the subject of her ex-husband and the date that they went on two weeks ago. But Arizona had hope that the two would work things out, they were meant to be together, she knew it and so did everyone else in the hospital.

"Is Jackson going to be joining you today?" A chipper Arizona asked.

"Nope, it's just me." April sighed as she lifted her shirt up for Arizona. Arizona didn't say anything, she just gently put her hand on her best friends hand and gave her a reassuring look of acceptance. Maybe she had been wrong.


	24. Chapter 23

A/N: Hi everyone, thank you for reading this until this point, it's been hard to come up with new and exciting storylines that keep you all invested. I know you all want a payoff for Jackson's reaction and trust me it will be coming! 3 please, as always, review this story. I really appreciate it! –R.

* * *

I love the way you do your hair, I love the way you smile, I love the way you scrunch your nose when you're thinking. But most of all, I love the way you love me.

* * *

It started out as any January day in Seattle, the air was crisp and there was a fresh coat of snow covering the ground. April had been grateful to come back to it, because a white Christmas wasn't always guaranteed here. April had decided to spend Christmas with her family, without Delilah. She and Jackson had agreed that it was for the best for her to keep her usual routine and traveling would be too much for her to handle, since she wasn't completely comfortable with April yet. Although it stung not to spend Christmas with Delilah, April knew it was for the best.

* * *

So, on December 23rd, April packed up her bags, kissed her daughter goodbye, and took a cab to the airport. The last time she was here, she was leaving for Jordan. The soul cleansing trip that was supposed to last three months, but ended up lasting two years and if it weren't for her injuries undoubtfuly longer. She remembered the day so clearly now, him standing in the airport with their baby strapped to his chest, and the pain in his eyes after she told him, "I love you Jackson, and I'll always come back to you." How naïve had she been to not hear the pitiful lie that seeped through her lips. She had really thought she meant it, she honestly did, but times change and people change, and before we ever really notice it the person we used to be is completely unrecognizable.

Jordan was nothing like Seattle or even Moline, or anywhere April Kepner had ever been in her life. It was hot and dry and the sun beat down like you were in the third circle of Dante's Hell. April was never the type of person to make a bunch of friends or be miss popularity, those roles were usually reserved for her sisters. No, people usually found her to be a bit neurotic and felt that her chipper personality could only be described as annoying. However, that was the old April the one whose son hadn't died in her arms. She would have been too cheery, but this April doubtfully would attract even a hello from anyone. She felt like she had a dark cloud following her, but then again no one knew her here, it was a blank slate, tabula rasa.

So she made a decision right there and then, to not be the annoying, redheaded chief resident that everyone loved to make fun of. And she refused to be the victim, she was so sick of people looking at her with pity in their eyes at Seattle Grace. She needed to breathe, God she needed to breathe. If Jordan was anything, it was freeing. It was the place, where for once she fit in; she was apart of the cool crowd, her work mattered.

"April Kepner?" A man with a distinguishable New Zealand accent asked her.

"Yeah, that's me," she responded.

"Dr. Nathan Riggs," he extended out his hand, "It's nice to have you aboard."

"It's very nice to be here," she pleasantly smiled.

She and Nathan had developed a very close friendship over the months that she had been in Jordan. She had completely forgotten about the pain of losing Samuel, she hadn't forgotten her son in the slightest, but the crippling feeling like she was drowning was evaporating. Nathan was funny, charismatic, and he didn't let her slack off. He pushed her and he didn't treat her like some broken person, who needed someone to look after her and take care of her. He gave her space to breathe and for that she was eternally grateful. Then the day came where April had received the second worst news of her life, Jackson had filed for divorce.

"Keps, what is it?" Nathan asked.

"It's nothing, I don't really want to talk about it."

"Come on, I know you and you always want to talk about everything," he pushed.

"This time I honestly don't," she muttered.

"Okay." As he turned around to leave, she responded to him again.

"Do you think what I did was wrong?"

"I don't understand, what did you do?" Nathan was truly in the dark because April had not really disclosed what had gone on in Seattle. She just told the camp that she had a husband and a daughter back home, but didn't go further than that.

"Was I wrong to leave my family?"

"April, I can't answer that for you. Do you think you were wrong to leave your family?"

"No. I don't know. But it doesn't matter now anyways, because Jackson's divorcing me."

"Oh, April," he sighed as he took her in his arms, "I'm terribly sorry."

"Me too," she admitted. Then she looked into Nathan's deep brown eyes and she didn't know what had come over her, maybe it was anger or it was lust, but she kissed him. And not just a peck. A real kiss, one where her body sunk into his and he held her waist and she didn't open her eyes until it was over.

"Wow," she said, "I don't know why I just did that."

"Me either," he stumbled over his words, "But I liked it."

"Yeah, me too," she laughed. And then their camp was hit.

* * *

The drive to the hospital was fairly normal for her, now four months pregnant she was done with her morning sickness and so she had moved on to the stage of pregnancy where her belly showed just a little, not in scrubs, and she felt like she could hold down her food. Life was going about as well as it could be, she had had a check up with Arizona yesterday and the baby looked fine and healthy. And, thankfully, there was only one baby in there this time.

"Morning Kepner," Owen greeted her.

"Morning Chief," she replied back, however, her back was to him.

"Um April," he stuttered, "There's someone here I want you to meet. He's our new cardio surgeon." As soon as he said that April turned around and there he was standing in front of her, in the flesh, unharmed and still as handsome as ever, Nathan Riggs.

"Nathan!" She squealed as she jumped into a hug. "You're okay!" She practically cried tears of joy, that didn't go unnoticed by anyone in the E.R. even Jackson who had been down there for a burn victim consult.

"Keps!" He smiled back, "Did you miss me?"

"More than you could possibly know!"

"You two know each other?" Owen asked confused.

"Of course we do, he was in Jordan with me, best guy on the team," she laughed.

"Come on, me the best? No one could keep up with you, Keps, your were like the energizer bunny."

"You're just flattering me," she teased.

"You're much easier to win over than that," he winked. Jackson on the other hand was disgusted by the conversation that was going on, he was trying his best to ignore it and not let it get to him, but he had a sinking feeling about her friend, Nathan.

"Dude, you look like you've just seen a ghost," Alex said to him.

"No, I'm fine," Jackson quickly replied.

"No you're not. Seriously what's going on with you? First you tell April that you want to date, then you two go on a date, and now you won't even look at each other. What is with you two and not saying how you feel?" Alex asked.

"It's more complicated than that."

"Enlighten me then. Is it because she's pregnant?"

"How'd, how'd you know that?" Jackson confessed.

"It's not that hard to tell," Alex scoffed, "Plus it's Kepner, she seemed a bit more neurotic than usual."

"Well, that's April," Jackson sighed thinking about the "old April" the one who he had fallen in love with.

"So, how'd you take it? Are you two back together?"

"I'm taking it as best I can, I mean what's done is done. And no, we're not back together."

"God, Avery, how dumb are you?"

"Excuse me?"

"You're looking at her with puppy dog eyes, you're in love with that woman and you haven't stopped being in love with her since she left, so stop looking at her and actually go and do something about it."

"She's not the April I fell in love with," he shyly admitted, "For her I'd step into a burning building, but now, I just don't know."

"For someone with such a big brain, you sure as hell don't know how to use it," Alex yelled, "Crap my kids coding, I gotta run."

* * *

"Mark," Derek shouted from down the hall.

"Shepherd, what can I help you with?" He asked.

"What is this I hear about you and Lexie opening a private practice?"

"It's nothing, really. We're just looking at options," he hesitantly answered.

"What's this really about? Is little grey mad at me for not giving her enough reign in the O.R.?"

"That's something you and Lexie should discuss, Derek."

"I can't believe this. Doesn't she know I trust her?"

"You haven't done a real good job of showing it," Mark admitted, "Lexie's a brilliant surgeon you have to let her swim, man."

"I will. Please, don't leave the hospital," Derek pleaded.

"And leave my best friend? You'd have to pry the scalpel from my cold, dead hands," Mark laughed.

"You weren't really going to leave were you?"

"Never in a million years," Mark smiled.

* * *

Jackson thought back to the night of their date, the date that he had planned to restart his relationship with April. It was supposed to be a romantic evening that ended with them either having sex or at least talking to one another. He was okay with either option, although he would have preferred the sex, because he did miss it. He missed having her body close to his, where he could feel her heart beating and her panting breaths against his neck. He missed running his hands through her hair and her arching her neck back in response. He missed the way she'd kiss him down his chest and look at him seductively as she did it. He missed the way she smiled at him, the way she would laugh at his jokes, the way she tucked her hair behind her ear when she was thinking, or how she'd bite her lip in an attempt to be flirty. He missed all the physical connections he had with April Kepner, but even more he missed the emotional connections. She was his best friend and losing her as his wife stung more than anything in his life had, but he could live without the sex and the touching and the closeness, but he couldn't live without talking to her, without sharing his highs and lows of the day with her. That was pure torture. So, he had decided he wanted to date her, do things the right way this time. But then she dropped the bombshell of all bombshells.

"I'm pregnant," April, said calmly.

"What?" Jackson choked on his water, "What do you mean?"

"I mean, I'm pregnant," she said blankly.

"I don't understand, how are you pregnant? We used a condom."

"Condoms break, Jackson."

"How far along are you?"

"Thirteen weeks," she admitted. And then it hit him; the anger rose to the surface and it took every ounce of strength he had to not flip the table over. How could she have kept this from him for weeks, knowing that he'd want to be involved; knowing that it would have factored into his decision about if he wanted a divorce or not.

"What the Hell April, why didn't you tell me?"

"I don't know, okay? I was scared, and I know that's a really lame ass excuse, but it's all I've got. I'm just afraid it's going to turn out like last time and I didn't want to subject you to that kind of pain, not again."

"April, I'm a big boy, I can handle that kind of pain. You don't have to be a martyr and go through it alone," he gently responded as he reached out for her hand.

"You're, you're not mad?" She asked between the tears.

"Oh no, I'm mad that you kept this from me, but I'm not mad that you're pregnant. We're going to have another baby," he smiled, "And that is the best news I've heard in a long time."

"Yeah," she said back, "It really is exciting."

* * *

April wasn't prepared to see Nathan today, although she was over the moon excited that he was okay and that nothing had happened to him in Jordan. The entire drive home she couldn't stop thinking about Jordan and everything that had happened there and everything it had made her become. In ways she hated the person that it made her become and in others she loved it. But that was all in the past now and she had to move forward, she was no longer in the army, no longer surrounded by roadside bombs and enemy combatants. No, now she was in Seattle, working as a trauma surgeon in a hospital that could seem like a warzone at times, with a daughter and another child on the way. Her life was finally looking normal, and she was happy about that.

So she pulled into her garage, grabbed her bag, and walked into her house. As she opened the door the smell of lasagna almost whacked her in the face.

"Hey, I didn't think you'd be home this early," Jackson said as he came up to her and gave her a kiss.

"Yeah, there weren't any emergencies so Hunt let me go home early. How's Delilah doing, is she upstairs?"

"Yes, she's working on a little art project, you'll love it when you see it. And I've got dinner going, it should be ready in fifteen minutes or so," he said as he was putting some lettuce in the salad spinner to dry it off.

"How'd I get so lucky to have you?" April asked in amazement.

"I could ask you the same thing," he responded back, "How has the baby been treating you? I'm sorry I couldn't make the appointment yesterday, the board had me way too preoccupied."

"It's okay. I don't really know if I want the whole hospital to know we're back together yet, I kind of like our little family bubble."

"Me too, but that doesn't mean I don't want to call you my wife at work, because I do," he laughed, "I want to shout it from the rooftops."

"Okay, simmer down there Tarzan," she laughed at him, "Maybe you can shout it from your hand and put your ring back on," she suggested.

"It would be my pleasure."

"I'm gonna go get Delilah and get her prepped for dinner," April said as she got up from the table, "Be back in a few."

"I'll be waiting," Jackson joked.

She had it all, the husband, the house, the job, the family; but somehow in the back of her mind April knew that something was going to burst. No one could be this happy and not have the rug ripped out from under them. She could only pray that Nathan had moved on and that he wouldn't say anything to Jackson. So, she whipped out her phone and texted him

 _Sent: Do you want to meet at Joe's tomorrow night?_

 _Received: Sure, my shift ends at 9:00. See you then._

 _Sent: Great see you then._


	25. Chapter 24

**A/N: Do you want this story to be continued? I feel that I'm not getting enough reviews and so, I need to know if it's worth even finishing. This chapter will be the last chapter until I get 100 reviews. Thank you all. Also, I am traveling for the next three weeks before I get back to the states, so updates will not be as frequent.**

 _One Month Earlier_

It had been just like any other day of her life, April Kepner's alarm went off, she stretched her arms over her head, and then she'd go and open her curtains to let the sunshine in. However, this morning, no alarm had gone off and the curtains were already open, and the man who had fallen asleep next to her last night was nowhere to be seen. He was never an early riser, so she was quite confused by his absence. Then, a soft knock came at the door.

"April?" He asked.

"Yeah, Jackson?" she replied slightly confused as to why he wasn't lying next to her, at 7:00 in the morning.

"Good, you're up," he smiled as he opened the door, along with their daughter in toe and a plate of pancakes with strawberries and maple syrup on top.

"What is all this?"

"Well, today is the day that you decided you wanted to marry me," he said.

"Jackson, we got married in August, it's December, you've got your months mixed up," she coyly replied.

"Oh I do? Do I?" And then she saw it, a black velvet box with a diamond ring in it.

"Oh my God, Jackson, I don't know what to say," she gasped as her hands met her face in awe.

"I want us to be a family again, and these past few weeks have been absolutely amazing, so will you re-marry me?"

"Yes," she gleefully accepted as he slid the ring onto her finger, "God I don't know how you could top this proposal," she laughed.

"Oh, I'm not done yet."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, get dressed and then you'll find out," he teased, "Come on Delilah, let's go and let mommy eat her pancakes."

"Yay," she giggled.

"Yay indeed," April thought as she admired the ring on her left ring finger. Finally she was getting her family back, maybe in the least conventional way ever, but maybe somehow she would get everything she had ever dreamed of. The man who loved her, the daughter she loved, and the potential for something more with the baby she was carrying inside of her. April Kepner now had hope, something she had been missing for far too long.

So, April did what she normally did in the morning. She got out of bed, showered, this time taking extra care to shave her legs and everything else perfectly. As she got out of the shower she admired her barely there baby bump and smiled. Finally, something good was happening in her life. She took the time to blow dry her hair and curled it, with big barrel curls that flowed gently over her shoulders. She kept her makeup to a minimal with just a bit of foundation, blush, and mascara. She put on a pair of jeans and a sweater and she was ready to go in about thirty minutes. April did a once over in the mirror and was quite satisfied, even spotting her old ring on her finger; it felt like it had finally come home, as had she. She breathed slowly, she could do this, and she could have the picture perfect life. The one that she had always dreamed of.

"Are you ready?" Jackson called from downstairs, snapping April out of her trance.

"Just about, give me a few minutes and I'll be right down," she replied.

"I'll be in the car, just meet me there," he said.

April took her time putting on her shoes and grabbing her coat, she fluffed her hair one last time and headed downstairs and got into the car where Jackson already had their daughter strapped in the back.

"Hey there, bug," she cooed at Delilah.

"Mommy," the little girl said back, causing April to tear up, Jackson then put his hand on her knee and smiled at her.

"So, mommy, are you ready for your surprise?" April couldn't help but feel giddiness flowing through her veins and a dorky smile just came over her.

"As ready as I'll ever be," she said taking his hand in hers.

"Let's go then."

Jackson Avery had never been a romantic; he had never really had to be one. He was Jackson Avery, charming, charismatic, and well beautiful. Girls swooned for him and he let them gravel at his feet. He normally had all of the power in relationships, but now with April. April was different, she always had been. She never cared about the fact that he was an Avery; she wasn't fazed by his good looks either. Never in his life had he wanted to sweep someone off of their feet like he wanted to with April right now, especially after everything that they had been through. This was going to be their fresh start, a new beginning.

"So, where are we going?" She asked.

"I never thought you'd ask," he laughed, "But I think you know. It's about thirteen hours away."

"Lake Tahoe?"

"Lake Tahoe," he assured, "I'm taking us back to the start."

"What did I ever do to deserve you?"

"I could ask you the same exact thing."

"No, Jackson," she tried to hold back tears, "I don't deserve you. You've given me everything I could have ever dreamed of in my life. You are my breath of fresh air and I'm so sorry that it took me so long to see that. I need you to know that. I never stopped loving you."

"And I never stopped loving you. And everything else is in the past, so let's leave it there. It's you, me, our daughter, and the little nugget, forever and always."

"You're amazing," she whispered, "Absolutely amazing."

"I know," he sarcastically replied.

The drive was thirteen hours, exactly the same as the last time they came here. The mountains were just as beautiful as last time, but the lake seemed to be a bit bluer. Jackson parked the car in front of the same motel they went to last time and started to gather their things from the trunk, while April took Delilah out of her car seat.

"Reservation for Avery," he told the woman at the front desk.

"Ah, yes sir. We have the room you requested." She handed him the room key, same as last time, April was surprised at how well he had remembered the details of their last adventure here.

"This is beyond perfect."

"Trust me, it gets better," he told her.

"How?"

"You'll see, I'm gonna take Delilah out for a walk to calm her energy down. Meet me by the lake in an hour and wear what I packed you, okay?"

"Okay?" She replied confused.

"I love you," he called before leaving.

"I love you too," April, responded.

She looked at herself in the mirror, she had seen better days, so she decided to take a shower, wash her face, and her hair. She was in her robe as she went to open her bag, which Jackson had so kindly packed. And then she saw it, her wedding dress, the mid-calf length dress with cap sleeves and lace detailing. She put it on, it fit just as well as last time, and her baby bump was barely visible. April finished getting ready and with a few minutes to spare she headed down to the lake where Jackson had set up a beautiful wedding ceremony. And that's when she lost it. She cried her eyes out when she saw her parents, her sisters, his mother, and Dr. Weber. He had invited their family, to surprise her; he was clearly the most amazing man to have ever existed.

"April," Alex Karev nudged her from behind, "Will you take me arm?"

"Alex?"

"I told your dad I wanted to walk you down the aisle this time, are you okay with that?"

"Yes, absolutely," she couldn't wipe the smile off of her face as she took Alex's arm and walked towards Jackson.

"We are gathered together to celebrate the very special love between bride and groom, by joining them in marriage," the minister began, "All of us need and desire to love and to be loved and the highest form of love between two people is within a monogamous, committed relationship," he continued his sermon before saying, "April and Jackson have decided to write their own vows, Jackson."

"April, I didn't think I'd be able to put into a few short sentences how I feel about you. You are the love of my life, my best friend, the mother to my children, and everyday that I spent without you was torture. I never want to be without you, I never want to wake up without you besides me, I don't want to miss any more of you because you complete me. I used to say that soul mates weren't real, what kind of a system would it be that we only get one soul mate, and then I fell in love with you. Soul mates are real and you're mine, I love you." April was crying, he always told her beautiful things, but never so publicly in front of their family and Alex.

"Well, I don't know how I could top that, because this was a complete surprise and I don't have a speech prepared," she said causing the crowd to laugh, "But Jackson, you are everything I could have ever wanted in a man. You're strong, courageous; you inspire me to be a better version of myself. I see you with our daughter and I think I fall in love with you more, and I know you're going to be just as great with the next one. I love you."

"You may now kiss the bride."

And that's when Jackson planted a huge kiss on his wife; finally she was his wife again, tipping her back causing the crowd to 'woo'. He took her back to their motel room, while the reception was getting set up. He wouldn't have been able to pull this off if his mother hadn't insisted on helping. She was so mad that she didn't get to witness their wedding last time, so she jumped at the opportunity to put in her two cents. The only thing Jackson requested was that it be as similar to their last wedding as possible, because that wedding was perfect.

Jackson carried April over the threshold, into their motel room and then he laid her down on the bed.

"Surprised?" He asked.

"You have absolutely no idea. I'm actually in shock right now."

"Good."

"I can't believe you did this, and you even flew my family out here," she beamed as she began kissing him.

"You deserve it."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome."

"Jackson," she asked.

"Yeah?"

"Make love to your wife."

"With pleasure."

 _Present Day:_

April walked into Joe's, hoping that she'd see no one besides Nathan. She wanted to talk to him quickly, squash whatever they had between them in Jordan, and then she'd head home to her husband and daughter. So, she sat down in a booth, ordered a coke, and texted him telling him that she was there.

"Hey," he greeted her.

"Hi Nathan," she got up to hug him.

"So, what did you need to talk about?" He asked as he sat down and started to puruse the beer menu.

"This is going to be awkard, but I need to talk about Jordan."

"Yeah? What about it?"

"The kiss. I need to talk about this kiss."

"April, I didn't come to Seattle to follow you, if that's what you're thinking."

"No, I don't think that at all."

"Then what is it?"

"Jackson and I are married," she confessed.

"Really? That's wonderful."

"I know. And I don't want anything to ruin it, we're finally happy and I can't shake the feeling that if anyone finds out about what happened in Jordan," she rambled.

"April, April," he soothed, "I won't say anything. It was over a year ago, I'm over it."

"Over it?"

"Never mind, forget I said anything."

"Nathan?"

"You know what, I should go," he said as he started to get up to leave.

"I would have wanted to, too. That's why I feel so guilty, but Nathan, I would have wanted to too."

"Really?"

"Yeah," she said, "Things were just so hard back then between me and Jackson and you were so freeing. You didn't judge me, you didn't pity me, and I needed that. And do I think about you and how things could have been if our camp hadn't been ambushed, yes. But, I'm with Jackson and I love him, and we're having another baby, and things just need to be okay with us."

"I understand. I only want you to be happy, Keps, even from a distance."

"I'm really sorry Nathan, I never should have put you in this position in the first place."

"You never forced me to do anything, April," his eyes met hers.

"Are you sure?"

"Absolutely."

"Positive?"

"Yep," he replied.

"Well, I'm going to go and head home, would you mind walking me to my car?"

"It'd be my pleasure." And then it happened, his one arm was around her waist and the other was caught up in her hair. Her body pressed against his, closing the gap between them, and close enough where she could feel his bulge in his pants. He kissed her, deep and passionately, just like he had kissed her in Jordan. She ran her hands up and down his chest, and she was going to do more until her phone rang.

"Crap," she muttered, "I got to go. This never happened."

"My lips are sealed, goodnight Keps," he smiled.

The entire drive home April was filled with guilt. What the Hell had she just done? She was about to have sex with another man, a man that wasn't her husband and for what? Jackson was absolutely perfect, he was kind, caring, and he waited on her hand and foot. He was everything she needed and nothing she deserved.

"Hey, I'm home," she called as she put her keys on the hook.

"Hey, you're a bit late," he said as he leaned in to kiss her.

"Yeah, I just had some post-op notes to do," she lied.

"Oh I see. Well, dinner's in the oven if you want to reheat it, I'm watching the game in the living room if you want to join me."

"I'd love to, let me just get showered first and I'll be out in a bit."

"Okay." He watched his wife leave the kitchen, still smelling like men's cologne that he knew wasn't his. Jackson just stood there in pure and utter disbelief, was April cheating on him?

 **A/N: All right everyone this is where the story ends for now, if no one wants me to continue. I have a plan for their story, but please, please I need people to review this story and let me know where your heads are at.**


	26. Chapter 25

**A/N: This story is continuing, but I need everyone to review it when they read it. I need to get your guys' opinion on the story and where it's going. Also, this will be the last update for a while, as I am travelling and then meeting my family. Updates will probably happen on May 29** **th** **, once I'm back in the U.S. and have gotten used to the jet lag! Xoxo Rachel P.S. please P.M. me about the Japril group chat!**

Cristina Yang had always been a little too cold for the average person. But being cold made her a good surgeon. It meant that she didn't feel her losses like the others did, it meant she could do her job with the utmost care and efficiency, but it also meant that other people didn't understand her. Why did she find surgery to be such a competition? Why did she find joy in other people's pain? She wanted people to think that she had been cold for her entire life, that this is just who she was deep down, but people aren't made cold, they become it. No, Cristina was never a bubbly, ray of sunshine type of girl, but there used to be a time where she didn't look at the world as a dying entity. There used to be hope. Used to be.

"Cristina," April snapped, bringing her out of her daydream.

"Yeah?" She groggily asked.

"Were you even paying attention?" April asked.

"Yeah, Cristina, where's your head at?" Meredith added.

"I'm fine, don't worry about it," she shoved the topic off. Cristina Yang was a surgeon, not a whiner; she could handle her own problems. Sure she and Owen were still together, but not really together, and today's the day her father died, and she has a very stressful surgery scheduled for this afternoon; but Cristina Yang was no complainer. She knew other people had it worse than her, April and Jackson for example. No, she would sit quietly and eat her food, this day will pass and the next one will be better, she just has to wait.

"Cristina," Meredith pried.

"Seriously, Mer. Drop it," she responded, "I'm fine."

"Okay," April added, "Well, let's get back to the topic at hand, Delilah's birthday. She's turning four and I really want to do something special!"

"Wow, it feels like yesterday that Zola turned four, you really have to cherish it," Meredith smiled thinking about her daughter and how she opened her eyes to something greater. Meredith was never one of those women who thought that children would make her life complete, that she'd be a complete failure if she never got married or had children, she was okay with having them, but she never let herself want them. Not really want them, because, you can't be disappointed by not having something if you never really wanted it in the first place.

"Do you know what Delilah's into?" Cristina asked, trying to keep the subject and her mind off of her problems.

"Well," April began, not knowing how to finish her thought. She was Delilah's mother, but she didn't know much about her. Of course she knew her name, her birthdate, the fact that she hated shredded Parmesan on her pasta, but she didn't really know her, "I'm thinking Disney princess, maybe Belle? Tiana?"

"Oh April," Meredith laughed, "Please don't. She'll hate that."

"What? Really?" She asked shocked.

"Jackson told us, day one, never mention Disney to her. She's been conditioned to hate it; it was honestly hilarious when he told us. She loves Beyoncé, Star Wars, and anything to do with the Kardashians."

"I'm going to kill him," she gritted her teeth, "She's four, why does she know who the Kardashians are?"

"Everyone knows who they are, they're a multimedia empire," Cristina joked, "Especially since they _came_ from humble beginnings."

"I hate you," April scowled, "I am not having a Kardashian themed party for my four year old. I'd rather gouge my eyes out."

"Beyoncé then?" Meredith asked, "She's very fun, has good music, great role model."

"It's all a bit too scandalous for her, plus I want something the other kids can engage in. How can kids engage in a Beyoncé themed party?"

"Well you can do karaoke, dance routines, makeup, costumes, honestly anything under the sun," Meredith said.

"I don't know, what about Star Wars. I didn't know Jackson liked it, it doesn't seem like him," April stated.

"He was your husband, you'd think you'd know that he would have done anything to make you happy," Cristina scoffed, "He knew that you liked it, so he introduced it to Delilah. They watch it practically every week. She's obsessed." April was taken slightly aback, her daughter hadn't mentioned it once and she'd been living with them for a couple of months now.

"Hmm," April muttered, "What episodes is he showing her?"

"Do you think I know? Was I over at your house when he was watching them?" Cristina scoffed.

"No," April shyly admitted.

"All I know, is last year for Halloween he dressed her up as Padme and it was the most adorable thing I've ever seen. He even gave her a little light saber and she went around telling everyone that she was from naboo and here to save the republic. I almost died at the curtness," Meredith said.

"Me too," Cristina added, "Jackson really knows how to go all out on the costumes. Like her first Halloween she was a chicken, then she was Blu-Ivy, and last year she was Padme. No doubt he'll top himself this year."

"Yeah," April added softly, "He really has been a good dad." The words barely left her lips in more than a whisper.

"April," Meredith soothed, "I'm sorry, did we say something?"

"No, no. It's just my hormones, I'm okay, really."

"No you're not, Kepner," Cristina bluntly said.

"Cristina," Meredith scolded.

"No, I'm not going to sit here and let her tell you she's fine. She's not fine. No one would be. No one should be after what she went through. She's lost more than most people could have imagined, and she's still standing. It's a miracle, if anything, it's a sign that there's hope for the rest of us. And sure, she wasn't, still isn't perfect. She left, she abandoned ship, but it doesn't matter because she came back. And I know April loves her daughter, she never stopped, and she'll love her next baby just as much. So, April," she looked at her intently, "You need to stop beating yourself up about this. You may have done a horrible thing, but you're no where near close to a horrible person."

"I cheated on Jackson," she sobbed, "I cheated. Cristina, I am a horrible person."

"What? What are you talking about April?" Meredith spun around and asked her.

"He served me divorce papers and I received them while I was in Jordan, and I was so mad that I kissed Nathan. And not just a peck, a real, mind numbing kiss. And it felt so good. And he and I had decided that we were going to try to be together."

"Wait, Nathan Riggs? Owen's brother-in-law?" Cristina asked.

"That's him" April sighed, "He's everything that I needed. He was perfect."

"So, did you talk to Jackson about the kiss, I'm sure he'll forgive you if you explain the headspace you were in," Meredith said.

"Here's the thing. I actually kissed him last night and all I'm thinking about is kissing him. I'm married to Jackson," the other women looked at her in shock, "A few weeks ago he surprised me with a ceremony at Lake Tahoe with our families and Alex, so we're married again and I'm pregnant and I'm hung up on another man."

"Well, what can you tell Nathan that you can't tell Jackson?" Meredith asked.

"It's not that I can't tell Jackson anything, it's just," she sighed, "It's just that Nathan sees me differently. He sees me as a person, not as someone whose life has dealt them the shittiest hand possible. I love Jackson, I really, truly do, but he is so suffocating sometimes. Nathan, he let me breathe. He let me be me. I felt like myself again, like the old April, God how I missed her," she said, "I miss being me. I lost so much when Samuel died, and he made it better. How horrible am I, when I find comfort in a stranger and not my husband?"

"We all heal in different ways," Cristina tried to comfort her, "Did I ever tell you about my dad?"

"No, you didn't," April said.

"Well, when I was nine years old we got into a car accident," she stopped to collect her thoughts, the only other person she had told this story to was George when he joined the dead dad's club, and he was long gone. "Well, my dad was alive and I could see him, he was in so much pain. He barely said anything. I knew that I was supposed to press on his chest, so I did. I did until the ambulance came. But he had died, long before they came. I was nine," she added softly at the end.

"Cristina, I'm so sorry," Meredith said as she rubbed her back slightly.

"So, April, loss is something we deal with. It's something that is a part of life. But it doesn't mean that you get to grovel in it, you and I both know you're stronger than that," Cristina said.

"I, I just don't know how to live in a world where my son doesn't. How do I do that?"

"Yeah, it never gets easier," Cristina stated, "But it gets more manageable. You and Jackson need to grieve together, you two haven't done that. And until then, you won't be healed and you two will keep going in this circle."

"I can't tell him about Nathan, that will destroy him."

"Nothing can destroy him more than losing his wife and child."

"He doesn't know how much he lost me," she added.

"Well, he wasn't exactly the most faithful either," Cristina spat.

"What?" April asked, shocked at this news.

"Yeah, he was dating this nurse named Kendra for about four weeks, right when you upped your tour for a third time." Meredith just looked at Cristina in shame, she did not want to be apart of this conversation, she did not want to be the one to tell April that her husband had a girlfriend while they were still married.

"Wait, you're telling me that he cheated on me?"

"Well, you cheated on him?" Cristina added, innocently.

"I kissed someone when I was served divorce papers, I was sad and scared and lonely, he had a girlfriend," she huffed.

"Well, to be fair, you also have been kissing Nathan since he got her," Cristina added.

Meredith slapped her, "Cristina, stop," She scolded.

"Hey, I'm just being honest."

"You guys, I think I need to go," April said as she hastily gathered her lunch tray, "I'll text you about Delilah's party."

"Okay," Meredith called back.

April's mind was operating at a mile a minute, so Jackson had cheated on her. She knew they were apart for the better of two years, but not once did it cross her mind that he would find comfort in someone else. As she thought about it more, she wasn't as upset about the physical relationship. People need people, so she could figure a way to forgive him if he had slept with her. But, what really made her hurt is the thought of him finding the comfort he needed from her in Kendra. What if she was the rock he needed? Did he sob into her shoulder when he thought about their son? As April's pace grew quicker, she kept thinking, thinking about the life she had missed in Seattle. She left, she went to Jordan; she knew that it would have consequences because the world did not stop. It keeps going. Whether we want it to or not.

"Dr. Kepner, I have a patient in bed 3 for you," a nurse in the E.R. told her when she made it there.

"Good, thank you, Kelly," she smiled. Now she'd have something to distract her from the ever-brewing negative thoughts that were going through her head. Did Jackson love her, was she the catalyst for him serving her with divorce papers, did she ever meet Delilah? Her head was certainly spinning out of control.

April pulled open the curtain, "Good afternoon, I'm Dr. Kepner, what seems to be the problem today?" She asked, while looking down at her I-pad.

"Hello," a man who was probably in his early forties greeted, "My son, Donovan fell off his swing set this afternoon and I think he broke his arm." April's eyes immediately panned to the young boy lying in the bed, he wasn't crying or even making any noise, he was just taking in his surroundings.

"Hey, Donovan," she softly said, "Is it okay if I take a look at your arm?" He nodded pleasantly, and let her examine him without a fuss, which was quite unusual for a little boy.

"He's really intrigued by medicine," his father said, "Watches Discovery Health every afternoon when he comes home from school."

"Do you want to be a doctor, Donovan?" She asked.

"Yep!" He replied, smiling, "I'm going to be a surgeon. Do you know what they do?" April laughed internally; most patients when they were admitted into the E.R. didn't know she was a surgeon. She never really felt like it was necessary to mention it either, she didn't want to brag. She didn't become a doctor for the bragging rights; she became a doctor to save people and to make their lives just a little bit better.

"No Donovan, I don't. Care to explain it for me?" she humored him, while his dad just shook his head and laughed a bit to himself.

"Okay, well," the boy's eyes immediately lit up as he started to talk about medicine, "Regular doctors just diagnose people, and give them medicine to fix their problems. But surgeons, they cut into people. It's so cool."

"Yeah, Donovan that does sound cool! So what kind of surgeon do you want to be?" She asked as she was placing the x-ray over his arm.

"A brain surgeon, that's what my mommy is, so that's what I want to be."

"Well, I'm sure your mom can help you become a surgeon, you're definitely an enthusiastic learner."

"Do you have any kids, Doctor Kepner?" The young boy inquired.

"Yes I do, I have a daughter who's a bit younger than you."

"Does she want to be a surgeon?"

April laughed, "I'm pretty sure she's only thought as far as what toy she wants to bring with her for the day, she definitely hasn't made any career decisions yet," she finished taking the x-ray, "Okay, Donovan, I'm going to go and get these films developed and I'll be back to let you know if you're arm is indeed broken."

"Cool!" he beamed.

"Yes, very cool indeed."

"Thank you Doctor Kepner," his dad added.

April left the father and son duo with a bit of a skip in her step, she was relieved to not have to think about her husband or they impending fight they were about to have. She wasn't ready for it. She couldn't be. And then she saw Nathan and Jackson both talking to one another, her mind kept telling her legs to move, to run as fast as they could out of there, but she stood still like a statue. Unable to do anything. Breathing heavily and loudly, she just stared at her husband and her friend like she was a deer caught in headlights, her entire body was taken over by fear. They always say when you encounter a near death situation it's either fight or flight, but they never mentioned standing.

Jackson looked over his shoulder where he saw his wife standing there, staring at him intently, or was she staring at? He looked at her closer, her gaze wasn't solely on him, and it was on Nathan too.

"Hey, man, you okay?" Nathan asked him.

"Yeah, no I'm fine. I got to go talk to April for a bit," he coldly replied.

"Sure. But seriously, you should consider my offer, my friend does an amazing Darth Vader impression and would be perfect for Delilah's party."

"I'll keep that in mind."

Jackson walked towards his wife, who was still standing in the middle of the hallway. He wanted nothing more than to talk to her, to hear her soft voice whisper in his ears. He wanted nothing more than to caress her skin and feel her soft hair in his hands. He knew he needed her, he knew that they needed to talk though, and it wasn't something he wanted to do. He could ignore what he was feeling, what he was afraid was true, just for another day, he didn't have to open that can of worms just yet.

"You ready for our appointment?" April jumped back, completely startled by Jackson.

"Oh my God, you scared me," she said.

"How? You were staring at us forever, what was that about?"

"Can't I admire my husband?"

"You can, but I couldn't help but think you were admiring someone else," he spat. He didn't know what had come over him, but he had to say it. His mouth moved faster than his brain and he immediately regretted them.

"Excuse me?"

"Nathan. What happened between you and Nathan?" Her body turned away from him and she took a step back, breathing heavily as she tucked some of her red hair behind her ear.

"I'll tell you about Nathan if you tell me about Kendra," she maniacally said.

"We're not doing this in the hall, we can talk about this later, at home."

"Fine," she checked her watch, "Crap we're going to be late. Let's go."

April was a bit apprehensive for this neo-natal appointment; today she was going to find out if she was having a boy or a girl. She didn't know how she felt about having a boy, what would it be like raising a son when she still couldn't get the image of the son she was supposed to raise out of her mind. The room was filled with tension, as she and Jackson were sitting in silence when Arizona walked in. Neither of them wanted to say anything because saying something meant fighting and she didn't have the strength to do that right now.

"You ready for today?" Arizona asked.

"As I'll ever be," she quietly replied.

"Okay, let's get started." She squirted out the gel on April's stomach and moved the ultrasound wand over it, "Mom and dad are we ready?" She asked.

"Arizona, just tell us what it is. I don't think I can deal with the suspense anymore," Jackson said.

"Boy. You're having a boy." And April's heart sunk as she abruptly let go of Jackson's hand.


	27. Chapter 26

**A/N: Hello everyone! I've had really bad writer's block and have recently traveled back to the U.S. If you follow the Japril chat, you'll now I've been dealing with some personal issues, so writing hasn't been my top priority. I hope you all enjoy this next chapter, and please review! It means the world to me to know that you guys are reading this story. XOXO –R.**

 _And she abruptly let go of his hand…._

He noticed, he definitely noticed how her smile faded from her face, how her body became cold and distant, how she immediately became quiet. He didn't say anything; he didn't move a muscle himself. The pain of losing their son was still fresh for him. He didn't need to ask her what she was thinking, how she was feeling about the words Arizona had just said, _"You're having a boy"._ The painful memories came flooding back of when April collapsed in his arms after she told him Samuel was going to be a boy. And all he wanted to do know was to have her collapse in his arms once again, whether from pain or anger or joy or glee; he needed her to need him. Except, she dropped her hand from his, she refused to make eye contact with him. Once again April had gone into her world, her sanctuary, and she left him behind in the dust.

"I'll give you two a minute to process this," Arizona commented as she handed the sonogram picture to them before leaving the room.

"April," Jackson gently whispered, "Are you okay?" She didn't answer him, her eyes were glazed over and she was staring at the chart of a baby growing inside its mother's womb. Studying it as if it was the last thing she'd ever see. Her hands were clutching the armrests on the bed, so much so that her knuckles were turning white, "April, please talk to me," he begged.

"When did it stop?" she muttered.

"When did what stop?"

"The good? When did good things stop happening to me?"

"April, come on," he strained, "Good things do happen to you. You have me and our daughter."

"It's like it's this sick, cruel joke the world is trying to play on me. I was a good person, I used to go to church every Sunday, and now I don't even know if I believe in God. Because what God takes away a son, and puts him in indescribable pain? What God makes me not love my husband? What God makes me a coward and makes me run away half way around the world just so I can heal? Who is He and what happened to the God I knew as a little girl? The one who was encouraging, strong, forgiving? Sure, He gave me some challenges, life wasn't always easy, but it was manageable. The past few years," she sighed, "Have been unbearable." She tearfully looked up at her husband, "I don't know how much more of this I can take."

"April, you don't have to take it alone. I'm your husband, I'm here for you."

"For how long? How long until you find someone else who isn't this much of a burden, who isn't broken. Who didn't break you?"

"April, stop saying that."

"It's true though," she spat back.

"So what if it is? It's my life and I chose to be with you. I made that decision, no one else."

"Well it certainly wasn't a smart one."

"Fine, April. Fine, go and wallow in self-pity because you think that's all that you deserve. But no one else agrees. We see a fighter, a woman who went and risked her life to save others. Sure, it wasn't the best thing for our family, but you came back, you did come back. You're not an evil person, you're just human."

"I did things I shouldn't have done, and I only did them out of anger. But then, they felt good. And I realized my anger was fading. The way he looked at me, it was like the way you used to look at me before Samuel, before everything bad had happened to us and I don't know what happened. I felt seen," she confessed to him.

"Did you," he breathed heavily as he looked at his wife whose arms were wrapped around her body, covering herself, "Did you sleep with him?"

"No. Did you sleep with the nurse?"

"No," he answered quickly, "But I wanted to."

"I wanted to sleep with him too," she shyly said.

"So, where does this leave us?" He asked.

"I don't know, Jackson. I honestly don't know."

"Do you want us? Do you want to fight for our family?"

"More than anything," she answered quickly.

"Good," he went to wrap his arms around her and looked deeply into her eyes, "Because I love you and our children, all three of them," he smiled as he gently laid his hand on her stomach.

April Kepner had never been one to keep her mouth shut; she always said what was on her mind. True, she normally did it in a more obscure way than say Yang or Karev, but she still often said it.

"Do you want to use Samuel's old stuff for the room?" Jackson started off, rubbing the back of his head slightly to cover how uncomfortable he had been. He never had the heart to throw it away, even with April gone and the thought of having another baby with her had been the furthest thing from his mind.

She turned around and looked him square in the eye, as she held their four year old daughter on her hip, her now six month pregnant belly was all he could look at. He had this primal feeling come over him, she was his wife who had given him his children and now she was going to give him another. He wanted to have more with her, he wanted to have a soccer team worth of children with her and only her. Why did it take them so long to get to this point? Why were they their own worst enemies?

"Jackson," she said softly, "No. This baby deserves new things and I," she stroked Delilah's curls, "I don't want to forget him and putting his stuff in the baby's room feels like I would be."

"Forget who?" Delilah asked. Oh how innocent she was, she didn't know about the loss that her parents had felt. She was told she had a brother who was in heaven, but a four year old can't understand the immense loss they felt, knowing that they wouldn't be able to bring her brother home. Jackson was about to answer, but April beat him to it.

"Your brother," she told her daughter.

"Brother?"

"Yes, when Mommy was pregnant with you, I was also pregnant with your brother."

"But where is she now?" The curious four-year old wondered.

"He's in heaven, he was very sick inside of my tummy and God decided it'd be best for him to go to Heaven. Because, in heaven he can run and jump and play and do all the things that you get to do. And that's really," she chocked up, "That's really what was best for him."

Jackson's heart was breaking as he watched April explain to their daughter where their son was, why her big brother was in heaven and she was down here living her life. He didn't know why or what or how, but something in this moment made him believe that things would be okay, that things would work out in the end, that maybe just maybe love would be enough.

"I miss him, Mommy," Delilah softly whispered into her mother's neck.

"I do too, baby. Oh, I do too." April said as a single tear fell from her cheek.

"Mommy?"

"Yeah?"

"Is the new baby going to replace my older brother?"

"No, not at all," she replied, "He's a completely different person. And since you're his big sister, you're going to have to look after him."

"Yeah, Delilah, being a big sister means you're going to have lots of responsibilities," Jackson added.

"Daddy, I'm only four, too young for 'sponsibilities," she quipped back causing both of her parents to laugh.

"You're not too old to love your baby brother and to show him your toys and be kind to him, right?" April inquired.

"I was already going to do those things, you two," she looked at her parents slyly, "Had me all worried about everything." April laughed at her daughter's sass, oh how much she loved it. She could only imagine if Samuel would have been the same way, no, she doubted it. She remembered how he didn't move inside of her, how he was calm and serene and it wasn't due to him having osteogenesis imperfecta. It was because he was her mellow baby, the one who would calm Delilah down, the yin to her yang so to speak. April's heart broke a little, as she came to the realization that her daughter would never know her other half, never know the person she spent seven months in the womb with. The little boy that April felt grow, the boy she felt that she knew. And here, her daughter was, completely clueless about the fact. She didn't know whether to be happy or sad. But for now, all she could do was just be, and be in the moment. Breathe. Because she has everything she could have ever wanted, a husband, a daughter, and son on the way. Life was looking up. And for that she was grateful.

"Mer?" Derek shouted from downstairs in the kitchen. He was busy preparing breakfast for the kids, and he had decided to let her sleep in for the morning. She had been working so hard lately, and he felt that she deserved a break. If he could give her one every morning, he would. She had given him so much the past few years, and not just their children, who he loved with all his heart. He gave him the family he had always wanted. One that mirrored his own when he was growing up. He looked his four children in the eyes, Zola, Bailey, Ellis, and Chrissie, all smiling at him.

"Derek, what is it?" She groggily responded as she made her way down the stairs, trying her hardest not to look like a zombie in front of her children. Because, unfortunately for her and Derek the four of them were able to smell weakness and now that they outnumbered their parents, she and Derek only had to wait before they decided to have a united front and work against them.

"Breakfast is served, milady," he said as he pecked her on the cheek.

"Ew," Bailey laughed, "Daddy kissing mommy!"

"Ew?" Derek asked, teasing his son; "Is it 'ew' when I go like this?" He tipped Meredith back and planted a big, fat kiss on the lips.

"Yes! Very ew!" Added Zola.

"Derek," Meredith protested, slightly embarrassed by his obscene gesture, but also annoyed that they couldn't continue it. She wanted him just as much as the first day she met him in that bar. Oh, God, how different they used to be. He was married to Addison, the redheaded Goddess with legs that went on for miles, and she was the self-appointed slutty intern. She didn't know back then that now she'd be married with children living in the dream house out in the woods. She didn't know she could come back from everything dark and twisty that had happened in her life, but she did. She did it through love. And that's why she never worried about April or Cristina or Alex, sure she cared about her friends and only wanted what was best for them. But she knew that they all had love and that eventually love would find a way to make things right. Open the window and let the light in.

"I love you," he whispered into her neck, "I love you so much."

"Mommy?" Ellis asked, "Why is daddy smiling so much?" Derek did have that stupid grin on his face, whenever he saw Meredith he didn't know how to explain it, he just made him so happy.

"Because I am in love with you mommy and she makes me smile."

"Well, good because she makes me smile too," Ellis said, causing both her parents to laugh.

April Kepner did something she hasn't done in years, she went to church. She didn't tell Jackson; she didn't want him to make a big deal out of her going to church, out of her becoming the old April Kepner again. So, she quietly left the house around 7:00 a.m. and drove to the church she used to go to, before everything had happened. She arrived a bit early, so she decided to take some time and have a talk with God, it had been a while.

"Hi, it's April Kepner, from Moline," she shyly started, "I used to come here all the time. Well, not to this particular church, but to church, I used to come a, lot," she rambled. "But you see, I stopped coming. It's because I was mad at you. You took away my son and with that my sense of security. I was a good person, I believed, I prayed, I went to church; heck I save lives for a living. So, it just didn't make sense to me, for a person who had built up so much positive karma to be given the lowest blow imaginable. So, I left. I left my husband, I left my job, my friends, my family, and I left you. And I'm sorry."

"Excuse me?" An elderly gentleman said.

"Oh, I'm sorry," April, said as she wiped a tear away from her cheek, "I'm not supposed to be in here. I'll, just be going," she quickly added.

"No, it's okay. I'm Robert, this is my parish, but I've never seen you before."

"My name's April Kepner, I used to come here years ago, I think Jeremy was the reverend?"

"Yes, he was. Tragically his wife, Camilla got sick, and he took time off to be with her."

"I'm very sorry to hear that."

"So, Miss Kepner, where have you been all this time?"

"It's a long story."

"And I have a long time to listen," he smiled. And so, April began rehashing the entirety of the past five years. Of every up and down and everything in between, to a stranger nonetheless. It felt good to not be judged, it felt sort of like how Nathan felt. And Robert just listened and nodded and offered small tidbits of advice and it felt nice. She felt seen. Oh how she missed feeling seen.

"And that's my problem with my husband, I still can't get it out of my head that he sees me as this broken doll. I was broken, but I put myself together with tape and glue. I fixed me," she gritted out that last statement trying not to let the tears fall.

"Your husband sounds like a caring man, but he's,"

"Suffocating."

"Yes, suffocating. Miss Kepner, can I tell you about my wife and I?"

"Sure, I'd love to hear about your wife," she responded.

"Well, my wife, Jillian, God rest her soul, was a lot like you. She had this fire under her that you couldn't pinpoint where it had come from, what in her life had made her so resilient and focused, but somehow she was. She was funny, creative, exciting, inviting, and man oh man she kept me on my toes," the old man laughed to himself as he was reminiscing in the memory of his late wife, "But she was also a lot like you in the way that she keeps things bottled in. She soldiered on, on her own. And I could have helped her."

"If you don't mind me asking, what happened to your wife?"

"She and I had problems with fertility, and after the fourth miscarriage she just couldn't take it. She slit her wrists in the bathtub, and I've never been able to forgive myself since."

"Oh my," April was at a loss for words, "That's awful. I'm so sorry."

"Living without Jillian has been difficult, but it's manageable, the worlds keeps turning. Life goes on. But living with the regret of knowing that you could have prevented their death, that is enough to bury a person. Let him in, before it's too late."

"Robert, I'm not going to kill myself."

"You don't have to kill yourself when you're already a dead man walking," he softly stated, "You've been pushing daisies ever since your son died, maybe it's time you go and smell the roses." And with that he left a bewildered April Kepner sitting in the pew, in a small church twenty minutes outside of Seattle speechless.


	28. Chapter 27

A/N: This story is coming to a close, I feel like I'm just repeating ideas. So, please if you have other ideas on how you want this to continue please let me know! –R.

* * *

Some say Benjamin Franklin once said, "Some people die at 25, but aren't buried until 75." I never knew what it meant until I buried my son. I didn't know what dying felt like. If I could put it into layman's terms, I would, I'd try to explain to everyone I know how it feels so they could better understand me. But sometimes I feel like I can't breathe, I can't eat, I can't think, because all I ever want to do is to stop. I want everything to stop. The tears. The false sense of hope. The family that I have been building, it all needs to stop. I am drowning. The weight of the waves is crushing me and I think, I think maybe I should stop swimming. It wouldn't be so bad, would it? Just stop kicking. Let go. Be free. And so, I let myself float down to the bottom, never sure if I'd ever come back up for air, knowing full well I would never want to.

And then the bathwater covered her entire head, as she sunk underneath its water. She never thought that this was the path she'd take, but she couldn't help but think that it felt, freeing. And before she knew it, the only thing not covered in water was her distended abdomen that held her second son. Her second chance, if only he had been enough to keep her going, to keep her wanting to fight to breathe. And the poor little guy didn't deserve it, he was innocent, she was the problem. She was everyone's problem. So she sunk deeper and held her breath longer, until the world went black for a little. Then she would come back up for air, for a few seconds, then back down, over and over again. Each time going under water for a little while longer, until she never came back up for air.

* * *

"April, let's get going, I need to get in early for the cleft pallet consult," Jackson called for his wife who he thought was in the shower getting ready, "April, come on," he groaned, "This case is really important."

"Daddy what's going on?" Delilah asked, rubbing her eyes, his shouting had unfortunately woken her up."

"Nothing, your mommy's just running late and daddy really needs to get going."

"You know girls take forever in the bathroom," his daughter said, causing Jackson to laugh.

"Boy, do I. When'd you get to be so smart?" He asked.

"I've always been smart, but you're a boy so you didn't notice."

"That makes me sad," he faked sobbed, "That you don't think I'm smart enough to notice you're smart."

"I'm sorry daddy," Delilah tried to comfort her dad, who then swopped her up and kissed her cheek causing the four year old to let out the most infectious laugh.

"You better be," He teased as he took her downstairs and got her set in the car, he couldn't wait for April any longer. And so he left his wife, sinking, underneath that bath water with only her pregnant abdomen above the surface, because he had to get to work and he didn't have time to wait around for her. But oh, he wished he did.

* * *

After dropping Delilah off at school, Jackson decided to get himself some coffee at the coffee cart. Normally, April would have brewed a pot at home, since she made him get the espresso maker when they first got married seeing no value in the takeaway coffee the hospital offered. Her coffee was the best he ever tasted, not that he expected her to make it for him everyday, but he loved her coffee. Settling for second rate hospital coffee that could only be drank with a gallon of cream and four sugars was not what he wanted to be doing, but he had a six hour surgery in an hour and he wanted it to go well. So he chugged the stale tasting coffee, reluctantly.

"Morning," Mark greeted.

"Morning," Avery replied.

"Rough night with the kid?" Mark asked.

"Rough night with the wife," he answered.

"You and April still having problems? I thought you were through that?"

"Well, we can't all be you and Lexie with your two kids and picture perfect family," he snapped back.

"Hey, Avery, I'm not the enemy here. What is going on with you?"

"Nothing, it's nothing."

"Are you sure it's nothing, cause we have a surgery in an hour and if you're not ready for it?"

"I'm ready for it. Don't you dare think of pulling me off this case, I've been prepping it for weeks."

"Then calm down. Work out your marriage on your own time and don't snap at your boss. I'm here if you need to talk, but seriously Avery if you're not sparkling in twenty minutes when we go and talk with Mr. and Mrs. Valdez, you're off this case faster than you can say divorce lawyer." Jackson just scowled at Mark and walked away, he needed some fresh air, no way was he going to be missing out on this surgery. Besides, he was an attending, he didn't need to take this crap from Mark, but constantly Mark kept giving it. Everyone kept giving him crap and for what? Being an Avery? Not forgiving his wife the second she came home? Being a single dad who took care of their daughter for years, or being a father who had to bury his son and visit his grave sight to lay flowers out for him because his wife was half way around the world kissing another man. God forbid it takes him a little bit of time to get his ducks in order and before he knew it, the anger was just flowing through him and he punched his hand through the vending machine that was right next to him.

"Ahhh," he screamed, "God fucking dammit." He looked at his bloody and bruised hand, "God! God dammit!"

* * *

 _Flashback to last night:_

April had never realized how she was treating her family, how she had been walking around like a zombie and never really noticed it. She was intrigued by what Robert had to say, how she should stop trying to push daisies. Her son was gone, but she wasn't, and she owed it to her husband to try and fight for him and their daughter.

The drive home was long, longer than normal since she decided to take the long way. She had her windows rolled all the way down and her music blasting. And she just screamed. A blood, curdling scream that if someone had heard her they probably would have thought she was insane. And maybe she was? Maybe she needed to go into the nuthouse, maybe she needed to go back to Jordan.

"Jordan," she breathed. Jordan was her nirvana, her heaven on earth. It gave her everything she thought she had lost.

"Dammit!" She screamed, "Why can't I just be happy with what I have?" She had the perfect life, on paper. A great husband, one she didn't deserve. One who had gone to the ends of the earth and back for her and what'd she do? She kissed another man, she was prepared to divorce him; she was okay with walking away from her daughter and him. What did that make her? What did that make her besides anything but evil, corrupt, or a coward?

Unfortunately, she couldn't drive around Seattle all night because she still had work in the morning and a husband and daughter who would expect her to be home, so she reluctantly pulled down their street and parked her car in the garage. Taking a deep breath before finally removing the key from the ignition. She stepped out of the car, patted her skirt down to make sure it didn't have any wrinkles. She quickly checked her makeup; she wanted to make sure it didn't look like she was crying. He couldn't know. And she stealthily snuck into their house, it was already 11:00 p.m. so she hoped her husband would be asleep and that she could sneak upstairs, get into her pajamas, and plop into bed.

"You're late," he softly said.

"Oh my god," she shrieked, "Jackson you scared me."

"Why are you so late?" And where have you been all day? I've been calling you all day."

"I, I uh," she didn't know how to answer him. The day just slipped by. She had talked to Robert for an hour, waited in the church an hour after that, stayed for three services, talked with some of the parishioners, and before she knew it was time for dinner. So, she picked up a sandwich from McDonalds, not the healthiest of choices but she didn't want to come home, and then she drove for a while. Well, two and a half hours, but still, it didn't excuse the fact that she didn't come home.

"Do you know what it feels like?" He asked her with pain in his eyes, "Do you have any idea what it feels like to wake up without you next to me?" He sighed, "I did it for years, April, years. And I accepted it because I thought you needed to heal, and I thought it was best for me to give you your space. But you don't know how much those years took out of me, how much I lost because of them. I needed you, and you weren't there, you left me, you abandoned me. And then you got injured and I felt like I couldn't be mad at you, what right did I have to be to hold everything against you when you couldn't even remember what you did. But it's over a year since then April, and you're doing it again. You're shutting me out, you're leaving me behind and I don't know if I'm willing to wait for you. So please," he begged, "Please tell me where you were."

"I needed to breathe," she muttered.

"Were you with him?" He looked at her with pain in his eyes, not knowing if he wanted to know the real answer. What would he do if she had spent the day with him, had his arms around her, had his lips touching hers. The sheer thought of it made him sick to his stomach.

"Of course not, Jackson. I wouldn't do that to you or our children. I love them to much to do that to them."

"What about me?"

"What do you mean, 'What about you'?"

"Do you love me?"

"Jackson, that's an absolutely ridiculous question, of course I love you."

"Are you in love with me?"

"Yes," she whispered, "I think so."

"Then, please, tell me where you were. April, let me in. Let me help you, I'm your husband for God's sake."

And then something inside of her snapped, "Don't you think I know that! Don't you think I know you're my husband! That you're the one who I'm supposed to want to go to when I need help, but I can't. I can't go to you. I don't know why. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm, I'm too messed up for this."

"What are you saying April?" He asked, panicked.

"I'm saying, I think I need to go away."

"You're seven months pregnant, how would that even be possible?"

"No, after he's born," she admitted.

"Don't you dare, don't you dare even think about it!" He screamed, "Jordan! You want to go back don't you?"

"Yes," she cried, "I really need to go back Jackson."

"We're done," he said calmly, he couldn't even look at her he was so angry.

"I never wanted to hurt you," she said.

"It doesn't matter that you didn't want to hurt me, I know you don't mean to hurt me April. I am rational. But we just keep going through the same fight over and over again, why can't you get it through your head that Samuel is dead. He's never coming back. And you going to the Middle East isn't going to solve your problems, it's only running away from them."

"Mommy, daddy what's going on?" A little Delilah asked her parents, she had heard their fighting in her room and decided to check on them.

"Nothing, baby, go back to sleep. I'll be up to tuck you in in a moment," Jackson said.

"O-Okay," she replied.

"I better go get her, don't want her to get used to you tucking her in. Since you're going to leave her again in a few months. Or maybe you'll leave before then, it's what you're best at."

"Jackson," she croaked out.

"Save it."

"No! No! You do not get to talk to me that way; you do not get to treat me like the devil. Why are you so angry with me? What is it, Jackson? What pissed you off so much? That I chose to go after the thing that I needed to heal or that the thing I needed wasn't you?" He didn't respond, he just went upstairs to go and tuck their daughter into bed. He had their routine down pat; he'd read her a story nothing about princesses because he was raising a warrior not a princess. He'd tell her about his day, he'd ask her about his, they'd do their secret handshake that no one knew except for them, and after he turned off the lights he'd stare at her for a few minutes. Watching her peacefully sleep. And he reminisces at how much she looked like her mother when she slept, her left arm always over her head and her head was always cocked slightly to the left. Like she was smelling her own armpit. It always made Jackson laugh whenever he woke up next to April, but it amazed him at how much their daughter was like her. She was slightly neurotic and loved lists, but she was also kind, compassionate, and caring. She was friends with almost everyone in her class, and not because her dad was an attractive surgeon, but because she was genuinely an awesome little girl. And maybe that's why it hurts so much that April is behaving the way she is, because she can't see the amazing little girl in front of her. The one who is practically her clone, the clone of the old April, that is.

He loved that little girl more than life itself; she was the only thing that kept him going when April was gone. Not his mother, not Mark, not surgery, her. His daughter. She made every day a bit more bearable; she made the waiting for April to come home tolerable. Hell, there were even times where he didn't think he needed April to come home. He and Delilah had made this wonderful life together, just the two of them. They had survived without April. And it pissed him off so much that either April couldn't see that, or that she didn't want to acknowledge that her family was okay without her. He didn't want to do it, but she forced him to survive without her. So, no, he didn't want to see her go, he never wants to see her leave him, but he knows that if she does he'll be okay. He's been through it before. He can go through it again.

And so he closed his daughter's door and headed into bed.

"Jackson," she said, "I'm just grabbing my things, I'll sleep in the guest room tonight."

"Don't."

"What?"

"Don't go?"

"To the guest room?"

"Yeah, you can just say here tonight. It's okay."

"Okay," she replied."

* * *

"Avery? What the Hell is going on?" Karev asked him, "I can hear you screaming all the way from the elevators."

"I'm fine, Karev, just drop it."

"Dude, your hand."

"I punched the vending machine," he nonchalantly replied.

"Come on, let me take a look at it."

"No, it's fine, really."

"Do you want me to take a look at it, or Sloan?"

"Fuck, Sloan," he put his good hand over his face, "He's never going to let me hear the end of this."

"Care to explain to me why you punched the poor, innocent vending machine. I mean, it never did anything to you, did it?"

"Screw off, Karev," Avery annoyingly spat.

"Oh Dr. Sloan," Karev fake called.

"Shut your mouth." Jackson panicked, "Fine, fine, it was about April. Okay, we got into a fight last night."

"I thought you two were super happy? You know, remarried, second kid on the way, what could possibly be wrong?"

"She wants to go back to Jordan."

"Man, I'm sorry. That's rough."

"Tell me about it." And before he could explain how he was feeling more to Alex, the door to the exam room burst open and a very unhappy Mark Sloan stood in the entrance.

"Karev, stich Avery up, and after that you can send him home as a patient because he is no longer a plastic surgery attending at Seattle Grace."

"Dr. Sloan?" Jackson protested.

"You're not fit to be on my team, Avery. Get yourself some help; fix this anger issue of yours. You're suspended until further notice."

"And how long's that going to be?" He spat back.

"Do you want me to fire you, because I will," Mark threatened.

"Go ahead, see if I care. See if I care about any of it. It all doesn't matter, anyways. None of it does. Nothing matters, because in the end everyone will just walk away. People always leave, they always do. So, I guess I was a fool to think that you wouldn't do the same, Mark. Am I wrong to think I'm a fool?"

Mark didn't know what to say to his former student, who looked so broken sitting on the exam table in front of him, having a shell shocked Alex Karev care for his wound. He had never seen a man, so down. Not even Derek when he caught him having sex with Addison in their bed had looked like this. Sitting in front of him was a dead man walking and a man with nothing else left to lose, because he'd already lost the love of his life. Mark knew the feeling; he knew how it felt to lose Lexie. It can only be explained like there is this weight, constantly on your chest. It's pain in its purest form.

"Jackson, I'm only trying to help you," Mark affirmed.

"Well stop it. I don't need your help." He shouted.

"Karev," Mark asked, "How long will it take his hand to heal?"

"I'm not sure, I'm gonna have Torres look at it. But based on these breaks it looks like he won't be able to operate for at least six months."

"Okay, then. Six months, you're not allowed in this hospital except to see Torres about your hand. No patients, no surgeries, no research. Hand in your coat and badge on your way out," Mark said to Avery, "And for what's it's worth," he went to shake Avery's good hand, "You're a damn fool if you think I'm doing this to hurt you. I'm saving you from yourself whether you know it or not. So, go, get your hand bandaged by Torres, then go home and see your wife and tell her you're sorry for being such an ass. Drop onto your knees and beg for forgiveness, because if I were she, I wouldn't even spit in your direction right now. Have a great rest of your day, Mr. Avery," Mark loosened the grip on his handshake, "It really was a pleasure though, teaching you." He admitted, before turning around and leaving a shocked Jackson sitting in bewilderment. He had just, essentially been fired and burned by the man he respected most in his life.

A little while later, Callie came in and set his hand, much to his embarrassment. That's the only way he could describe how he was feeling. Embarrassed. Embarrassed at his outburst, embarrassed and how he'd injured himself and lost his privileges to even practice medicine at Seattle Grace for six months, but even more embarrassed at how much of a sham his life had turned out to be.

* * *

He reluctantly pulled into their driveway, hoping to not see April, hoping that she had already left to go into the hospital, but much to his surprise her car was still in the driveway. He checked his watch, it was already 10:00, and she never leaves the house this late. He put his key into the lock and walked into their house, it was eerily quiet except for some soft music he could faintly hear playing in their bathroom.

"April?" He asked, as he knocked on the door. There was no reply so he cracked it open, ever so slightly, nothing could have prepared him for what he saw.

 _Like I said, disappearances happen. Pains go phantom. Blood stops running and people, people fade away. There's more I have to say, so much more, but… I've disappeared."_


	29. Chapter 28

A/N: Thank you all for sticking around so long with this story, I know that it's been a whirlwind of excitement, heartache, and well discovery for me as an author. I really appreciate all of your feedback and it just inspires me to keep this fic going. Trust me, it could have been done a while ago if it weren't for your guys' encouragement. So without further adieu, please enjoy the next chapter. –R.

* * *

 _April_

 _I felt like I was floating, like my body was weightless and nothing could bring me down. I just keep sinking, further and further into myself until suddenly there was nothing left. At first everything was black, blacker than anything I had ever seen before. I was scared, I was anticipating Hell at the bottom of this free fall, well because I'm a Christian and I think I just killed myself. So, I was scared to open my eyes, fearing that all that would surround me would be lakes of fire and hollowing screams of damned souls. But when I do, I see the most beautiful place I've ever laid eyes upon. If spring was an image, that would be where I am. I'm lying on my back and I can feel the cool grass gently caressing my pale skin. The air smells of lilies and there are birds chirping in the background. The pale blue sky is cloudless and the sun is shining brightly above me. I stayed there for a few seconds, taking in my surroundings; never had I ever felt more at peace in my life. Not in Jordan, not with Jackson lying next to me, not even in Church when I still believed in God, truly believed in him._

" _Where am I?" I asked myself, still a bit confused at where I was. I knew I was dead, had a pretty good feeling that if I were alive, I'd be in my bathroom with a worried sick Jackson hovering over me, yelling at how afraid he was of losing me. But would he really be afraid of losing me or the memory of me? I haven't been "me" in years, not the woman he fell in love with because she drunkenly kissed him at the boards and then gave him her virginity. That woman had power; she was a force to be reckoned with. But the woman, the one who drew herself a bath this morning, put on some somber music, lit a few candles, and went into the scorching hot bath water with no intentions of ever coming out is not the woman he fell in love with. She was a coward, she was irresponsible, she was angry. He didn't love her, how could he love her?_

" _Mommy, come play," a little voice encouraged me._

" _Where am I?" I repeated._

" _Mommy," the little boy ran up to me and nudged on my skirt. I looked down at him and I saw Samuel, in all of his glory, running around without a care in the world. Here, he wasn't in pain, unlike how he was in my stomach. He was running around, laughing, jumping, and being as free as a bird and just the look of it made me collapse to my knees and cry. My precious boy, alive and well. I had dreamed of this moment so many times. Imagined him playing with his younger sister and brother. I wondered how he would be, what books would spark his interest, would he be a mama's boy or a daddy's boy. What color bike would he have insisted we bought him? Would he be more into art or science? All these questions, I couldn't answer from a few, or lack there of, kicks in my stomach. I knew he was my calm twin, the one who would mellow out Delilah's extorvertedness and slight diva attitude. He was my little Buddha. But there were so many things I would never know about him. What would his favorite band have been? TV show? Move? What girl would he bring to the senior prom? What type of friends would he have had? I couldn't contain myself, thinking about everything that could have been, and then the waterworks started coming._

" _Mommy, why are you crying?"_

" _Oh, honey, it's just that I'm so proud of you," I smiled through my tears, "And mommy is so happy to see you. I never thought I would," I whispered under my breath. At this point I'm crouching down on the ground looking up at my son, who places his hands on my shoulders and hugs me, before taking his thumb and wisely brushing my tear from my cheek. I always knew he was my sensitive twin._

" _I'm proud of you too mommy," he replied with a smile on his face, "Come on, let's go I have to show you something." He took my hand and practically ran to the ravine. I had no idea where she was, but she assumed it was heaven. She hadn't meant to kill herself, no she didn't want to die like this; she just went under water a bit too long. It was just a bit too long. She just wanted the pain to stop; dying wasn't really what she was going after. But being here, in the tranquil place with her son, she didn't really know if she regretted what she had done._

 _There was fresh green grass as far as the eye could see, and not a tree in sight. It was a meadow with lilies all over and some sunflowers. The sun shone bright in the pale blue sky and birds flew overhead. It was tranquil, but before I could look into it further, breathe in the fresh air or the scent of the lilies, put my nose up to one of them and just breathe for the first time in what feels like forever, Samuel guided me to a river._

" _Look," he exclaimed, "Look what's in there."_

 _I screamed in terror as I saw my other son, the one who hadn't been born yet floating in the river, I scrambled to get his body out of the flowing water, but my hands couldn't get in the water._

" _It's no use," Samuel sighed._

" _Stop it," I screeched, "I have to get him out. Help me."_

" _The only way to get him out, is for you to go in. There's still time, if you hurry," he explained._

" _But if I go in, that means I have to leave you."_

" _It's okay mommy, he needs you more. I'm okay here."_

" _No you're not, I'm not with you."_

" _Please, mommy. Go. You've done everything you could have done for me. I'm happy here, but I don't want you here not yet. Daddy, Delilah, and my little brother need you more, it's okay I'll wait a bit longer for all of you. One day we'll all be here as a family, when the time is right."_

 _I grabbed him in my arms and held him tightly to my chest, "I love you, my sweet baby boy. I love you so much," I sobbed, then he pushed me into the water and I finally opened my eyes to see a panicked Jackson kneeling over me with his hands placed firmly on my chest. Our eyes met and I could see the pain in his eyes, the worry, the fear, but before I could say anything or hear him say something, the world went black again. Maybe I had run out of time._

* * *

Jackson's breath caught in his throat as he ripped April out of the tub. He had never felt panic, not like this. The blood ran from his face when he opened the door to see April's unconscious body underneath the tub. She looked so limp, so lifeless.

"April," he yelled patting her face repeatedly to try and wake her up, "Please wake up. Come on, you can do it." He scrambled for his cell phone, which he luckily had in his back pocket and called 9-1-1.

"9-1-1 what is your emergency?"

"Hello, yes?" His voice was panicked and beads of sweat were forming along his hairline, "My wife, I found her in the tub under the water, she's unconscious."

"We'll send someone straight away, sir how long was your wife under the water?"

"I don't know, I haven't been home for hours," he said, "There's barely a pulse."

"Sir, do you know how to do CPR?" The operator asked.

"Yes, I'm a doctor," he replied, "Oh my God, what about the baby?"

"Your wife is pregnant?"

"Yes."

"Keep her pulse up as much as you can," she paused.

"Jackson, my name's Jackson."

"Okay, Jackson, stay calm," she said, "Breathe in and out, help is on the way."

The five minutes that it took for the ambulance to arrive at their house were the longest and most excruciating of his life. He felt more hopeless than he had ever felt before. Here was his wife lying on the cold bathroom tile, naked, exposed, her petruding abdomen was the only thing he could focus on. He didn't know if he should be angry or scared. Maybe it was an accident? Maybe she slipped and fell? But there was a little voice inside of his head that told him this was no accident; his wife had purposely gone under that water, purposely tried to kill herself and their son. April wouldn't do that, would she?

"Come on, April, stay with me," he said in-between compressions, "You can do this. We need you," he cried again.

"Sir," he heard a paramedic call from downstairs.

"Up here in the bathroom," he yelled back.

Within seconds April was placed on a gurney and taken out of their house in an ambulance, which Jackson sat in the back of holding her hand on the grueling ride to the hospital.

* * *

"Okay, what do we have?" Owen asked as he opened up the back door to the rig. He did a pretty dominant double take when he saw Jackson, with worry written all over his face, and April lying unconscious on the gurney.

"She tried to drown herself," he muttered.

"Jackson," Owen said sympathetically before he went into 'go mode', "Let's move," he ordered as he and the other doctors took April's gurney into the emergency room leaving Jackson standing there alone outside the doors of the E.R. with only himself to hold himself together. Never in his life had he felt more alone, and more like the world was going to come crashing down on him any second.

"Hunt, what do we have?" Arizona asked as she walked into the trauma room, not expecting her best friend to be lying on the gurney, unconscious, "Oh my God, April," she gasped.

"Robbins, can you handle this?" Owen asked.

She breathed in deeply, "Yeah, I can handle this."

"We need you to check and see how the baby is doing, can you do that?"

"I'll need an ultrasound, stat," she commanded and within seconds the nurses were on the phone getting her that ultra sound.

* * *

It felt like hours since April had first arrived at the E.R., but only minutes had really gone by, fifteen to be exact. Fifteen minutes of not knowing if his wife was going to live or die and it made Jackson feel like he had to vomit. He was wracked to his core with guilt and anger and all he wanted to do was scream. Scream at the fact that he was given a shitty hand in life once again, scream at the fact that his wife was in there dying or dead for all he knew, scream for the life of his unborn son, the second one that may die. Of all the things he had ever done in his life, Jackson Avery was sure he did not deserve the fate of two dead sons and a dead wife.

"Avery," Mark said to him, "Avery what's going on?" Mark asked him with concern in his voice and sympathy in his eyes. Although Avery had messed up this morning, Mark cared about his plastics prodigy as if he were his own younger brother.

"April," he whispered under his breath, "She drowned herself in the bathtub."

"Oh man," Mark said as he rubbed the back of his head, not knowing what to say next, "Are you sure it wasn't an accident? Maybe she slipped?"

"She didn't slip," he tensed up his hands a bit as his fingernails dug harder into his skin, "She wanted to disappear."

"Are you okay?" Mark asked, as he sat down next to Jackson.

Jackson was speechless; this was the first time in years that someone had asked him that question. Was he okay? Everyone was concerned with how April took Samuel's death, how she needed to heal, how she was after her injuries from Jordan. Everything was according to her and her rules, not that he had complained too much. He knew that she needed to find herself and he had to trust that she'd come back to him; he wouldn't have remarried her if he didn't believe that was true. But, no one had ever asked him the simple question, if he was okay? Was everything all right? Would he get through this? Everyone seemed to have overlooked him these past few years because April was the one who wore her trauma on her sleeve, while he kept it hidden and close to his chest. But he was breaking, maybe a bit more than her?

"No," he croaked out as he stared at his mentor with tears in his eyes, "No, I'm not okay."

"You've gotten through everything this far, Avery, you'll get through this," Mark comforted him.

"Will I ever get a break?"

"I can't tell you that," Mark admitted, "But life doesn't through you these types of curveballs if it doesn't believe you're strong enough to catch them."

"I just want to quit the game," he sighed, "I mean, how did I end up here? A few years ago I was in Tulane, I was ready to wash my hands clean of Seattle and then April just pulled me back in. She was pregnant, we got married, then our son died, and everything I had ever known or planned was thrown out the window. Now, five years have gone by and where am I? With a wife who still feels just as broken as ever, who attempted suicide and put the life of our unborn child at risk. Sometimes I wish I could go back, never sleep with her at the boards, then none of this would have happened."

"Jackson," Mark said firmly.

"What?" He asked annoyed.

"Because of April you've gotten to feel love, real love. Love that makes you want to pull your hair out, most people kill for that kind of love. And you've gotten to experience being a father, if you never slept with April you wouldn't have Delilah. Sure, you wouldn't have had to experience all the pain of losing Samuel, but God blessed your life with that little girl. Avery, she is your entire world, you know and she knows it. The way I look at it, time didn't start for you until you were alone with her and started to raise her on your own. April leaving blessed you with the relationship you have with your daughter. April needed Jordan to save her, but you needed Delilah."

Jackson smiled thinking about his little girl, "She really is something, isn't she?"

"Jackson?" Arizona asked, interrupting their conversation.

He immediately stood up, "Arizona, what is it? Is April okay? Is the baby okay?"

"The baby is fine, luckily April had just passed out when you found her, so there wasn't loss of oxygen to his brain. He's a healthy boy."

Jackson collapsed to his knees, "Thank you," he cried, "Thank you, thank you, thank you." He spent a few seconds on the ground, thinking about how grateful he was that his son was okay and that April hadn't hurt him, knowing full well that if she woke up and their son was dead that she would be too, "And April?"

"Jackson, I'm so sorry," Arizona said, and his face went white.

* * *

A/N: Guys it's been so hard for me to write. This story has taken so many turns that I don't know where I'm going with it at times. But I think next chapter may be the last. Who knows? Please leave a review. Dive Chapter 5 comes out tomorrow, and HAPPY 4th EVERYONE!


	30. Chapter 30

A/N: It is with a sad and heavy heart that this story is ending. I loved this story, it was my first fanfic and it has taught me so much on how to write better, how to be a writer, how to interact with all of you. I hope you won't hoist pitchforks at the time it took me to write this. As with all things that end, I simply didn't know what to say. Thank you all for reading this, reviewing it, and coming back to me for more stories; which I'll update soon, you have made this a remarkable experience. –Rachel.

Thump. Thump. Thump. That's all Jackson could hear. Arizona's words were mute and although he could see her face had some solemn in it, he could barely concentrate to make it out. April was alive, was all he had heard, everything thing else was a blur. They weren't sure of her state, if she'd wake up and if she did if she'd be able to speak let alone be a doctor again. It was a waiting game; something Jackson had been all too familiar playing.

"Jackson, you can go and see her if you'd like," Arizona stated.

He shook his head, getting himself out of his funk, "Okay," he replied nervously digging his fingernails into his palms as he followed the blonde fetal-surgeon to April's room.

She was lying on the bed, eyes closed, with countless machines hooked up to her making incessant beeping noises. But she looked eerily peaceful lying there, with her hair sprawled over the pillow and her hands lying neatly by her sides. But this wasn't the April Kepner he loves, the one who showed them how much of a boss she was during their trauma protocol training, the one who birthed his children, the one who went to war. April was never a sheep and right now she was one.

Love isn't enough. He's gone over it in his head many a times before, the old adage that love isn't enough. He remembers Derek telling him it years ago, when he recalled his old patient Bonnie who had told him to tell her fiancé, "If love were enough, I'd still be here with you," as she had a pole going through her. Jackson never forgot those words because you can love someone with all of your heart until you're blue in the face, until you've said it so many times the words don't even have any meaning, but loving someone doesn't stop the world from being a terrible place. It doesn't stop cancer it, doesn't stop debt, it doesn't stop frustration at your job, and most of all it doesn't stop death. The world has a way that's getting in the way. If everything were happy you had no cares no stresses your family was healthy they were fed there was a roof over your head then maybe you could say love could be enough. The sheer thought of spending the rest of your life with another person that person who makes you feel whole, makes you feel like the life you've already lived wasn't really the life you should have lived. That every moment you spent without them was a moment wasted. That's what love is. That's what true love is, but even so it can't save you.

Jackson loves April loves her more than he thinks he has ever loved anything and still he sits here with his hand entwined in hers squeezing it ever so slightly as he watches her chest move up and down in a harmonious rhythm with the beeping of the machine surrounding her. If he loved her enough this wouldn't have happened. He would have been able to see the signs. The stress, the lack of happiness, everything that she had gone through he should have seen it. Another part of him can't stand to look at her face. She almost killed their son and leaving their daughter without a mother. Did she care? Did she have any semblance of guilt over what she could have done? What she could have put their family through? He knows it's a terrible thought to think, he loves his son truly and he'll remember him until the day he dies, but he isn't going to walk around with a ghost hanging over his shoulders. He has a daughter that he loves who's here who has a life to live, who deserves parents who are present who acknowledge her who don't look at her as if something's missing. April couldn't see Delilah without Samuel, they were two halves to one hole butt Delilah's a hole. How could she not see it? How could she not see their daughter and everything that she is; the way she laughs when she sees Peppa Pig or how she's obsessed with the color pink or how she would love to live on a farm. Begging him time after time to visit one before he finally let in. She's a person who's here now. And April as much as he loves her, she is stuck in the past. It's not going to change as much as he wishes it could, as much he years he could go back in time sell his soul, get rid of all of his money, anything to save his son he can't and neither can she. So, he's sitting next to her lying unconscious in a hospital bed, completely unable to decide whether he should be angry or relieved. Because he needs his wife, his daughter needs her mother, and their newborn son who he hasn't even seen yet needs a chance at life. A chance to not be compared to his older brother, to not feel inadequate, to not be a second thought; because if for one second April does that he's going to leave and take the kids with him. They are not pawns in a game to help her grief.

Twenty hours have passed and he's only left her side to go to the bathroom and see Delilah for twenty minutes when Catherine stopped by the hospital with her. Everyone had assured him that she's going to wake up; it's just going to take a bit of time. And then it happened, he was staring at her intently when he noticed a slight flutter in her eyelashes. Then she opened her hazel eyes, and looked at him. She didn't say anything at first and neither did he. He was afraid, he held his breath waiting for her to speak, what if she wasn't there? What if she didn't know what had happened?

"Jackson," she whispered.

"Yeah," he replied, looking down at his wife, wanting nothing more than to stroke her hair and hold her in his arms telling her everything was going to be all right. He decided he wasn't angry, how could he be? He was just so relieved that she was okay.

And then she broke down in tears, "I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry."

"Hey, hey," he comforted her, "Shh, it's okay. I'm here. You're here. It's okay."

"Did he?" She looked up at him with panic in her eyes, unable to ask the question.

"Yes, he's in the NICU. He's a trooper just like his mom."

April lost it, sobbing so hard into her own hands that Jackson feared she'd suffer from dehydration, "He's okay? He's really okay?"

"Yes."

A wave of relief washed over her, "Samuel told me he would be, but hearing you say it makes it all the more real."

Jackson wanted to ask her what she was talking about, but even he knew fever dreams were possibly and well, April was unconscious for more than a day. She was bound to have seen something unreal.

"Shh, you should get some rest," he stroked her hair.

She laid peacefully, so peacefully that he hardly noticed when her monitors went out. He assumed he'd be panicked that he'd be scared and he wouldn't know what to do or how to react. But he was calm. She was finally going to be at peace. And for that he was grateful.

A/N: I don't like endings, because in truth things never quite finish. But I hope you all enjoyed this story and its whirlwind of unrealistic twists and turns. Until next time. And yes, there will be an epilogue because I can never quit. I'm so sorry that this took this long to get out. I started this fic abroad and finishing it sort of meant finishing my abroad experience (which ended in May). 2017 surely has been the BEST year of my life and a lot of that has to do with finding this fandom and writing for it. Although I've been too caught up reading other people's works to update mine, I still enjoy writing and hope that you all will continue to view my work in the future. All my love, Rachel.


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